I wasn't thinking about him

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by thereforafriend, Mar 29, 2017.

  1. thereforafriend

    thereforafriend New Fapstronaut

    Me and my fiance have been in a relationship for 5 years and he's the most wonderful man I met. About 3 months ago I found out that he has been addicted to pornography for 10 years. I have him my support and it was going good for a while but then I stared questioning him, not letting him take showers, getting angry and saying things to hurt him, asking why he doesn't like me anymore. I was so stupid and i've hurt him more than his addiction could ever hurt me. I wasn't understanding that he wouls get upet and angry because he felt shame and embarassment around me, that he cares deeply for my but I was so focused on my own pain that I was leavig him behind. He needed me and I wasn't there for him, he needed my love and I was selfish. I've never felt like a bigger idiot and I hope that if anyone reads this they will not make the mistakes I did. I made it personal when it wasn't about me at all.

    He has many dark sides but he also has an amazing and sensitive heart. He has a deep depression which worsens the addiction, he has anger problems which come out when he feels embarrassed, or shameful, when he loses at video games in front of me, any time where he is not his best around me he becomes extremely angry, and all of these things seem to make quitting the addiction even worse.

    I have made such huge mistakes in our relashionship and I fear I will never be able to make up for the unforgivable things that I've done. I will continue to love him always and I will keep thought of him in my heart.
    brrt814 likes this.
  2. brrt814

    brrt814 Fapstronaut

    I made similar mistakes upon finding out about my ex-SO's addiction. Where we should have pulled together to recover, we pushed each other away and isolated ourselves to the point we no longer communicated anything to one another. When we love somebody so much only to find out they may not be exactly who we thought they were, it's nearly impossible not to make it personal.
    Good for you for seeing the error of your ways and I hope you are both able to turn it around for the better. Stay strong.
    thereforafriend likes this.
  3. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

    Hi there. I just wanted to reach out and say it is ok to be angry. It is an emotionally healthy response to being lied to and disrespected. I am not saying it is excusable to be abusive to your SO or anything, but do not feel like you shouldn't be angry and express it to him. If he can't make a recovery without you handling him with kidgloves and stuffing your very responsible emotional response, then he likely is not fully invested in it anyhow.
  4. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    I agree with @fuzzywaz. You are allowed to feel and react however you need to to react. Its ok to feel betrayed, angry, frustrated, numb, or confused. You are allowed to take time and deal with your feelings, just as he is allowed to take some time to work on himself. Withdrawing trust after being betrayed with a secret like this is NORMAL. It is the mind's way of protecting yourself form any future pain. An addict who has kept his addiction a secret for 5 years is not automatically worthy of your trust. That needs to be rebuilt and he is the one that needs to take the lead in doing that. Loss of trust is a consequence of his actions and not reflection on your character.

    I think we all understand your desire to help and be a source of comfort that is what love is all about. But you cannot do that at the expense of your emotional health. It's good to take responsibility for doing something unnecessarily hurtful to your SO but he is the one who is primarily responsible for his recovery. Any support from you is a bonus.

    If you recognize there are things you can do better then you can start doing them now. Just don't suppress your needs to the point where you develop resentment and bitterness. Your needs and feelings demand attention as well.
  5. stacey

    stacey Fapstronaut

    I actually had something happen last night. I was feeling angry about a particular trigger and I shared my anger in an unkind way. I feel fully justified in being angry. But for my own growth and health I am working on handling my temper, which is unrelated to the addiction issue we are dealing with.

    I apologized and he told me I have nothing to apologizw for. He respects my right to my feelings and I'm working on not being deliberately hurtful.

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