I am excited to find out how much more I can learn, do and become without the constantly limiting behavior of PMO. I have no doubt that if I had channeled the time(sometimes up to 4 or 5 hours without stopping and usually every day for at least a few minutes) and energy that I have wasted looking at images and videos or reading erotic fiction online, I could have accomplished anything I have ever desired in the realm of fitness, career success, personal development and social interaction. I have a strong vision of who I want to be and with this behind me I will be LIMITLESS. I signed up to read some commentary on NoFap a month ago. I realized a day later that I had retired the same day as Peyton Manning. Interesting parallel to me since I remember the first time I heard of him was when He and I were both High School seniors. He was the top recruited football player in the country, I was a wantabe. My obsession with football had a good side effect. In what I think is a very rare thing, I never viewed porn or masturbated until I was in college. It was only after a failed relationship that I thought was the love of my life that I tried it. I still remember thinking, nothing special, I don't think this will become a habit. How wrong I was. That was 1994, I didn't even know what the internet was. I have never been turned on by what most would call porn, but as I read on one thread or another, porn is anything that gets us off. I started with a recorded TV show that I wore the tape out on because in aroused me. When I first started using the internet at the Computer center in college, I started searching for specific images that satisfied my fetish. I would then go to the bathroom stall and knock one out. The better technology got, the more invasive my habit became. Fast forward 20+years and there I was, spending hours looking at photos and watching videos on my Ipad. Delaying my gratification till my mind would explode when I finally finished. This convenience and the fact that I am self employed made it possible for me to waste hours out of what should have been my work day. My work is somewhat seasonal, so If I stay focused during the busy time, I can make a solid living despite my habit. There is no doubt, however, that if I were to allow it to continue, it would eventually destroy that part of my life. That's what brings me to today, I relapsed after about a week and just went to take a peak at the video pages I had monitored for close to 10 years. Well, a peak turned into a week of daily PMO. The feeling I felt during my week of NoFap was unreal. I felt in control of my life for the first time in years. All the self loathing, defeatist, easily angered, always depressed came back almost instantly when I relapsed. The degradation of my mindset was scary. I couldn't stop myself. I kept telling myself, just once more then I am done for good. Finally, last night, while my wife was in the hospital recovering from pneumonia and severe dehydration, after I put my sick kids to bed, I started to look at some videos. For the past several years whenever my wife has been away, I have a free for all, (sometimes till as late as 3 AM, even if I had to get kids on the bus at 7AM) but this time was different. With multiple tabs open on my Ipad, I decided this was it. I opened the NoFap page for the first time in over a week and found a post that was just what I needed to hear. I replied and thanked the man, closed my other tabs and went to bed early. Sorry this got so long. Maybe no one will read it, but that's OK. I needed to write it. I can feel that this is my therapy and I am thankful for these pages that give us this opportunity for the outlet. I will continue to read and write daily if time allows. I am a person in deep need of a total physical, mental and emotional transformation and I can't wait to share it with you all. I promise not to boor you to tears everytime.