I will get over this once and for all

Well it's been a few days since my wife told me to leave. I was deflated. I've lied to her face. Pmo'd without her knowledge. Ive been the biggest jerk or you can use any other worst name out there. Ive screwed up royally.
Moving out was the most painful experience I've endured in my life. It shook me to my core. I've cried like I never did before. As I was leaving the yard I thought was it really worth jerking off, 2 minutes of enjoyment for this pain. But it's not even a fraction of the pain I've caused my wife over the years. The raw pain that I saw and felt completely shattered me. I crumbled. We are on speaking terms we own a business together. So we gave to function to make it work. But as I unpacked my stuff I really realized that I was defendant on her. She made the decisions cause she is quick with solutions and smart. Way smarter than this jerk over here. So that was first. I need to cut that line. I can make my own path. One that I have to carve out of stone with my bare hands. She has helped me since the beginning. Giving me ideas. Where to go. Then I would do as she suggested. But never committed, never truly giving in. And giving up in face of hard work. But as I lay crumbled in her pain I realize I will build me back up the way I should. I have to do the work. I have to have the commitment to follow true with all my heart. I am going to see a counselor who I can be real with and not half as it. I will continue on no gap and log in daily. I will stay sober. One person said on here no lust. Shut that thought down asap. It works so far. I will lock that mental door. Get all the tools I can and dismantle it.
I cant and wont make her go through this ever again. I love my wife and want to be back in her arms as soon as possible.
Talk to you later and hope I can help as much as you guys and gals have helped me.

 

Woke up this morning. Blizzard outside. Tired. Not rested. Want to complain. But no I created this situation. I have to live with it. I am thankful I have a great friend who rented me her house on short notice. And checks up on me. Thankful that I still work with my wife. And extremely thankful that she still talks to me. I cant let her down. I want her back.i will not be a codependant anymore. Time to fight for what I want. Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends on here. Be safe. Eat lots. But do not relapse. You are with family this week end. Enjoy the times together. It can be short lived.

 

Alright. One more morning no pmo. Yeah me. Celebrate any little victories possible. I'm proud to have done another day and night. I have booked my councillor appointment. Yeah me. I'm on here multiple times a day. Another yeah me.
Keep learning how to better myself, every day so far. Telling my wife I love her and miss her. Realize deep down how much hurt I've put her through. I always knew but never really admitted that I hurt her if that makes sense. I refuse to do that to her anymore. Any pleasure will be with her. Period. I'm learning to meditate, one step at a time. 3 minutes here and learn to listen to my brain and make it stronger. I've been wanting to learn how to play guitar for a long time. Now is the time.
I will do the 90 day challenge and learn even more stuff to better myself and to get back to my wife. I am working on me. For me, my wife, my kids, my grandchild, my life where it belongs. No more selfishness, no me before her.
I will overcome this once and for all.
Have a great everyone. Stay positive.

 

Well here we go. Today was stranger for me. I had to work a double to start, my wife would be coming in later in the afternoon. Day went ok. Trying to shut down any thoughts that aren't in my good frame of mind. Makes it easier. Didn't have any desire to pmo or anything of the sorts. But this evening my wife found out that our sons mother passed away and it hit her hard, so me being me leaned in to give her a hug but either I hesitated, or she backed out it was just strange. I know I don't deserve the hug but I wanted to comfort her. It backfired not in a huge make a scene moment. Just plain awkward. We talked after and I apologized for being awkward. She knows I love her and I'm putting in the steps to get better. I have to follow through. I hope I can make her believe that I have her best interest and not trying to fake shit through once more. Time. Actions. Effort. And being real is what I have to be for her me and our family. Looking forward to my first meeting on Monday. Hope he can help me set myself straight. Keep me there. And help me be the man I am suppose to be.
Talk to you tomorrow

 

So this is day 8 of NoFap. Kaptur getting urges through the night but I kept resisting. My only thought is to be able to get back to my wife. Without lying. Whiteout shame. I want to go to her head high, proud, truthful. She deserves respect for what I've put her through. She loved me through thick and thin. Supported me. Helped me up when I needed
And I stabbed her in the back everytime I fapped. I am a shame of what I've done to her. I will stand back up, on my own this time, I will do all the steps necessary to complete my recovery.
Safe day for everyone and don't bend to the urges.

 

I feel depressed today. Very sad. Upset. Lonely. I surrounded with a great tran at work. Don't want to let them know what is going on. Don't want to spread panic at work. I wish I could go back on time and tell myself see you idiot this is what happens when you don't listen to your head. This could of been avoided. I have to remember this moment and if urges arise, which I know they will, I can shut them up pretty damn fast.
Gonna keep myself busy for a bit before the rush starts. Might get me out of my funk
Stay strong

 

I was feeling down and in the gutter most of today. It is expected. I was fighting urges also. I was drained. Then I get a text from my wife saying yes to go to the movies with me. I was so thankful I didn't revert back. This is a huge victory for me. Saying no to urges and having great news from my wife. I gave to stay strong. I can do this. Stay positive. Push urges away. Be thankful.

 

Well what a day can do to a low morale.
This morning was my first meeting with my new councillor. I like him.hes easy to talk to. He made me cry, laugh and most importantly he made me explore myself. Finding out roots of my many problems. Trying to unchain my dormant beast. Asking questions. I really appreciated his work. Makes my work that much more easy to access, for now at least.
Then I had to help my wife bring Christmas stuff out of the attic. Had a great talk with coffee and she still agrees to go out to the movies with me. I have to step back on trying to hug her all the time and I can respect that. She said she would let me know if she wanted any closeness. Had some urges but I kept the door shut. Cant crack that thing open or other will destroy my Hope's and my future.
I am staying positive. I am going to read the books he recommended. And I will fight this.

 

Alright I know for some it might get tiresome to read on my posts. But hey I'm doing this for me. If it can help someone out ther perfect, if not, it's not my time to help someone. Just came home from the movies with my wife. Bohemian rhapsody was terrific. Wants me to go and watch anything queen did. Mostly the live aid concert. I really enjoyed going to the movies. It was like we were dating again. That's what I have to do more of. Just something out of the blue. And reconnect with her. It has been a super emotional day and im beat. But like I said I am rebuilding from the foundation up. First brick was laid and many more to come. Stay strong and positive

 

Well today has been the most difficult day so far. Urges like crazy. Hard to shut the door, but I did. It took all the energy i had not to act on them. Then most of the day through the evening i was overwhelmed with sadness. No idea why. But the end of work i was in a better place. But it was a weird one today. Gonna have some supper watch a little tv and sleep early tonight. I will stay strong.

 

One more day no pmo. No urges, no problems to deal with. It was a hard days work, but mentally it was a good day. Going to be a busy week end but it will be great.
Funny how a great sleep can change perceptions. Let's hope for another awesome sleep.
I'm proud that I pulled through my difficult day without going back to my usual. Staying strong is possible. I've done it, now I have to continue doing it. Stop listening to the voice of giving in, what's once more gonna hurt, you're by yourself, who's gonna know. It hurts me by not resisting, I will keep on giving in. No more giving in. The next time I give in is to completely give in to my wife, let loose and be myself. I will start liking myself once more. Peace and quiet will do that .
Staying strong.

 

Thank you. Just pulling through the day. Without going to those places were a huge victory. I knew the consequences and I don't want them. I want my life back. My wife needs me back to be my best. Not half a**ed
I want this to be how it goes. Yes everybody has urges. But we have to use those urges on the ones we love. No more selfisheness.
Stay strong

 

Another good day without issues or urges. I was able to keep myself busy. And when I got home I went to bed very soon after. Knew I had another busy day. I have to continue to work, I cant put my head back in the sand and think that I am cured. That has been a huge problem my whole life. I have books coming in this week so I am looking forward to reading them and getting stronger with their help. I know it's not the only thing I have to do. One thing after over a week of no pmo, I feel better with a clearer head. Though very tired because of work my head space is better. And I need to learn to live without my wife. I'll continue this post later today .
Stay strong

 

Well today was not an good day. Started well. We were chatting all good. And when she got to work she was very upset. I totally understand her but it still sucks. I have to stop having expectations that we will be all good soon. I hurt her and left her empty inside. I just got to continue my work, show her I'm doing the work, not keep her updated on all things I do. But that she knows I'm doing the work, I'm not sitting in the house pmo all the time.
8 have to stay focused on what I have to do. She needed room today so I gave her all the room she wanted. I love her dearly and want her back more than anything. I know I can do it. Books should be here soon. One more tool in my arsenal to get better.
Stay strong and go for the goal.

 

Today is a little harder than most days. It's my day off and I am usually at my wife's side. Always. I am a bit lonely, but I have to keep busy or else I might have bad thoughts.
I have to start doing things without her and it is difficult sometimes I don't know where to start.
Well this is what I'm thinking I will start with. Had a good breakfast, which I don't do very often, I took the dogs out, I will bathe them both, do laundry, bedding etc. I have a gift to wrap I can do that. Sweep, finish the dishes. Grab my guitar learn a new thing, which is all of it. Lol. Try to have a nap, dearly needed. And from there let's see what the rest of the day shapes out like. It's all new right now, I have to stop depending on my wife for everything and do stuff that I wanted or need to do. Still have lots of reading and understanding what I can do and how to help her heal. That's the one thing I've been putting off forever. That should be more of a focus. I need a pad and paper. Need to start sitting stuff down so I can remember. Anyway here goes a day off without my significant other, the way better half.
Stay strong my friends

 

Thank you .
It warms my heart with the support from this community. Makes me stronger knowing that people understand and push you to help yourself. I want to take her pain away. But doing the wrong thing at the wrong time makes it hard. I have to read her and go for it. One step at a time. Cant fix years of hurting someone in a few weeks.

 

Oh my lord. What a crappy day. My wife is super down with everything going on. I down cause shes down. I wish I never did what I did. I created so much pain for absolutely no reason. I am a jerk, I kept telling myself I didn't want to hurt her. But that's not the case. I didn't want to get hurt. I hurt her. I did that. Why did I do that. Laziness. Boredom. I wanted to relapse very badly yesterday. But everytime I thought about it. My good voice in .my head said you idiot. That's not how you fix shit. You are not learning g crap if you relapse. Urges last a few minutes. Being back on my wife's arms lasts a lifetime. I cant falter. I got a few books today. Gonna start reading. See what I can learn from them
Stay strong

 

Well let's start Wednesday on a good note. Had a hearty breakfast, something I rarely do in the morning. Started reading my recommended books from my councillor. The road less traveled by dr. Peck. And E squared. I ordered the wrong one but this mini workbook could be interesting.
My wife and I had a brief chat last night and I'm no doctor or anything but i think with all the stress from me, our son and work has put her in a burn out mode. She is exhausted, not in a happy place, i know it's my fault but i care for her and i want to help her. I hope i can have a little more time talking to her today, explain my concerns and hopefully get back on track. It is a crazy time for us at work right now and i k ow shes feeling that pressure as well.
I am able to stop the urges a lot quicker the last few days. I can focus better. Hopefully continue making better decisions period.
I'm sending positive feeling towards the universe today, let's hope it sends some back.
Stay strong