I'd rather die than masturbate

Welcome back to the Nofap community.
Your words are really touching me. So much serious efforts to get rid of addiction.
Well - reminds me to some situations in my life when I realized I need help. In this state of desperation you have the opportunity to grow more than at any other time.

Just let me tell you: ALL IS WELL. You will make it.
Don’t focus too much on your addiction, focus on what you really want. You want true happiness. You came into this world to be happy. This is well possible.

Forget about leaving this world. This is the perfect place to grow, to discover the beauty inside of you. There is an ocean of love and joy deep inside your heart.
You are making efforts in the right direction. Accept you are human. Sometimes we are strong, sometimes we are weak. Accept yourself, like yourself, love yourself. You are a wonderful person. Everything will straighten out. I admire your efforts to let the change happen in your life. M is just one of these aspects. You made the habit, you’ll break the habit. The community will support you. There is a divine spark inside of you which makes you most lovable.

 

Hey man. I use to struggle to go over the 3 week mark as well. In fact it took me 2-3 years to reach 30 days! I would advice you to block YT if you can for few months while you are rebooting. YT is filled up with triggers and you don't even need porn to relapse if there's YT. Use YT at public libraries or at school/campus (if you are a student).

Like you said your real problem is escapism, try to work on this first. Do things that you enjoy (which doesn't involve internet, TV, gaming etc). Try to spend some time in nature everyday. Take long walks, workout, meditate (continue doing these everyday without missing a day). Hang out with people around you if you can even if you dont feel like it. Have a goal in life which needs your time and effort everyday. Try to stay busy everyday. It will be difficult in the beginning but it will get easier with time as you will learn more about this addiction and yourself.

 

Solid adivce! Thanks!
/Baldur

 

I think you're working the process as intended and as realistic. I encourage you to go deeper than labeling your trigger as "escapism". What are you trying to escape? It's difficult to really feel some things. We want to avoid the pain and cling to the pleasure. But going deeper is the only way to really heal. One approach that I'm reading about and learning to practice is abbreviated RAIN - Recognize the difficulty you are dealing with, Accept the difficulty for what it is, Investigate what is behind the difficulty, and finally Non-identification, or realizing that the difficulty is not you, or detaching from the difficulty.

Good luck on your journey.

Pease