Identity Crisis

So, I'm a 19M who has been having a very difficult time lately dealing with my sexuality. For my entire life I identified as straight, have had many crushes on girls, and never questioned it or thought about it. I have also been a compulsive porn user since I was 13 and have seen an escalation in the types of porn I look at. When I was 13 simply a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue or talking to a cute girl would be enough to get me aroused. However, when I was around 17 I started looking at sissy/cuckold/transgender porn and even gay porn. I often found when I would watch straight porn, I would imagine myself as the girl rather than the guy. I was confused by this, because I found the porn to be repulsive(not in a homophobic way) yet arousing, but I didn't think much of it, because I was still attracted to girls in my everyday life and I just thought it was some weird kink of mine. However, around this time last year, I began to lose my attraction to women. They didn't become gross to me, they just seemed boring to me. Like I still noticed an attractive girl, but I didn't have the same drive to be with her like I used to and had thoughts that I wasn't worthy of her. I also began having a hard time getting aroused by heterosexual porn. I started having obsessive thoughts about my sexuality and found myself looking at literally every guy to see if I was attracted to him. I find myself looking at every guy and imaging myself performing degrading sexual acts of him, these thoughts are not arousing and are gross and make me feel anxious, but I keep having them and it's like my mind is telling me I'm gay and in denial. I've never had a crush on another guy, nor have I ever had the butterfly feeling you get when you like someone for a guy. I personally cannot see myself ever dating a guy(again not homophobic, just doesn't feel right for me deep down). I've tried to quit porn to try and sort out the situation, but I can't go more than 3 days before the anxiety gets so intense and I have to binge in order to feel normal. I always feel grossed out watching porn and it feels like my body is forcing me to do it. I find I'm constantly checking out Tinder/Grindr to see if I'm attracted to any guys and I never feel anything(I do however get those obsessive sexual thoughts I described above sometimes). I've also come to terms with the possibility that I might be gay/bi somewhere on the spectrum and have even planned to come out to my family and friends(not worried about that part, they are very accepting and it wouldn't be an issue), but it just doesn't feel right deep down, I just can't see myself being with a guy sexually and definitely not romantically. I honestly don't know what to do, I fear I'm never going to feel like my old self again or ever feel legit attraction to anyone regardless of sex anymore. Heck sometimes it feels like my mind is telling me that my previous attraction to girls was all a lie and that most of my life was all a mirage. I still think about being with girls and in my mind it feels good, but like I can't get an erection to it anymore. I plan on seeing a therapist at my college when I get back to school, but for now it's really tough. Sorry for the long post, I just needed to get this off my chest.

 

I honestly don't even know anymore if it's HOCD. I think I might be gay, but actual sexual encounters with guys turn me off but for some reason gay porn is all that's arousing anymore, but after I ejaculate I feel incredibly disgusted and I can't look at the porn, but then my mind tells me that I'm just gay and I'm in deep denial about myself. This fucking sucks man, I want to kill myself nothing is enjoyable anymore

 

I have the same issue here, I have tried to watch gay porn a lot of times, but no matter what I don’t get turned on by it. But still my mind keeps on telling me that I’m bi/gay and throws at me homosexual thoughts or even urges.

 

Straight porn isn't really straight porn , your seeing a dude rail a hot girl , it's mostly if not all about the dude . Sure it's good when your young and you watch it for.the girl , but your seeing a dude fucking a girl watching him bust over her face and her jerking him, it's hot to see her , and see how dirty she is that she lets him do it., But in reality your jerking to it with parts you just block out or don't really focus on but you condition your mind to see it as a normal part of porn,

For me I would.block out the dudes face and fast forward bits I didn't want to look.at , nothing worse than when your about to finish and it.zooms in on the guys face , just a complete and utter anti climax . I eventually started watching cam sites because it was all female and it was live, you could interact aswell, and there was more.than a few occasions I could generally get them horny as fuck with dirty talk , and that shit turned me on big time , you know the genuine ones from the ones there to earn easy money, I never paid for it and the girls who weren't obvious about it were also the ones that were they're because they got really horny about the whole thing . I'm pretty good with dirty talk and you can see the girl getting all sweaty and red faced and some these women were absolute knock out stunners so I was into the whole cam site thing. After a while sites changed , the girls were getting younger and younger and most were there for the money and spent nearly every hour of the day doing shows , the vibe just stopped working , the whole concept of tease pay tease then pay is like conditioning yourself to get hard get soft . I got bored of it . Because nothing was actually happening . Regular porn didn't do it as I seen it all, and I don't enjoy watching a dude In these videos , I've seen loads before . got bored with cams
Eventually I came across transwoman stuff , and started getting hard to it , and became hooked to it the way I did with every other previous genre , at first i thought I have to be a closest gay , but with a lot of self assessing and trying to understand my interest in this genre I know I'm absolutely not gay, they actually study sexual appetites and why alot of straight men get off to transwoman porn , it's a fantasy wether we like it or not our brains get off to certain stimulus and create fantasy ..I can't watch gay porn. It just makes me laugh tbh, and dudes I'n straight porn is just like a bro banging but you'd rather watch the girl and not see it. transwoman is a complete head fuck for guys because we create the fantasy that this hot girl is a sexual deviant lol the way most men are , she knows what men want and actually gets off big time to pleasing you , she's like the biggest nympho , but here's the problem , it's an optical illusion it's a trick of the mind and it can corrupt men's tastes and play games with you confusing you to thinking you could be gay.

transwoman porn is the biggest growing genre
and it's a straight male fixation it's bizzare , bit that's Porn

I can't say much about watching gay porn as I don't watch it , but I know.how escalation works with porn and people escalate to all sorts of shit eventually

 

I think everyone who is suffering from hocd, should focus on their lives instead of sexuality