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Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by brassknucks, Mar 4, 2021.
I know people say to wait for “the one”. Is this practical?
Is not pratical at all and probably will lead you in a path that is way worse then "fornication": wired porn and excessive masturbation.
And when you find a girl you'll be so unexperienced and your brain will be so f*ucked up that you won't be able to have sex with her and that's how the cycle starts again.
Do a favour to yourself: live a healty sexual life (possibly with no PMO and some good real sex).
The one is a stupid concept. There are plenty of woman that are great to be with and can make your life even better. There are a lot of people sticking to a miserable relationship because "she is the one" and if they loose them is nothing left in the world for them...
There's always another bus around the corner. Never put all your eggs in the same basket for eternity.
Enjoy each relationship you have and if you wanto to marry with one but be smart enough to know that if that marriage fails is not all over. You can call it a day and go and know more woman.
Life always proved this to be true, every single girlfriend I've had was better than the previous one.
I'm currently dating a woman that is even better than all my previous girlfriends. To myself I thinking that a woman can't be better than her.. but I'm still positive that if I broke up with her I will meet an even greater woman in the future.
it can be done but i can't guarantee you will be happy if you force yourself to live asexually for the majority of your youth
good luck either way
Wow wow wow, let's all calm down here.
Is it practical? I don't know what your definition of practical is, but i wouldn't define "staying virgin till marriage" like practical. If you mean confortable, it isn't. Nowadays it's really easy to get laid, and actively avoiding it isn't "practical". It requires a focused mind and a strong will.
Then why would you do that? Let me ask you: Why would you want to get rid of porn? Easy: to achieve something even better, something that cannot be defined as "more pleasurable", but surely more benefitial to your whole being.
You may think that staying virgin till marriage isn't worth it, that is has no good (or that it even has bad) consequences, but remember that other people think too that PMO is desirable and healthy. You may not know or understand yet why people would do that, but they have a reason strong enough to stick to. Keep that in mind.
As a catholic, i can only tell you why us, catholics, do it. Putting it simple, we believe that through sex, man and woman make the perfect bond between the two, they become one being. Thus, sex is a reflection of what awaits us in the other life, the perfect union with God, which is our ultimate search for happiness and fulfillment. You can only perfectly bond with one woman (or man) because that's the duality of mankind (i mean, look at your genitals and tell how many penises do you have). You cannot perfectly bond with several women, as the perfection can only be achieve with the fusion of two complementary parts. You cannot completely love two spouses, you cannot dedicate your life to two wifes, you cannot serve to two families, as you are just one man. Through sex, both parts gives themselves freely and completely, as there cannot be perfect give without completely given yourself.
And why is it so important to give us to only woman for the rest of our lives? Why not for some time?, you may ask. Because we humans desire eternity and exclusivity. We don't want to be one more, we want to be THE ones, and for ever. In heaven, God's infinite love and power will be far more than enough to fulfill all those desires of all hearts, but here in Earth, humans can only do that with one person. Would you like your girlfriend to have several boyfriends? Would you like your wife to have several husbands? Would you like you girl to have sex with several men? Why? (Obviously, i mean at the same time as you are in a relationship with her, not before.) Think about those questions, and ask yourself if your girlfriend/wife wouldn't like the same.
Do not forget that this ultimate bond is made with God, not your spouse. If you expect your partner to fulfill every desire of your heart, you will be dissapointed, because she won't be able to meet all your expectations. She's just an imperfect human, just like you, and it would be unbearable for her to be everything you need and desire.
Let's answer now the rest of the comments:
A path worse than fornication? Wired porn and excessive masturbation? I assume you must be an expert on this field, as you know better than me how my life is. Bullshit. It's ok to have an opinion, but making up stuff to prove your point is untruthful and disloyal.
Part of living a healthy sexual life is precisely understanding that it is not all about sex. It's about knowing your sexual impulses, and surrendering them to the needs of true love. It's possible, i'm real. It's because i don't see every breathing woman as a potential sex partner that i'm able to see them as real humans, not sex conquests. It's becuase i truly wish to perfectly love my wife, that i've been able to free myself from PMO.
Ohhh, that's right. I forget that abstaining from sex makes your penis forgets what it wants, and your brain (somehow) gets fucked up...
You will have a lifetime to discover sex with your partner. Nobody is born knowing how to do it, everybody needs experience. It doesn't matter that your first sexual partner is your wife or a total stranger, you will be an amateur. Farmore, it's better to know how to specifically pleasure your wife, than knowing how to generally fuck any woman. And finally, last time i checked you didn't need a doctorade to perform well on sex, but i'm still virgin, so i may be wrong in that last one.
I honestly like this one, even if i diagree with it. It states an opinion, not a made up fact. Perfect. But just a correction: Asexual (in biology), means a species that hasn't sexual differentiation, and (in our modern society), is someone who doesn't desire sex. I DO desire sex, but again, i offer those desires, tendencies or impulses, as a sacrifice for a longing happy marriage. I will have sex, but in marriage and only with my wife.
I agree with him that some people make up fantasies in their heads, and then they are devastated when they face reality. I agree too about "the one" thing, but with some puntualization.
There is no such thing as the perfect woman for you. There are just women, some who will fit with you better, or some who will fit worse. The one, is the one YOU CHOOSE for yourself. There is no super perfect wife for you. You are the one who decides with who you form a family, and with who you spend the rest of your days. You choose the woman for who you will fight against all odds.
It is true that when you end a relationship, you have to be optimistic and don't fall into despair, but i disagree with the basket thing.
When you enter a relationship (and you want it to be succesful), you have to want it to succed. Sometimes, relationships fall apart, but that isn't an excuse to not put all you have into a relationship. That is selfish. "As the relationship may fall, i will not give everything i have in case it does". Technically, it isn't wrong, but this way of thinking will make it very difficult to have a stable relationship, as any minor incovenience will provide you an excuse to flee. Every next girl will be seen as preferable, as you won't be to commited (at first).
True love requires commitment, and without it, there is no point in even trying. And marriage, should be that ultimate commitment to one another. It should the ultimate promise of permanence.
That's all. Nothing more to say.
Abstaining from fornication for religious reasons and saving your self for "the one" are completely two different reasons tho.
And it isn't about practicality, but about following the teachings of your faith. I would argue that it is harder to stay a virgin until marriage than it is to lose your virginity.
Yeah I agree, this is a fair criticism.
Bertrand Russell has a fun quote I like to throw at Christians or people who disapprove of premarital sex. I'm not asking anyone to change their beliefs and I don't necessarily agree with these arguments, but I find them very interesting:
"I should not hold it desirable that either a man or a woman should enter upon the serious business of a marriage intended to lead to children without having had previous sexual experience. There is a great mass of evidence to show that the first experience of sex should be with a person who has previous knowledge. The sexual act in human beings is not instinctive, and apparently never has been since it ceased to be performed a tergo [from behind]. And apart from this argument, it seems absurd to ask people to enter upon a relation intended to be lifelong, without any previous knowledge as to their sexual compatibility. It is just as absurd as it would be if a man intending to buy a house were not allowed to view it until he had completed the purchase."
Bertrand Russell - Marriage and Morals
I don't see the point of losing your virginity with someone more experienced. Everybody was a beginner, even those experienced persons, and they learned through, let's say, "practice".
It is true that human sexual act is not purely instinctive. A key to good sex is communication ( this was something i wanted to put in the original comment, but i ended up deleting it).
It is true too, that i'm not the most "qualified" to talk about sexual compatibility, as i have never been nor compatible nor incompatible. But again, i think the key to overcome this obstacle is communication, understanding, empathy and... love (unexpected). True love for the other will make both give the other what they want, and not asking the other for what wouldn't be pleasurable for both.
Finally, and this i just an opinion, i think we give too much importance to sex. Sex is great and of course has its great importance, but i think we may give it too much credit. There are other more importants reasons why you would decide to commit to one person for the rest of your life, and sex should be secundary. Instead of marrying to have sex, sex should be the consequence of love.
One last thing: It is nice to have a calmly exchange of ideas, so thank you.
Dude belive me, between me and you you are the wired one. And you write a lot of BS too.
I was a virgin till I got married because of my Christian faith didn’t have any issues with sex still don’t it’s common sense man gets with woman in bed and things happen nothing mysterious there abstaining didn’t hurt anything. Only thing I would add I wasn’t a porn addict so that didn’t come into play. I’m on Nofap to permanently quit masturbating and learn the fine art of semen retention. So what I’m saying is your regular Joe should be able to abstain until marriage without any issues as long as the waters aren’t muddied with porn use and/or other health issues and the guy isn’t some kind of weird timid dude or something like that. As for the question of how do you not fornicate, you could do as Riley Mau suggested on Theo Von’s podcast and just don’t, or you could focus on cold showers, meditation and so forth and so on
Update guys; decided I want to renew my commitment to faith and this involves saying no to fornication. It's going to be tough but I know its the right decision for me.
Well, I assume you don't go round murdering everyone working on a Sunday (Exodus Ch.31 v15), so there are parts of the bible you already ignore.
Just ignore the bit about no sex before marriage as well
I’ve done that enough in my life and paid a great price for doing that and don’t want to pay anymore.
There are much worst sins
We have no choice but to do nofap hard mode while we are single. Hook ups aren't really an option and when you want to date you will have to make it clear that you don't want sex before you are married. Hopefully you find a person that has the same goal or they love you enough to wait.
Only if you want a loving relationship. Otherwise, there’s always meaningless sex through escorts and hookup apps.
It is poorly phrased. There is no "one", because it implies some sentimental romanticism. You possibly could be happy with many people, but a christian marriage is a lifetime commitement to one person. You don't meet "the one", you made them, if you follow me.
The problem here is porn, not sexual abstinence. We live in a society plagued with excessive amount of sexual stimuli but if you are aware of them and stay away from them, you can do absolutely fine. I would say I am at the point in reboot when I "detoxed" from porn and I am really rarely horny. Could be my thing, but I was pmoing every day or every other day and early in reboot I was almost constantly horny.
Even Augustine and Aquinas said that prostitution should be legalized and regulated on the principal that if there is no sewer, then the filth will spill out in the streets. Which is what we have today.