If you are going trough hell, keep going

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by NF SINCE BIRTH, Oct 21, 2019.

  1. NF SINCE BIRTH

    NF SINCE BIRTH Fapstronaut

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    Here it goes. I am pretty sure I hit the rock bottom of rock bottoms today. The girl I like left for a month. I am in a psychiatric hospital getting treatment for my Schizoaffective disorder, depressive type. Mood disorder basically. Not going to write an essay about it.

    Below is my plan of action so far. I am so far down the rabbit hole that I got nothing to loose. Really. I feel so shit that I dont even know what to do. I will do all of this because I hope it will get better some day. In the meantime I guess I have to go trough hell a few times.

    Hopefully I can succeed this time. I started today.

    1) No sugar.

    2) No caffeine.

    3) No PMO or anything related (hardmode).

    4) Make a workout schedule. 3 days a week sounds like a good start. Starting tomorrow.

    5) Cold showers.

    6) Meditate.

    Feel free to join if this sounds interesting. Here it goes.
     
    Bartosh, Patchq, maningup12 and 11 others like this.
  2. Hey man i was in a psychiatric hospital too
    Getting treatment for the same disorder
    They let me get out two months ago
    I also had and still have a daily routine to help me feel a lil bit better
    I truly hope that one day we will be able to smile and to feel happiness inside our hearts
    Stay strong brother
    May God help us
     
  3. Andrewster23456

    Andrewster23456 New Fapstronaut

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    Praying for you my man! The darkest nights make for the brightest of days. You’ll get there I know it
     
    NF SINCE BIRTH likes this.
  4. NF SINCE BIRTH

    NF SINCE BIRTH Fapstronaut

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    Day 1

    Going to check in every day no matter how it goes. Keep reminding myself that "this too will pass" as a zen master once put it. Today have been pretty turbulent. From suicidal to feeling ok. No PMO today and I dropped the energy drinks. Was too tired to start working out today but I did meditate. Almost fell asleep so not sure how good that session was. Cleaned up some mess in my room. The thought of cold showering today was too much to handle. That's for bad ass people. I dont feel that bad ass today. I am pretty sure my brain is in shock from me cutting down so hard on dopamine. I am in pain.
     
  5. Hold it in

    Hold it in Fapstronaut

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    In my own life as a Christian, I wrestle not against flesh and blood but of powers and principalities and the rulers of darkness of this world in high places

    Satan is very much on a destruction mission and your life is in Danger. But glory be to God that we have a Saviour and intercessor in Heaven on our behalf

    Praise God. It's all I need, :)
     
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2019
  6. NF SINCE BIRTH

    NF SINCE BIRTH Fapstronaut

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    Thanks guys :)

    Day 2

    Still struggling. Still clean from PMO. Didn't go as well with no sugar. PMO is the greater addiction but I notice how the energy drink starts some sort of chaser effect which makes it harder to abstain from PMO too. I should go to bed earlier tomorrow. It is late and being tired is not a good way to fight urges.

    I meditated today for a good 30 minutes. It was nice. Also cleaned up my room and showered. All in all today was a little more constructive than yesterday. Still feeling pretty shitty but I am going to keep it up for at least one day more. Then hopefully another after that.
     
    LEPAGE and Hold it in like this.
  7. NF SINCE BIRTH

    NF SINCE BIRTH Fapstronaut

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    Day 2

    I am back at day 2 after a horrible PMO relapse. I need a better plan if I am going to succeed. I spend quite a bit of money on sugar. I buy something almost every day. 1 can of energy drink and a chocolate. Its around 10 dollars a day on average. I think the money aspect is something I can use to motivate myself to cut down on consumption. What if I saved all that money and spent it on something I enjoy doing instead? If I quit sugar, that's 300 bucks a month I could use on maybe a future vacation or invest in the stock market.

    I use sugar to get out of my low energy state. I have to just accept low energy for now and know that it is withdrawals speaking.

    And back to PMO. It is very similar but 10 times worse. These two addictions are something im going to work on now. Other than that nothing much to report. Shitty days. Just have to prepare to go trough some really bad days until my brain starts to heal.
     
  8. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    I do strongly suggest throwing in some cold-swims/baths in the ocean as well. Although cold-showers alone can give you several benefits, the benefits from taking a swim in the frigid ocean once in a while (especially during the autumn/winter/spring months) is a spiritual experience and gives such an explosion of joy, calmness and happiness hormones that no other activity comes close to.
    I don't know where in the world you live but far up in the Northern hemisphere where I live (at the Baltic sea coast), the conditions, weather and climate can be so ragged, chilly and miserable 8-9 months of the year that going for a swim between October-April becomes a huge challenge in itself. But, as soon as you step into that frigid sea-water and your body starts to revolt for the 3-4 minutes, it is followed by a sense of calmness, joy and divinity that is hard to explain as your body starts getting used to it. Although I might remain hypothermic for up to 35-50 minutes afterwards, the intense feelings of joy, happiness, and light-heartedness that follows upon warming up are hard to describe.
     
    LEPAGE and NF SINCE BIRTH like this.
  9. Napav

    Napav Fapstronaut

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    Read this brother : 6 years clean.
    The original author of this post, has undergone many pains and had finally stayed clean for more than 7-8 years now!
     
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  10. NF SINCE BIRTH

    NF SINCE BIRTH Fapstronaut

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    @Angus McGyver Thanks :) I live in Norway. I did this before but it is several years since now. I dont live that close to the sea at the moment but I will for sure do it again some day in the future.

    I am on day 2 again after several relapses. It is a mental challenge. My mind is a warzone. I am cutting down on anti depressives right now and I thought it was bad before. Now I feel suicidal depression every day, some days every waking hour. Today is maybe the first decent day in 2 weeks. I cant sleep at night at all because of my thoughts, hallucinations and voices. I have paranoid beliefs about the people working here. Like they are trying to hurt me and that the universe is trying to destroy me.

    I know it is all in my head but I still find it very hard to let go of the beliefs and just calm down. I have spent the last days listening to endless hours of Eckhart Tolles spiritual advice on YouTube. I feel like I have some degree of presence in me. I have to just accept all the pain for now and trust that it will get better soon. I read a bit about the dopamine system and addictions today. It all makes sense. My entire system is out of balance. My brain needs healing.
     
  11. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    Don't forget that your daily habits play a huge part in your current mental (and physical) state, how you feel and how fast you will be healing from it. If your current habits are unhealthy, I suggest changing them one at a time so your mental clarity and destructive thoughts fade away with time. It is literally impossible to reap the big benefits of NoFap if your current habits are bad and destructive for your overall health.
    Pratar du norska förresten?
     
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  12. NF SINCE BIRTH

    NF SINCE BIRTH Fapstronaut

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    Soon 3 full days clean. It is my longest streak in a very long time actually. I am working really hard on making it this time. I just have to give this a proper shot. It is only 3 days so far but I think I can feel some slight improvements. When I usually succumb to pain and relapse I have pushed trough some really pain in the ass moments already. I am reading about addiction online. A lot of nice resources on ybop.com. I have read it all before but I must have forgot most of it. Armed with some knowledge I feel a little more hopeful that I am going to make it. I have ruined my brain pretty much and it needs to heal.

    I did some chores today. Cleaned my room a little, changed my sheets and took a shower. Still a pretty painful day but I can feel that some clogs have started moving inside my brain. Brain fog is a thing. It seems to be lifting very slightly. Maybe the best indication that my concentration is improving is that I won 11 chess matches in a row today online. New personal record.

    Will check in again soon. Hopefully I can start to feel some more positivity soon. I remember that major changes have started happening after 10-30 days in the past.
     
  13. NF SINCE BIRTH

    NF SINCE BIRTH Fapstronaut

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  14. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    Gött att höra! :)
    Det är bara att skicka mig ett privatmeddelande ifall du har några frågor eller funderingar. Fortsätter vi konversationen på våra respektive språk í denna tråd undrar nog moderatorn (samt de andra användarna) vad vi håller på med.:D
     
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  15. NF SINCE BIRTH

    NF SINCE BIRTH Fapstronaut

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    @Angus McGyver thanks for the offer :) Almost 4 full days clean now. I have pushed my way trough some stuff I dont usually do. Cleaned up a little here and there and made sure to be a little more social. Overall, today has been the best day during the last 2 weeks. It is not super in any sense of the word but it is the first day in a while that I haven't been feeling suicidal at all. I meditated for 30 minutes today and got quite deep into it. Urges are a pain at the moment. My mind tries to find ways to lure me back in. Talked more with people today. My feelings are pretty neutral today as opposed to depressed most days. On the outside I think I am more outgoing already. Had more conversations. Not as shameful and anxious as usual. Probably due to the porn scenes not being so fresh in my mind. Talked a little with the girls even. I swear one of them flirted with me today.

    This journal wasn't supposed to be all about Nofap but I think it is so important to get the addiction under control. Here is a list of positive activities I am starting to integrate into my daily routine:

    1. Do some chores every day. Clean up some mess if I see it and make it a habit to not think twice before doing stuff that takes less than 5 minutes.

    2. Go outside and watch the stars and the moon every night before sleep.

    3. Meditate at least once daily.

    4. Avoid too much sugar rich foods and caffeine drinks.

    5. Try to cut down on my computer use in general.

    6. Go out of my room more often, especially if I am feeling bad.

    7. Play table tennis.

    I do all of these somewhat regularly already. I am trying to push myself to hit the gym again soon. I also want to start writing some sort of daily gratitude/positivity list. Our mind can be trained. Its like a magnet. If you force yourself to think positive it will eventually start happen naturally. I read a little about neurolinguistics and its pretty interesting how you can basically program your brain. That's what I am going to do. Re-program my brain.
     
    Metis07 and Angus McGyver like this.
  16. koolpal

    koolpal Fapstronaut

    "If you're going through Hell
    Keep on going, don't slow down
    If you're scared, don't show it
    You might get out
    Before the devil even knows you're there"

     
    NF SINCE BIRTH likes this.
  17. selfimprovement8008

    selfimprovement8008 Fapstronaut

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    I prayed for you just now I have been there it was hard to get out but I did mange to cut back at least 20 percent of the symptoms keep fighting brother.
     
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  18. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    With regards to number 3 & 4, Have you tried some intermittent fasting?
    I am only eating two big meals a day these days (during an eight hour window) and feel much better than when I used to eat three times a day. Because, when your stomach is empty and you're living off the reserves, you start to get rid off waste-products and toxins that otherwise would remain if you were constantly refilling with food all the time. Your blood-sugar (and insulin) levels will drop and after trying it for a few weeks, you won't feel that craving for food as much, especially not foods that are bad for you.
    You will climb on the walls for the first week or two (since your body isn't used to that starvation-mode yet) but after that, you start to feel a mental clarity, calmness and purity that's hard to describe and put in words. If you can abstain from food for some time, you can technically do almost anything. In that way, I have lost excess body-fat as well and been getting into even better shape and the best thing of all is that fasting is so effortless.
    People these days need to learn the subtle art of knowing "How to not eat" much more than they need to know "what to eat".
     
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  19. NF SINCE BIRTH

    NF SINCE BIRTH Fapstronaut

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    @selfimprovement8008 thanks for the prayer :) Appreciated.

    @Angus McGyver I have noticed that sugar addiction and PMO addiction is pretty similar. They interact in a way. When I quit PMO my brain starts to crave more sugar. PMO is the strongest of the two but if I binge on sugar it starts a downward spiral of feeling bad and it makes PMO urges stronger. Reduces willpower in a way. Same thing goes with alcohol but I am not drinking nowadays anyways.

    Havent really tried the fasting thing. The chef here is pretty good. Makes healthy meals mostly. If I can just cut back on the sugar I think I am making good progress. I am loosing weight. Need to buy some new clothes soon. I often feel too tired to eat so I skip it. That's my depression. I dont really feel hungry most days but if it goes to far I end up reaching for the easy way out: Energy drinks and potato chips.

    That leads me to another thing I need to focus a little more on. I am not drinking enough water. I have to make it a habit to drink more. Maybe that reduces my sugar cravings too.

    5 days clean today. I am starting to ramp up some days. I was feeling generally more at ease today. Cant say I was feeling good. It was a mix of good and bad. I am opening my eyes a little more. I went to a blood test today at 8 am. Two of the other patients here are quite pretty. I enjoyed looking at them today. Had some more eye contact than usual and chatted a little.

    Meditated twice and went to an art class. Painted a little.

    A girl im crushing on is coming back in around a week. I usually feel a little better when she is around.
     
  20. NF SINCE BIRTH

    NF SINCE BIRTH Fapstronaut

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    I made it 5 full days clean this time. I woke up and relapsed before I got out of bed. Only MO. No fantasy. May I stay strong for the chaser effect. It wasnt neccessary. I could have pushed trough the urges but I didnt. Next time I will have to be better prepared. I need to go to bed earlier so I dont feel as weak in the morning. The most dangerous times of the day is early morning and late at night. I was rationalising. The last thing that went trough my mind was that just MO is natural. I was also thinking that I wouldnt make it much longer. I know I can. It was just my addiction speaking.
     

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