If you are trying to get back in dating, here's my advice....

There is only one "trick" to find the perfect match : being yourself.

I think those sites will only make people get into superficial relationships and you will always be thinking "what should I do to look like a real man and preserve my pride" instead of simply being yourself. A woman can sense when a guy is acting like someone he isn't.

Then again it's just my opinion though!

 

Interesting! I like to hear different opinions. I understand what you mean. I want to explain more deeply.

Let’s say you are shy (I’m not saying you are, it’s just hypothetical). You think that being shy means you lack of confidence, and because you have no confidence, it means that girls won’t be interested in you, right? In other words, you think that confidence can get you girls, so you think that it is bad to be shy and that it has to be changed. Did I understand correctly?

Let’s make the difference between facts and thoughts. Facts are objective, they are facts, they are uncontestable, universal, facts are reality. Thoughts are subjective, they are different from any one point of view, they are perceptions, so they are NOT TRUE. Thoughts are NOT reality. They don’t mean anything. The only think they do is create feelings. In example, let’s say that you think being shy is a bad thing : every time you will think that you are shy in a specific moment, it will make you feel bad. Is this feeling real? Yes! But it’s created by something unreal. I’ll explain.

Let’s take you as an example. You are a boy, you have two arms, you have two legs, you have a nose, you have a mouth; those are facts. You’re saying that you’re shy. May you please show it to me? Is there an evident proof that you are shy when we look at you? Is being ‘’shy’’ a part of your body? Of course not, so ‘’shy’’ is a thought you have about yourself. Is it possible that someone thinks you’re not shy? Sure it is! Are you ‘’shy’’ in EVERY situation, in EVERY moment? Of course not. How can you pretend you are shy if being shy is unreal? It’s not reality! And guess what? Every time you think you are shy, you get a bad feeling in your heart for thinking something that is totally unreal! Is it possible that a girl thinks you are confident even if you think that you are shy? Sure it is. Is it possible that a girl thinks you’re shy when you think you are confident? Sure it is. Thoughts are unreal, they only create suffering. It makes you always worry about others opinions!

I’ve been asked once to describe myself. I answered ‘’intelligent, kind, confident, cute, funny’’. Could someone think I am stupid, mean, shy, ugly and not funny? Of course. Do I always think that I am intelligent, kind, confident, cute and funny? Hell no. I can be a dumbass sometimes. I can be mean. I can feel shy. Look at me when I wake up in the morning : I’m ugly as fuck. I can be boring also. See how all this stuff I thought about myself were unreal? The only thing they did was making me always worry about others opinions. I thought I was funny. Everytime I said a joke, I was hoping people would laugh so I would be approved. If someone didn’t laugh, I would be constantly worrying ‘’why didn’t he laugh? Does that mean I’m not funny?’’. I always had to look good, but guess what? I could feel like I was the prettiest guy in the world, yet someone could of thought the opposite. I could also feel ugly as fuck and someone would think I’m cute as hell… You get the point.

We also think that we attract girls/boys because we are [insert qualities here]. You may think ‘’Ashley fell in love with me because I am confident’’. This is FALSE. People will like you because you are you. It’s a match, or it’s not. That’s it, nothing more. No matter how hard you will try on ‘’improving’’ yourself, that won’t make you get more girls! Being what you are at the moment may attract Jamie, but Jamie may not be attracted by you once you become the ‘’improved’’ version of yourself. It’s subjective, there’s no recipe for getting people to love you. Confident people do NOT get more girls. They THINK they do because they have this false thought in their head. Same thing goes for guys who think they're shy. They’re CONVINCED that they won’t get girls to like them because of that. There are girls who like them, but these guys just won’t see them because they’re convinced that they’re unattractable. And guess what? Let’s say you think you are confident. When you will have dates with girls, if it happens that your date doesn’t like you, you will feel bad. You will think ‘’how could she not like me? I am confident, it was supposed to work! Maybe I wasn’t confident enough’’ and it will create unwanted suffering. She didn’t like you because it wasn’t a match. Period! You have no control on if people like you or not. Let’s say a girl falls in love with you! You will think that it’s because you were confident, so every moment with her that you will feel less confident for some reason, you will think that she will leave you… These false thoughts you have will only make you suffer.

Feeling shy is a part of social anxiety. Once you understand that we are all equal and that ‘’qualities’’ don’t exist, the social anxiety will fade away by itself. You won’t hesitate anymore to talk to girls because you will understand that no matter what you think about yourself and no matter what think might think about you, it’s not reality. Also, understanding that you have NO CONTROL on people’s feelings toward you will make you feel relieved and talking to girls naturally won’t be a problem for you. You will be yourself, as you are.

This is why I’m not comfortable with this link you shared with us. It makes people believe that they have a control in their relationships with girls when clearly, it’s not the case. It’s a match or it’s not!

 

I can appreciate someone who takes the time to leave such a thorough, well thought out, clearly articulated, and insightful comment! Well done man, couldn't have said it better myself

 

Thank you, I appreciate! You can look up Noah Elkrief on YouTube. He's the one who made me see things from this perspective! He has tons of powerful videos!

 

Cool stuff to read! I appreciate this discussion/coming across it - especially right now - because it's right where I'm at - I just met a girl for coffee earlier today who was a complete stranger - and I "was" nervous as all hell.

From doing this - nofap - and I believe in combination with small efforts everyday like just saying hi to women, eye contact, etc. a lot's changed in a short amount of time - really short amount of time really - kind of overwhelming actually. But in a good way - just my consciousness needs to catch up or something.

I was just thinking about how I relate to all that I just read - pondering today, what's changed, etc.

What I really notice is -

1. I accept myself more just the way I am. Like with smoking cigarettes - I want to quit some time, but I'm not right now so I'm honest about it. And so I'm hanging out with this girl today who I've never met before - and I'm smoking, and I feel self-conscious about it - because she doesn't smoke. But then I remembered - I mentioned I smoke and drink coffee like a wacko - and so what's the problem? There is none - even if I'm really smoking and drinking coffee like a wacko. And so - where usually I would run with those thoughts - I got over them, afterwards too - I would have assumed all sorts of stuff - but I just chose (to the best of my ability) not too. I think this goes along with just being one's self, even if being one's self is a nervous wreck. I was nervous, no doubt - but so was she - I could tell.

2. Something I've noticed that's changed I think - it's my concept of boundaries. I really think it has to do with being open-minded/taking chances/and this process:no PMO. Along with self-acceptance - at least more - and maybe believing the universe is abundant instead of seeing everything through a view of lack. I'm lovable, especially doing this - if one girl doesn't like me, another one will. The boundaries thing - I notice with myself it seems now I've got a better grasp on what's good to do and what's bad to do - on a general level socially. That sounds misleading - like stopping where I stop, and allowing the other person to more be where they start and end? in interaction. So it allows me to intuitively (not perfectly) do what I "can" do, and see what happens. Do they like it? Respond well? Happy? - I'm not even talking physical.

And the other major thing is believing what she says - like if she says "I had fun" - maybe she "really" actually had fun, ya know? She's not just saying that to appease me and being polite. Such an absurd obvious concept - but a real brain teaser of a puzzle for me in most my life - I've always assumed more than not - my bad thoughts about myself and perceptions are reality - when most often, they're consistently b.s. when it comes to everyone else - including and even especially women.

Personally, I think no PMO is the key ingredient. Anyway - it was a surreal experience, and just being so open! to meet a woman I don't know right away - to prefer that over pre-communication is a complete reversal to who I used to be. And what'ya know? I'm just human, and she liked me - had fun, enjoyed herself just talking. If she wouldn't have? Oh well - I already won against my own fear just by showing up. She didn't stand me up like I thought she "might" - that and everything after was just icing on the cake.

I think we're our own worst critics.

 

@Phyzik & @sandwich77 I really appreciate this simple yet profound wisdom you both shared on dating. All this info about dating and PUA stuff has made me realize that by default I don't have what it takes to attract really good looking females (those who get hit on by several guys and therefore have plenty of options). I learnt that there are so many attributes that I had to develop to become an attractive man. Body language, eye contact, the ability to open up the other person, touch, banter, escalation, text game, day game, night game, online dating, grooming, managing logistics, voice & energy calibration etc. It's all so overwhelming!. I understand the idea about finding your match and the abundance mindset, but I want my success ratio to be higher, I want my return on investment to be greater. To be an attractive man so that I can get the most attractive women in my life, that seems to be my ultimate challenge. It bothers me that I can't seem to get what I want. I feel nervous when I approach a pretty girl, I can't seem to connect with her and have great conversations as I do with my guy friends, the fact is I've never even had a friend who is a girl so I can understand their mindset. Perhaps this uncertainty of the female species prevents me from being myself. What are your thoughts on this?

@sandwich77 How good looking was this girl you approached? how did you start the conversation and how did she get attracted to you? also how did you start practicing? your journey seems quite inspiring!

 

We connected through a dating site and she approached me. I wouldn't say she was super good looking or anything, but she was prettier than I was expecting. We talked for 2 hours straight - until she had to go and went our separate ways.

I'm feeling a bit low actually right now - because I don't actually know if we're going to hang out again. We talked afterwards - seemed ok, she said she "had a lot of fun!" etc. - I asked her out again, she couldn't but suggested another day that I couldn't - and I don't know. It's confusing. I guess my point is - I don't have any real advice, except I think - no PMO, take chances, live through it all.

Try to keep your self-respect and don't turn into a sucker of the worst kind - stay calm, and if things don't work out or seem to be going that way - let things go that way and don't hold on too tight. That's my dating advice - except, honestly - I'm not a dating expert or real good at it, barely at all actually. I think like the person said above - just be yourself seems to make a lot of sense to me.

All the stuff I said above? All true for me - I think that's how I got a girl who's 21 asking me out when I'm 38 - more interesting when I'm my honest self. Right now - my honest self is confused, so who knows? Good luck! *shrugs*

edit - scratch that, just started talking to her again. By actually starting to talk to her again, go figure. The major breakthrough? -

"Having a good morning? Coffee? "

Lot of "game" in that question!

Back to the top once again - I'm my own biggest problem in my own life - and I was just myself talking to her just now for a bit - and it was nice. Kind of throws a wrench in all the things I think I "should" be and do, and makes me think about what do i really want to do? and is it possible? can I ask for it just generally? How do I get it? - I like these questions better - sounds like the results could be pretty cool!