If You Know Your Partner Is Lying...

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by alphazingersalsa, Sep 1, 2019.

  1. @2974629562994628

    I enjoyed your level-emotionless approach. I hope you don’t find the first foray discouraging.

    I commend you for speaking your mind; just wanted to say I’d recommend a “mr.sensitive” hat, when you choose to enter an SO forum.

    The reason is : SO’s have all been manipulated, abused, and lied to—- given the nature of addiction.

    Given that psychological toll and damage, there is a strong need for affirmation more than advice.

    It’s a balancing act. Think:
    “Compassionate counselor”
    Deleted Account likes this.
  2. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    Ya know what ? I usually don’t do this BUT ,
    You sir ARE behaving like an asshole . Your also behaving like a careless asshole that clearly is in the wrong section . I was SPECIFICALLY telling her not to listen to YOU . Jesus , at least most that have been here for awhile show compassion and have some form of knowledge about BETRAYAL TRAUMA which clearly you don’t . Maybe you should . I show support for both the porn addict and the SO on here . UNLESS THEY ARE ATTACKING AN SO . You sound very angry . What the fuck is it that you are projecting. Your shit is one sided , directed harshly at an already suffering , heartbroken woman . Hopefully a PA in some sort of recovery will school you on etiquette in general NVM on nofap . I know there’s a few on here . Almost every SO believes they ARE paranoid until low and behold their instincts tell them they are not and they FIND something, or stumble on something. FFS !!!
  3. I am also married and neither my wife or I have ever read through each other's private messages or gone through phone logs or opened each other's mail or anything. No spying, no snooping. Nothing. Even if my partner went batshit insane like OP says her STBXH has done (if I am to believe her 100% anyway). I would still never resort to the same kind of bad behaviour.

    In fact, I can say that in the past when I was cheated on. Even when my ex partner told me it was a mistake and apologised profusely for it. I didn't go out and do the same thing. I quietly filed for divorce and we went our separate ways in the most mature way possible. OP's 'story' on the other hand, if we take all of her posts into account, is one where she is quite equally responsible for the drama she has witnessed. Love makes people do crazy things but that is still no excuse. At one point you need to step back from the situation and realise that there is a young girl involved here and that you can't force someone to stay with you or get help. In that situation all you can do is walk away and not make a massive mess and fuss in doing so.

    There is far more emotion in all of my posts than any of the NPC, logic-devoid nonsense I have read from others in this thread that encourage OP to just carry on the way that she has been doing. It's clear that OP hasn't been able to sort things out and that a new approach is needed. Anyway I hope for the daughter's sake and really for everyone involved that the divorce can just go through as quickly as possible. In the future the young girl can make up her own mind which of her parents was at fault.

    I will make one thing very clear. I have as much empathy as the next person, but I'm not about to sit down and condone ridiculous and selfish behaviour even if it is done out of desperation (in OP's case) or through pure selfishness (in OP's STBXH case). Both of them are irrational people about to leave an unhealthy relationship. OP is as much in need of a reality check as her ex husband is in need of. That much is clear.

    Anyway I don't believe anyone can really make a difference here. OP needs counselling. If you're worried I'll refrain from posting in other threads. Hah, don't be.
  4. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    You did ? That surprises me . I actually agreed for her to not say anything. He could have left it at that . Everything else you wrote I agree with . But we do come on here for advice and opinions just as the PA does . As long as it’s not in a disgusting manner . I see it , but I’m usually more careful with my words even when someone relapses month after month . I dunno she’s a sweet supportive woman I got protective .
    need4realchg likes this.
  5. Yeah yeah yeah. We know that you are in favour of bending yourself into what-ever shape is necessary to blindly support someone, instead of being critical and looking at the situation from an objective third person perspective. I really could not care less about your opinion. You aren't OP. Maybe when you make one of your own threads asking for advice and support I'll give you my opinion on your situation but that isn't the case here. You're entitled to your opinion on the situation but as for what you think about me and the advice I choose to give, that's another topic and one that I really am not remotely interested in. Especially considering that you have some warped idea of how long someone needs to be a member in order to "qualify" as being allowed to give advice or something. Absolutely ridiculous, self serving nonsense.

    You can chill though because I've unwatched this thread. There is nothing else left to say.
  6. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

    Couple of things i want to say.

    1) I acknowledge the faults I have had in the relationship. In fact, as part of the “work” I choose
    To do on myself, I have apologized for an epiphany or two where I had acknowledged where I must have rubbed on his attachment wounds unknowingly. I am
    Not washing my hands here.
    2) I actually thought I was
    Psychotic when I first started snooping. Then I read up on “Betrayal Trauma” and realized a lot of my “crazy” behavior was a natural reaction to what happened. I’m working on my trauma with a csat, small groups, etc. But, I will
    Not all days are good. There are days when I fall back into these hyper vigilant behavior but insteas of shaming myself
    For my faults, I
    Will try to give myself
    Compassion. On a side note,
    Thank you to the SO’s and PA’s who have supported
    Me here.
    3) Fapstronaut Number: May I suggest you check out resources from Robert Weiss, Barbara Steffens, Omar Minwella, Kevin skinner, BTR.org and Carol Jungerson/Carol the Coach. You may want to start w/ Barbara steffens then Carol the Coach, who did a
    Workbook for addicts “Help her Heal” to encourage and develop empathy.
    4). I don’t know what attachment wound I triggered with you for you
    To respond so passionately
    To my question. I’ve posted quite
    Few questions here and never have I seem so
    Much zeal and anger in response to my query. Ikaw ba yan?! (is that you, husband??). If so, I hope you will begin to see even a glimpse of how real the pain you caused me. Are you his
    Affair partner trying to figure him out? If so,
    Goodluck to YOU!! If you are
    Just a random person who was happened to be triggered oh so bad by my question, then apologies to you. I intended to posy this on the partner support section, but ended up here so oh well.

    Thank you to everyone who has
    Shown empathy and support to me
    Thru your comments and messages, SO or PA. I hope I’m able
    To do the same
    To you in time :)

    So, ultimately, I asked him
    About it,
    Although very casually on the basis that I didn’t see his bike on the rack when I got home. He gave an answer that made no sense. Essentially, I let him lie thru his
    Teeth, if he is.

    I prayed about how to address this whole thing. I actually thought about what Fapstraunot Number said about us going thru a divorce and whatevrr he is doing is none of my business and me possibly invading his privacy from
    The get go. The real fight is not up to me at this point but up to my L
    “Waymaker” who is always victorious.

    As for my seemingly irrational move, here is what I have
    To say to myseld:

    “Oh, darling, I know you are
    Hurt by the betrayal and deceit you feel. That was not youe finest moment, but that’s okay.”
  7. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

  8. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    She should though. Does she know you are a porn addict? Or you just quietly sabotage her life behind her back? She should have the same choice to know who she is with as you do.

    yes, when someone close to you chooses to betray you, that's what you end up with. I'm grateful you took the time to leave your psychiatric practice and ivy league wall mounted diplomas to come and diagnose a young mother who's husband left her to pursue filth and fatties.

    OP has the human right to protect herself and her child from an unreliable man child still living in her vicinity. She has the right to know whats going on. They are still married. I doubt she knew he was unreliable when she chose to have a baby with him or marry him. His disregard for anyone but his penis probably presented itself to her well into their marriage.

    You are the least objective person here so far; you have shown nothing but visciousness and one-sidedness. This is her feelings, her thread. You can go on her husband's thread and cheer him on, but last time I checked her "man" was too busy with adultering to reach out for your coveted opinion.

    Good. I have a feeling you won't be missed. Aren't there a large bridge near you where you can go and talk someone into jumping?
  9. Fightyourlowerself

    Fightyourlowerself Fapstronaut

    I will be praying for you.

    P.S. Your not alone - I am sure you will find lots of amazing support here from fellow SOs like Queenie%Bee
  10. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

    We should pool
    Some money
    To send him
    Copies of “Out of the Doghouse” by robert weiss and “Your Sexually Addicted spouse” by Barbara Steffans. LOL. J/K.

    Sooo perplexed on
    Why he seems so affected amd and
    Angry about the whole thing.

    I read his earlier responses and he seemed
    To be triggered by the “privacy”
    Issue. You know what I learned? Privacy is golden for active addicts and a lot of the cases I’ve read about
    Here and seen in real life, this is the
    Number one defense
    Of cheaters
    : “how dare you look thru my things”
    Kizd4AFool and Roady like this.
  11. Thank you queen,

    I love that you were protective. I think here your voice was needed to affirm and empathize with the OP — you are one of the best in here in nofap at that.

    On the other hand, What my brother PA expected was a level-headed, Obama conversationalist-like tone to discuss this.

    That’s not what happened.

    I feel personal attacks fail to help our conversation or each other. I have also learned shaming each other is an immature way of dealing with something or some idea we don’t like.

    Kills me...bc it’s Hard to see how we break the cycle shame causes both sides—- when we continue it with each other.

    If nofap were a city, governed by two gangs SO and PA, there would be a few intersections littered with bullet casings and a sign “enter at own risk”.

    This is your “so forum “ so the PA needs to be more sensitive in my opinion.

    I will now try to make the “privacy” point better than has been explained up until now.

    To contrast... consider a person convicted of drunk driving. On top of the fines, those who have been convicted of a dui, or dwi their privacy is revoked. They have to breathe into a breathalyzer 3-5 times a day. Every day. Weekends included. Eating something with too much sugar (like donuts) may cause a false flag. Drinking certain sodas may cause a false flag. They are under court order to be monitored. Their vehicle will not work until the flag or daily check has been cleared. They cannot use a normal mechanic. Lots of complications.
    They have effectively zero privacy.

    However , to be clear, the 5th amendment, and Miranda rights, protect our right to silence ie privacy.
    That “right” is given to murderers, rapists, and serial killers. Only terrorists don’t get the famous Miranda rights.

    We had national news story that invoked Facebook , mark zuckerburg and congress... remember ?

    The whole issue was about privacy.
    Yes—privacy caused 500 of the most powerful people in the world to talk about it for days. I’d say it is a huge deal.

    I hope I was not offensive— thank you guys for being patient with me too, I have learned a lot by being quiet. Lol. Not my strength normally.
    Kiz Whalifa and Kizd4AFool like this.
  12. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    I was immediately thinking of the movie Hunger Games lol
    And I think it would be fabulous If there was some kind of “smell” or immediate “tell” like a breathalyzer to porn addiction. It really would solve a lot of the SO problems lol . No more paranoias, no more hyper vigilance, no more being lied to ! No more blindly putting your faith into someone who is playing with your heart . What’s that life like ? I truly don’t remember at this point .
    You were fine . It sounds like maybe your empathy has grown the more you read the SO words . Which is the ONLY time and reason I ever bring up how long a PA is on here . That’s actually a huge “tell” in recovery. That and connection. NOT BERATING AN SO .
    Lilla_My and need4realchg like this.
  13. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    Dr Weiss How to Help Her Heal video . Start there , it’s worth the money . Was very insightful for my husband and for me . It validates how we feel
  14. onceaking

    onceaking Fapstronaut

    Seems like @2974629562994628 joined NoFap to have fights. His long rants on this thread are quite something for someone who's just joined (unless of course he's had many other accounts before this).
  15. onceaking

    onceaking Fapstronaut

    @Queenie%Bee has been a value member of this forum for several years and you're just some random guy who's just joined!!!
  16. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    WHAT DO YOU MEAN ?? I do not . I don’t know what that means .
  17. D Why knock yourself out. You didn't mention how old your daughter is, but anyway you have something precious from the marriage. Just move on and forgetabotit.
    Kiz Whalifa likes this.
  18. onceaking

    onceaking Fapstronaut

    Maybe. I find it rather obnoxious for someone to go off on rants on their first day here. I sure didn't do that on my first day here.
    EyesWideOpen and TheMightyQuinn like this.
  19. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    I’m so confused . I specifically said YOU were sickening ? Odd don’t remember.
  20. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    Oh . Do you mean right after my last DDAY ? I’m sure my stinger came out . I apologize :emoji_zap:.
    Augustin likes this.

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