If You're Sex-Starved, Won't You Eventually Break and Become a Sex Fiend?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Forward Unto Dawn, Jan 11, 2017.

Ever started a ship with an incompatible woman because you had uber blue balls?

Poll closed Jan 18, 2017.
  1. Yes, but it was easily undone

  2. Yes, and it was hard to unravel

  3. No, my sex drive always led me to the right destination

  4. No comment

  1. Forward Unto Dawn

    Forward Unto Dawn New Fapstronaut

    Whenever I go on particularly long streaks (10+ days), I tend to notice I become increasingly sexually interested in women I otherwise wouldn't be and for all intents and purposes, shouldn't be. This is problematic because I'm not one to go through the hoops to have casual sex. I'm in it for the emotional connection. I personally can't see the difference between having sex for the fun of having sex and PMO. Both involve throwing away life energy for the sake of cheap entertainment.

    I'm pretty convinced everything we do in terms of self-improvement, jockeying for social position, and working/studying is to make ourselves more available to and attractive to potential mates, so when we falsely convince our bodies we have found infinite supplies of able and willing mates (or even just 1) through porn, it tells our body we don't need to fix what ain't broken, even though with a lot of porn users, it is. So when I say "life energy" I'm referring to that motivation we get during periods of sexual deprivation to improve our station and odds.

    However, there's a bit of a paradox. If you're sex-starved, i.e. doing NoFap, how do you differentiate between women you are compatible with and women you just want to have sex with? Women here might think this sounds a bit misogynistic and objectifying, but the male sex drive is like a private, unaccredited university at its worst: accepting of all applicants. Furthermore, isn't there a point where you become so starved, instead of being more attractive because of the added motivation and energy, you start repulsing women you would otherwise be pretty compatible with because of your neediness?

    If you choose to only release with a partner, you have to remember: you are not entitled to sex. It takes two to tango. But when a woman knows you are completely dependent on her to put you out of your misery, isn't there an inevitable loss of attraction?

    You remember with porn when you would find a video you thought was grade A, only until you reached climax and were absolutely horrified at what you had watched with the utmost interest? That's another trap I don't want to fall into in the real world, only this time instead of just having a tab you can quickly close out of, you have another living, breathing human being with a mind and heart you have to take into consideration. It can get real messy real quick if you're careless.

    I am not at all ready to decry NoFap; I still believe the benefits are real, but I guess the ultimate question at the root of this discussion is: how do you not let your sex drive control you, i.e. your sexual investments in women? Some people say mere MO is, but I'm deeply skeptical. I'm really not sure if it is possible to remove fantasy from masturbation, and fantasy in sexual contexts seems to be inherently detrimental.

    At the end of the day, my goals are the following:

    1. Make myself a high value person

    2. Maximize my chances of attracting and forming a sexual relationship with a high value, highly compatible mate

    NoFap helps with both but seems to confound #2 when it comes to sex-starvation mode. If your goals are completely antisocial in nature, there is probably good reason to believe absolute celibacy will help you achieve great things, at the risk of enormous agony if you look at people throughout history who were known celibates like Newton and Tesla. Transmutation is a thing. But I actually enjoy being around people and want to have fulfilling, sexual relationships with women so it's not for me. It's cool to achieve great things, but I'd like to able to enjoy it, too.

    The way I see it, sexual intentions are a magnet for motivating yourself to find a high value mate and an adhesive for keeping that relationship together and strong once you have it. I think that's a pretty safe definition of a healthily sexual relationship.

    On a side note, I have the following tips for any like-minded individuals out there with similar mindsets and goals which have worked for me:

    1. Leave your cell phone at home when you go out

    2. Practice mindfulness meditation

    3. Consume a low information diet

    4. Focus on *creating* things and try to minimize your time spent in passive, consumptive roles

    5. Avoid processed foods

    6. Resistance training + HIIT every day + 1 rest day per week

    7. Phenibut every 2 weeks or so to lubricate especially positive referential experiences

    8. Be proactive in social settings and don't just "hope" for other people to talk to you

    9. Manage internet usage

    10. Work on your appearance until you feel good going out

    Sorry if I put too much there! This is my first time posting after lurking a very thought-provoking thread which convinced me there were a lot of smart and good people on here it would make worth my while to pick the brains of!


    I look forward to reading your thoughts! (Wait, that makes it sound like I'm telepathic...)
    MasSingo and Deleted Account like this.
  2. Mankrik

    Mankrik Fapstronaut

    It is a logical and valid point that your increased sex drive may cause you to lower your standards. I would say porn addiction gives us unrealistic views of women and negatively influences our motives. On my personal nofap journey, my view and women abd goals for a relationship has changed dramatically. Deep into my current streak (day 130 hc no PMO) I am actually much less horny than I was before and sex in a relationship is more of an after thought as crazy as that might seem. My standards have been raised as far as my attraction to women outside their physical appearance i.e. physical attraction is longer enough to get me interested in a woman if we cant connect on a deeper level. I still value physical attraction but to a lesser extent. I am by no means desperate for sex and will not have sex with anyone I dont have real feelings for. Dont worry about nofap lowering your standards you will likely only become absurdly desperate for sex briefly early in a streak (if at all), self discipline and control are especially vital during the most difficult stages then its mostly smooth sailing from there. Prior to nofap I would have made much worse decisions in sexual partners and desperately wanted to fuck any girl that was even slightly attractive. My perspective has since changed completely, and I am only willing fo have sex with someone if I know we share mutual love. Keep in mind my views might differ a lot because I am 17 and still a virgin. Your concerns are very understandable, but I can assure you that after practicing nofap especially for a long time, you will come to new realizations and you will feel a natural state of fufillment and the previous uncertainties and doubts will fade. At least for me, nofap has allowed me to truly understand what it really is I want to find in a relationship, and to pursue sexual satisfaction through the noblest and purest of aspirations. It is challenging, but the new mindset and outlook I attained was more than worth the effort, I am sure you will have similar success and these aspects of attraction will make more sense once you experience them for yourself. Your brain gets rewired to the way it is supposed to be. Hope you found this helpful, just my ramblings about my personal experience. Hope this helps and good luck :D
  3. MasSingo

    MasSingo Fapstronaut

    During my early 20's, I did trying to NoFap (why the hell this forum didn't exist yet back then?). It was only lasted for 13 days then I gave up. During that 13 days I noticed that any random woman/girl I met would making me horny, like I would totally bang her without any doubt. Which why I gave up NoFap, to clear my head from uncontrolled sexual thought. Now, in my 30's I find it easier. I can control my mind better. Still have that horny thought but not as horny as my early 20's.

    I'm still on my journey to find my (perfect) mate. Not just physically, but also personality, how she treats other, even how she sounded. I also still working on/struggling on meditation, internet usage, and appearance.
    D . J . likes this.
  4. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

    Hmm, day 13 here as I'm doing NoFap 2017. I'm in my 20's and similarly to the post above any random woman/girl makes me really horny. In fact as I'm still in the rebooting stage, my mind starts feasting on images of women I have seen during the day instead porn/other sources. It's still fantasizing, but one can regard it as progress as it's more natural in a way. Sure, you are more on edge with all that unreleased sexual energy, but also more vibrant. I will not lie, my hands were shaking in the first days, but as time goes by it seems to get easier, or at least I hope so. In any case you either live with a boner, or live with regret. I choose boner for now and hopefully for long time to be :)
    D . J . likes this.
  5. P__phonic

    P__phonic Fapstronaut

    Just to answer the title, no, one will not necessarily "break down."

    I plan never to have sex outside of marriage. I am not married, though I hope to change that in the not-too-distant future. There is nothing too difficult about this situation. Sure, through one's own fault, one can get into the wrong situation and give in to temptation. But that is not necessary.

    Controlling one's primal urges is a virtue. If abstaining from sex and masturbation has the effect of making you sex-crazed, then there must be something wrong with the way you're going about it. Consider this: I have reset many times. One of the main causes of my resets is that I abstain from porn and masturbation, but I still let myself fantasize. That's like trying to put out a fire by spraying it with a little bit of water and a lot of gasoline. It doesn't get me very far. However, as long as I control my thoughts and resist the desire to fantasize, everything else is quite manageable.

    Mastering our primal urges takes discipline. Not only must we control our actions, but our thoughts as well. We cannot let our eyes run wild while looking at women and expect that we will be able to control our urges. Nor can we let ourselves fantasize often and expect that we will easily be able to make the right relationship choices.

    Our goal is to deny ourselves sexual gratification not so that we become sex-starved, but so that we become independent of the want of sexual gratification; so that it has no hold on us (and so we can make the right choices). If staying away from such gratification makes one's desire worse, then there must be something wrong with one's mentality, or method, or both.
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2017
    D . J . and Forward Unto Dawn like this.
  6. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Sovereign Soul likes this.

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