I'm 16 and porn turned me into a gay exhibitionist

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Liminal, Mar 15, 2021.

  1. Liminal

    Liminal Fapstronaut

    As hilarious or stupid the title may sound, I'm dead serious. This post is going to include some p*orn themed words, so I advice those who might find said words triggering to not read the following text. It's also going to be pretty long, I think.

    I've always been attracted to girls, feeling anxious around them and felt comfortable around guys. I had an "active" sexual life since I was around 6 year old, which is when I first started having sexual pulsions. During this age I also first viewed porn images, which, as I barely remeber, weirded me out but aroused me at the same time. After 6 y/o i didn't have much sexual interests aside from some occasional b***rs. I first watched a porn video when I was about 10/11 and masturbated for the first time when I was 11/12. I started off with stuff on youtube being afraid of going on "those" sites, then I switched to nudes and eventually I started porn regularly at around 12/13. First it was "vanilla" porn, then that vanilla included some body preferences for the girl, then I started liking videoes where the girl is taller than the guy for some unbeknown reason, then humiliation, then rimming, then pegging, then femboys/traps, and finally straight up gay porn/imagery. This all happened in the course of around 3 years, and now I ended up developping a exhibition fetish. Basically I'll be aroused at the idea of other guys seeing my intimate parts. Something I would've never thought to get into but that I eventually did. I think this fetish I developped might be linked to something that happened a year ago, an event that deeply shoked me since it truly showed me how easily my sexual urges manipulate me into doing things I'd never want to do. Basically I was unsure about the way I looked, so I posted a picture of myself on reddit asking people to rate me. They said kind things but one of these people in particular pm'd me saying encouraging stuff, things "she" was just saying to manipulate me. I was pretty excited to the idea of talking to what I naively imagined being a real girl since I had (and still havent) never had a girlfriend or talk to a girl for more than 10 seconds. We ended up talking on Discord, she first asked me to send her a picture of me holding up 2 fingers to demonstrate that I was not some pedophile trying to talk to some poor girl (how ironic). I sent her the picture and she sent me a video of "her" doing the same hand gesture. It was weird since it had a filter on, something that Discord doesn't have, but I stupidly wasn't bothered by it since the thought that the person who I was talking to wasn't trying to manipulate me, and wasn't who she actually said she was, didn't even cross my mind for some reason. She talked to me about how she had social anxiety and after about half an hour of talking she started talking to me in a weird way, lots of sexual innuendoes, saying how she had never had a boyfriend and eventually of how she was looking for someone to trade nudes with. So yeah, that was the entire finality of the conversation, manipulating some loser into sending her nude pictures. After some resistance, I eventually fell and we started sending each other intimate pictures, with the only difference being that my were real and hers weren't. While I was sending her those videos I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. After the nude requests I perfectly knew in the back of my mind that she wasn't real and that she was probably some pedophile who was manipulating me since the beginning of the conversation, but I liked that illusion. I liked it so much, those sweet words, those compliments and wanting to share that intimacy, which I something no girl has ever done with me, in fact girls used to treat me like shit back in elementary and middle school, calling me names, treating me with superiority, insulting me or ignoring me, and I eventually developped some kind of distrust towards them. That being said I loved that illusion as I was horny, once I came I realized what I had done and it struck me extremely hard. I realized what an idiot I was getting manipulated that way. I blocked her from every platform I talked to her, never knowing anything about her until a few months ago, when while browsing reddit I decided to search her username. Her account wasn't there anymore, the only related thread was a post from a guy, a teen, talking about how he had gotten manipulated by someone going under that username into seding them nudes. So yeah I wasn't the only one. Going back to my exhibition fetish, I recently read that some of us develop some kinks or fetishes in order to cope with some traumatic experices, for example a man who has been cheated on by his partner is likely to develop a cuckhold kink in an attempt of turning that pain into pleasure, as temporary and pointless as it may be. I think the same thing happened to me when it comes to my exhibition fetish. I had a bad experience with talking to a stranger and sending them nude pictures and now, in order to cope with that event, I take pleasure in recreating such actions. After what happened with the girl I was very scared, but eventually, about a month later, I started going on online chat websites such as omegle to please myself sexually. And here a new cycle of addiction began. First, while chatting with people on the websites, I looked for females, but I noticed I was starting to get bored with it and I noticed that females were hard to find, so I started pretending I was a female, first jokingly, "trolling" the strangers on the website (I think I was trying to ideantify myself as the person who tricked me into sharing nudes with them making me believe they were a girl. I took pleasure in doing to others what someone had done to me, as twisted and sadistic as it sounds). These sessions would last over several hours each, multiple times a day. I would literally just sit there for hours while masturbating and at the same time looking for people to sext with until I eventually found someone, at that point, after hours of searching, I would cum all this in the course of 2-3 hours. Then like an hour later I would repeat the same process, then again, reaching a total of about 9 hours a day of masturabation (it was last summer during quarantine). I went on doing so for almost a month and eventually reached a point where the skin on my penis felt like it was going to rip apart. During that time I first discovered nofap. It was the 5th of August 2020 and I had finally realized it couldn't go on like that. I attempted nofap many times since then, getting a max of 12 days off on my first attempt and a few other 7/8 days streaks (I also started taking cold showers, which is something I still do to this day). In the last months I pretty much failed all my attempts at getting back into nofap. I would go on for a day or 2 and then eventually relapse. I tried meditation but I can't concentrate on my breath since my mind drifts away too easily. As of now I masturbate 2-3 times a day, gay porn and gay exhibition as become the standard and my fantasies are running wilder than they ever did. At this point I'm pretty much a complete slave of my sexual urges, whenever I get one I just get this strong instinct to just go and relapse, I don't even have the littlest of willpowers to fight the urges and I keep getting dragged deeper and deeper into this hole. To summarize all this I went from a completely normal guy to pretty much a full blow troomer in 3 years, all thanks to porn. I'm failing school and honestly I don't even wanna imagine what I'll be like in a few years from now. If this keeps going I might actually develop some fantasies that may reveal harmful to others, so I think I might have to start considering suicide, this life is pretty much wasted. Although I suppose I haven't fully given up yet since I'm here posting this, indirectly asking for help and advice. I don't know, maybe if there's people reading this who can relate to my situation, which I don't wish for anybody, you guys can help figure this out. I don't even know what I should ask exactly.
     
  2. locomia

    locomia Fapstronaut

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    this is the future of men in 21th century,tee hee
     
    Mahalac likes this.
  3. Liminal

    Liminal Fapstronaut

    ahah humanity is going to shreds
     
  4. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    A very sobering read, thank you very much for sharing.

    For someone as young as you are, you show a remarkable capacity for introspection. I agree that this whole thing stems from psychological trauma, and for that I am not certain that just doing NoFap will fix the problem. For that I think you need therapy, or at the very least to tell someone you trust that this has happened and have them try and help you.
     
  5. Liminal

    Liminal Fapstronaut

    Thank you for showing interest and giving me advice. You're not the only one suggesting therapy, so I will probably go there on my own as soon as I turn 18 (I only live with one of my parents, who doesn't have the money for it and that would most likely belittle the issue if I talked to them about it). About talking about it with a friend or someone I trust, I don't really have friends, the only true (or so I thought) friend I had abandoned me as soon as he got a rich girlfriend to which he has been dedicating all of his time in the last few months, during which we haven't spoken, at all.
     
  6. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    That really sucks. Dont get me wrong, NoFap will help you, but I'll tell you the same thing I tell everyone; that it wont work if you dont do other things alongside it to help yourself. I strongly advise checking out the different sections of the forum and looking into different ways you can improve your mental state and bolster your ability to overcome the addiction. It sounds trite to suggest it but stuff like regular exercise and healthy eating really does help a lot.
     
  7. Killyourlust

    Killyourlust Fapstronaut

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    I was addicted to omegle too . I would spend hours , like 12 hours a day looking for women . I would end up jerking off to porn or guy a with fake boobs. I recently got out this omegle addiction but still addicted to p. Try doing the 90 days abs challenge that's what i have doing and its helping me a lot . Also try filtering softwares ,that would help.
     
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  8. Randombro

    Randombro Fapstronaut

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  9. Liminal

    Liminal Fapstronaut

    I tried filtering softawares but I think it's more of a mental thing at least for me. If I'm horny I'm not going to care about the filtering software, I once used one, set a random password without looking and eventually ended up hard formatting my devices just for the sake of viewing porn. How did you overcome the omegle addiction?
     
  10. Killyourlust

    Killyourlust Fapstronaut

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    Omegle addiction is worse than p addiction cause it takes up a lot of time for searching for a women on that site . I am a student studying for competitive exams and I realised that I can't waste 12 hours a day , so just started to fap to porn to save time cause fapping to porn last like only 10 mins or so. I decreased the time spent on omegle from 12 to 8 to 6 to 0 . Porn in this particular case helped me to get rid of this omegle addiction . Now I got rid of this omegle addiction I am trying get rid of this p addiction as well. My advice is go step by step ,for now stick to fapping to p ,and slowly decrease your time on omegle and then once you get rid of omegle addiction focus on porn addiction.
     
  11. Liminal

    Liminal Fapstronaut

    alright I'll try, thanks
     
  12. Liminal

    Liminal Fapstronaut

    thank you, I'll make sure to read them.
     
  13. Sean Scoops

    Sean Scoops Fapstronaut

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    Maybe going cold turkey 90 days is the solution?
     
  14. Liminal

    Liminal Fapstronaut

    been attempting that since I made the post
     
  15. Sean Scoops

    Sean Scoops Fapstronaut

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    Keep going
     
    Liminal likes this.
  16. Saythatagain

    Saythatagain Fapstronaut

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    You are already doing the best thing and that’s connection. Is the hardest thing about our addiction. We can do it all by ourselves and no one ever has to know. If I need drugs, drinks, food or gambling I’m having to seek out and obtain it from another individual. I recall how embarrassing it was to by porn mags or condoms from a clerk. This is pre high speed Internet, smart phones and self check out and Amazon. If you wanted it you had to get it either in person or by mail. A lot has changed and my addiction took off each time the speed or the availability increased.
     
    Cole96 and Liminal like this.
  17. Cole96

    Cole96 Fapstronaut

    Hey @Liminal,

    Thank you for sharing this post. I know how tough it is to admit all these things and specially to find a way out.

    Believe it or not, but my journey is pretty similar to yours, I'm just older.

    First off, it's alright to consider all the options (yes, even considering suicide is a normal reaction to the pain you are going through), but not all of them have the same impact on you.

    I've been an addict for 11 years, even since I had my first smartphone in 2010, and until recently I found my strategy. So I'll share you some words of advice, but more than that, I want you to understand that even if you are drowning in pain right now, there are a lot of ways out of this. You are not alone and your life is worth it.

    So, here go my solutions:

    1. Journaling: You already have a very introspective mind, so you know how to analyze situations with maturity. Channel that skill into a daily practice. Write your thoughts down, no matter how extreme they are. When you take them out of your head and manifest them on paper or a screen, you can see them and share them. Sometimes you might think that your situation has no solution, but someone else might be able to offer you feedback (that's basically how therapy works).

    2. Structure: You keep falling back into old habits because your structure isn't defined enough, probably. When you decrease the amount of freedom you have, you have to be more intentional with what you do with your resources.

    Example:
    If you wake up at 4am, do a morning routine (light bodyweight workout, cold shower, review your tasks for the day, eat breakfast) and start your day right away, you'll be more focused than if you wake up and check your phone.

    Being intentional reduces your unconscious urges. And over time, you can change your habits. You just need to introduce better ones consistently :)

    3. Community: Alright, so you got a daily journal that you ocasionally share with trusted accountability partners (whether from this community or else). You also have a defined structure for your day, that is flexible enough to adapt to sudden changes, but inflexible towards your bad habits. Now what?

    Well, so far you've identified yourself with many things, and some of them are dragging you down, right?

    So... it's time to switch that. Find positive things to identify with, that will make you want to remain sober.

    Example:
    I joined 2 threads from the Accountability Partners (AP) Section, one of them is a "Hogwarts for Fapstronauts" and the other one is about Batman. Why are they helpful? Because the members share their updates regularly, and there are ranking systems based upon your activity and/or your counter.

    In the Batman thread, for example, I get the "bragging rights" to call myself Batman if I reach 1 year of sobriety. That's silly, but so are my bad habits. So I'm choosing to identify with the silly Batman-wannabe side of me to remain clean hahah

    In summary: (TL,DR)

    - Journal a lot, every day. Share your situation with others who understand what you are going through.
    - Create a structure for your life that prevents you from wasting time and forces you to invest time in other activities
    - Find a community that you can positively identify with

    Hope this helps. I believe in you, kid!

    If you need someone to talk to, you can always reach out via inbox as well. I wish you the best :D

    PS: I apply all these things and more techniques, and I'm making progress. If I can pull it off and everyone else here as well, then so can you. We are all made to adapt. :)
     
  18. Liminal

    Liminal Fapstronaut

    Thanks man, very insightful read and advices, especially the one about documening struggles and progress, in fact after the first time I uploaded this thread I actually did feel a bit more relieved about my situation. I have yet to explore all the functionalities of this website since I'm pretty new to it, but I'll probably start a diary/journal as soon as possible. Quarantine made me extremely more lazy, so structuring my days is something I should also start now for tomorrow, when all this will be over and I will take advantage from knowing exactly how my days are goona be structured like, since right now they're very monotonous, I can't go out anywhere nor do I have the possibility to go work out at the gym as I used to or simply hang out with friends just for the sake of not being home alone with my urges. You have my compliments on reaching almost a month on your journey, you rock man, keep it up. Hopefully I'll be able to achieve that too, I think that would finally make me achieve that innocent happiness and joy of simply enjoying life that I've lost a long time ago due to all this. I miss it, that almost childish light and positive attitude, that optimism and not having to compulsively think about all the stuff that to this day as kept me in this situation. Just being happy.
     
    Cole96 likes this.
  19. Cole96

    Cole96 Fapstronaut

    You have had a lot of obstacles to face, and this long journey is coming to an end. That light that you are looking for is still within you, just give it some time and it will shine bright again :)

    You seriously have more chances of getting over this than you think. Just keep trying :)
     
    Liminal likes this.
  20. I see, we J Cole fans really be busy giving real constructive advices around here :emoji_sunglasses:
     
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