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I'm a Paranoid Wreck :(

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Such Small Hands, Jun 15, 2018.

  1. Such Small Hands

    Such Small Hands Fapstronaut

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    Look, to preface: I've never had a girlfriend. I've never been romantically/physically involved with a girl my whole life. Not for lack of attraction, just self-esteem/image issues and paralyzing awkwardness. My PMO addiction just made things worse. So if I come across as overbearing, you're right - I'm very new at this thing, and I'm also incredibly paranoid, not just for this stuff.

    Lately, I figured that since I'm in my early twenties, and I'm beginning to show a more active (re: courageous, I guess) interest in girls apart from the usual ogling and fantasies, I ought to put myself out there. I've actually had a pretty tortured past (and present) sexually, so I'm not totally prepared for this, but I might as well give it a proper shot before an early death, I suppose.

    At my current summer job, there's this girl who's around the same age as me. She's quite pretty, and after a few days, we got to talking cordially with each other. We actually had a nice, rather vulnerable chat two days ago in which we learned a lot about each other in a very short span of time. However, this is not enough for me to be remotely interested in pursuing a relationship - I'd have to talk with her more, and I thought that'd be easy, since we seemed to get along. We were both cheerful with each other, and genuinely so, it seemed.

    Cut to yesterday and today, and I get this vibe that I've pissed her off, for some reason? Like, I get the sense that she's avoiding me, and that great chat we had with each other was just forgotten. I don't know what it is - I even said "hi" to her, and I got this cold "hi" back, and there's a refusal to make eye contact. I've been agonizing, thinking if I'd done something to deeply offend her in any way.

    Anyone experience anything similar? I'm thinking it's two things: I've done something terrible to offend her that I'm unaware of, or maybe she got the vibe that I was (potentially) interested in her, and is trying to send a signal that she isn't interested in any way, shape or form without being explicit. I'm torn between those two options, but the second is acceptable. The first would be mortifying.

    You can tell I'm a paranoid wreck because of the attention I'm sparing this issue. It could just be nothing! Or, I'm on to something? The obsessiveness, I realize, is troubling, but I'd like some peace of mind on this, and I've got no clue how to get it. I'm still in the process of growing up :(

    Man.
     
  2. Just ask her what’s up. Tell her you enjoyed talking to her and we’re wondering if you did or said something. Maybe her mood had nothing to do with you.
     
  3. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Maybe you did something wrong. Maybe you didn't. Maybe she's interested in you. Maybe she isn't. Maybe it's about you. Maybe it isn't.

    What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? What if?

    Are you trying to be a professional mind reader?

    Is your world going to be turned upside down every time someone else's mood changes?

    Ask her what's going on and if she doesn't want to talk to you then she doesn't want to talk to you. She has her reasons and she doesn't owe you any answers, closure, or peace of mind. Being in a relationship with someone requires communication. Neither of you are communicating with each other. That's not a good start.

    Being afraid of confronting her and trying to worry the situation away isn't going to work.
     
    Such Small Hands likes this.
  4. Such Small Hands

    Such Small Hands Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, both of you are right. I have to do something mature about this rather than let the silence fester.
     
  5. MetaGame

    MetaGame Fapstronaut

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    It is equally possible that she did actually like u and felt like u didnt take the hint so now shes playing hard to get or intentionally told herself to lose interest in u. Yes women do this.

    So when a girl refuses to talk to u,its often called ostracism. Look up videos on it. I'd say you only have 3 real options.

    1. You confront her. U ask her straight up. I noticed u been acting weird towards me later. Did I do something wrong or did u hear a rumor about me or something? Please be honest and let me know cuz I thought we had some nice chats.

    2. U be enlightened/happy with ur personality. Often if u just be urself and not worry about em, either they come back or u attract the right kinda ppl instead. Or they get envious of being ur friend etc. Yesterday this girl in my lecture ostracized me. Started acting cold towards me etc because of something I wont bother to explain. either way I just interacted with everyone around her normally and didnt send her any extra effort. Once she realized i didnt really care that much and that I wasnt making it a big deal. She started talking to me again and started asking me my opinion about things. U have to be pretty secure in ur personality or have i woulds say at least a 30% level of extroversion for this option in most cases.

    3. Ostracize her back. Ignore her, dont say hi to her. If u work with her, be very professional and dont manufacture any extra conversations. Often if ur really quiet around someone and they think for some reason u should try to talk to em more. Eventually they decide to break the silence. But if u keep trying to force it out of her, her defenses will just thicken. U kinda have to let em unbuild the wall themselves. And if they dont well u dont want to be involved with that person anyway. If ur a relatively average/nice person and ppl ostracize u for no good reason ... U WANT TO STAY FAR FROM THOSE PPL. Especially when its pretty girls and even more so in nofap. Cuz u never know what issues / snakes they are dealing with why they act that way.

    This is something ive lived and researched. Gauge ur situation and use one of those 3 options. This is like the third ostracism post ive commented on in the last few days. Maybe i will write a post on it.
     
    Such Small Hands likes this.
  6. Such Small Hands

    Such Small Hands Fapstronaut

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    UPDATE

    Turns out, I was just being paranoid!

    Man, I need to get out more.
     
  7. You should have expressed interest in her after that talk, dont wait too long with girls their attraction to you will die off
     
  8. Experienced the same thing a few times which lead to one of my main rules with women " don't read to much into what they do or don't do as far as conversations or meetings" with women nothing is ever set in stone I think she is just testing you with women theres always something going on in there minds and its not about you . Also don't go up and apologize thinking you did something which is foolish . I have used that rule above many times and it works well reading to much into things gets you rejected faster because your just assuming it also works well in relationships when we all have are bad moments on both sides
     
    Such Small Hands likes this.
  9. TheProcedure

    TheProcedure Fapstronaut

    i'm stalking you @Such Small Hands. i never heard about thissss onee.. #feelingunimportant

    make it up to me by giving me the end of july update on this.
     
    Such Small Hands likes this.
  10. Such Small Hands

    Such Small Hands Fapstronaut

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    I felt like I told you already...weird. We'll discuss through the alternate channels I guess.
     
    TheProcedure likes this.
  11. TheProcedure

    TheProcedure Fapstronaut

    Waiting
     
  12. You get a job to work and earn money not to get a girlfriend!
     
    Such Small Hands likes this.
  13. FullHouse3

    FullHouse3 Fapstronaut

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    Any updates about the situation? Hoping the best for you!
     
  14. Such Small Hands

    Such Small Hands Fapstronaut

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    All good, I guess. Ended up getting her number and we're supposed to get coffee in a few weeks or so. Again, I'm super paranoid, so while my freakout has more or less been addressed satisfyingly, I'm now stressing over a simple meet-up over coffee!
     
    Deleted Account and FullHouse3 like this.
  15. I feel I should apologise for my last post. I was in a bad mood and my comment didn't come from a good place. I would say for some people it isn't a good idea to get into a relationship with someone they work with because it brings extra tension and they end up having terrible fights in the workplace. On the other end, some couple are able to work together. Anyway, it may not be an issue for you since it's temporary.

    Try not to. I think you should view this coffee date (or whatever you want to call it) an opportunity to make this girls life a little better. Don't think about the possibility of her becoming your girlfriend nor think about your past, just aim to have a good time with her so when your date ends she goes home feeling happier than when the date started.

    This video from Mel Robbins might help you as well

     
  16. Such Small Hands

    Such Small Hands Fapstronaut

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    No worries! I didn't take your previous post in a bad way. I think you're right, ultimately - if I was interested in getting a job simply to meet girls, then there would be something seriously wrong with me. In terms of workplace relationships, I generally agree. In my case, yeah, this was a brief summer job, so there's no chance for any long-term complications due to a shared work environment :).

    You gave great advice about this coffee "date" (or whatever it is - just a hang out) and thank you for easing my mind somewhat. Focusing on her perspective/happiness is definitely a wonderful way to approach it. I'll make sure to check out the video. Stay strong!
     
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