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I'm a sex addict. My friends of 25 years cut me off. I need advice / help.

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by Jrad09, Jan 23, 2020.

  1. Jrad09

    Jrad09 New Fapstronaut

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    First time poster here.

    I'll try to keep this short.

    I have a sex addiction that started from porn and masturbation. An addiction that spiraled out of my control - affecting my parents, wife, friends and other people that know me. Everyday I wake up with guilt, shame, regret and a feeling that "I can't believe this happened".

    I have a kink I developed in college and resurfaced three months ago. The kink was, getting on the phone with women and basically silently pleasuring myself while talking on the phone with them. Sometimes video chatting with women and doing the same without them knowing. Disgusts me to think of it.

    One of these women posted my picture on social media, exposed what I was doing and everyone found out. My friends, family, wife, everyone. Luckily, my wife reached out and she took all the posts down. Thank God.

    But it was too late. My friends of 25 years cut me off without confronting me and asking me what the hell was going on. All of them. They were all in my wedding, they were all there through my childhood, they were the only friends I had. Now they're gone. Just last night I was officially uninvited from my old best friend's wedding. He was my best man at mine. I'm devastated.

    I have anxiety running into people I grew up with or anyone that knows me because I'm terrified if they know. I deleted my Instagram too because of the shame and guilt.

    I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist that specializes in sex addiction. I see him once a month (expensive to go more), and go to a sex addict meeting once a week (12 steps), where there are others like me and we just talk things out.

    Every single day, I long to talk to my "friends" again. I came to the realization that I probably won't ever talk to them again. In the 12 steps, step 9 says to make amends with the people you hurt. However, I honestly feel that they will never talk to me again. Ever. I have a strong feeling they won't give me the time of day, based on how they just cut me off. None of them have reached out to my wife to ask how she's doing, and none have reached out to me. My best man at my wedding said he doesn't want to associate with someone like me, calling me a sexual predator. This devastated me.

    I'm broken. I know I fucked up. I count my blessings that my wife decided to stay with me. I'm progressing week to week, day to day, minute to minute. I'm doing the best I can, I feel extreme guilt, shame and regret for what I did and will never do it again. I feel terribly for my wife, my family, and old friends who I hurt.

    I guess my question is.. how do I move on from the bad choices I made, let go of my 'friends' and really move forward? How do I get better? The shame, guilt, regret and the fact that I will never speak to my old friends is unbearable on a daily basis. Thank you in advance for any advice.
     
    Arnuld, Knighthawk, Mordobarn and 2 others like this.
  2. CodeTalker

    CodeTalker Fapstronaut

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    First I feel sorry for you. It’s a difficult situation. But everything that is hidden will be revealed at some point. In a way, your friends saw you how you really were. So were they wrong to react the way they did ? Despite that I think that true friends would at least try to know your side of the story, maybe the loss isn’t as big as you think.

    One thing for sure, you need to fix that behavior and maybe when you are healed things would change.
     
    BluesHockey likes this.
  3. Porterhouse

    Porterhouse Fapstronaut

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    Hey Jrad09,
    I can not relate to the social media aspect of your story or having my friends find out by surprise and I’m sorry that it happened this way. You sound like you have a rock steady wife and that it awesome and something to be grateful for. I believe the hurt you feel is a testament to your desire to break this addiction. Where I do relate is with the shame. I shamed myself into some very dark places and everything was all based on a lie. Yes, I have a struggle, but no my struggle is not who I am. Shame has a powerful way of tricking us into believing the worst about ourselves and then saying we can’t tell anyone because they will think the same, none of which is true. Though it will be incredibly difficult in the current moment, I would encourage you to not focus so much on your friends, but instead on you and who you truly are, not the shame lies. Once you build this foundation you will be able to navigate the social interactions your talking about because you will confidently know who you are. If you have a moment, I would encourage you to watch this video along with some of Browns other videos.

     
    marr708 and RobbyGo36 like this.
  4. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

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    What happened was a covered-up blessing. Why? Bc it was a wake-up call, maybe u had some of em previously but this has to happen in order for u to really wake up. Now ur trying to get urself better and solving your problem. Don't be sad for it... counterintuitive, i know, but that's a hidden blessing from God, Who Loves You and wants to wake you up.
     
  5. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

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    Just leave stuff to God and if your friends were really friends they will come back. If they don't, then find new ones.

    Maybe some of these "friends" who ran away have their own hidden porn stash too.

    Maybe they are really running away from what their own wives' tongues might say over em... They might be just running away from a poison called "female societal judgment". No one really knows
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2020
    marr708 likes this.
  6. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

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    Who isn't?
     
    Knighthawk and kammaSati like this.
  7. Hey, welcome here.

    What you did wasnt good, it was a creepy and straight up perverted behaviour, BUT no way in hell that it makes you a predator.

    Predators are those fuckers grooming/preying on people and for the most, children.


    Jerking off while on the phone, not a big deal.
    Jerking off while on video chat, bigger deal and sure, it makes people feel really uncomfortable, but its not a lifechanging act.


    Your friends seem to have their heads so far up their own asses that they dont even put your actions in perspective to what is REALLY bad.

    Sure, if you would have raped those women i would agree with your friends, but not as it is.

    we have all done perverted things, I for an example used to take creepshots of my GF and use those pics to hear other people on adult websites drool over her.
    A big deal to some, I wouldnt bother iaf my GF would have Done the same towards me, and when I started to feel shame, i told her about everything. Found out that she didnt feel harassed in any way.
    Today were engaged and its all good, this shit happened long ago.

    i wouldnt do it again, but I was young and dumb.


    What im trying to say is that your actions arent even comparable to predators or other dangerous fuckers.



    Dont do it again, but relax, dont be too hard on yourself.
    It it would have even absolutely fucked up, then your wife wouldnt have stayed with you right?
     
    Brooklyn Jerry 70 likes this.
  8. Porn and sexualisation are everywhere, but if you make one wrong move this kind of thing happens.

    It probably is a blessing that your friends just left you. Otherwise they'd probably keep bringing this up whenever it suited them and make you feel like crap.

    I say move on, get some hobbies, do new things. Not easy but better than beating up yourself up and wishing things didn't happen.
     
  9. marr708

    marr708 Fapstronaut
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    Your friends sound like a bunch of prudes. My long term friends would have just shaken their heads and said "dude you're a total perv...btw, what are we doing this weekend?" Anybody who won't forgive you for your mistakes isn't worth your time. True friends believe in forgiveness and redemption. It's the redemption they would seek if their own secrets were revealed.
    Actually, your story makes me want to forgive a wonderful friend of mine who crossed a serious line. I said I forgave him but in actuality I never did. I froze him out even though he apologized. It took your post to make me realize what a hypocrite I am. I will make a call this week to someone who deserves my forgiveness. I would want the same consideration for my sins.
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2020
  10. Riz@123

    Riz@123 Fapstronaut

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    It's really sad to hear this but u have changed now n u have your greatest support your parents wife u have not lost everything try to forget past and create a better future by doing things right eventually everythn will come back to u trust in god y he has put u thro dis process coz he really loves u and want u to change and believe me things will get back normal
     
  11. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    Yeah it sucks when one Is exposed. I had a nervous when I made a gay pass at a friend n got exposed. That was in 2013 n it took a lot of therapy, me ruining my career, self-help books to be stable.

    Though every day I think of that incident n wish of a different past.
     
  12. verbeek75

    verbeek75 Fapstronaut

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    Really sorry to hear about your story, but seems those friends were less real friends then you though they were, they at least should have talked to you. I know it's hard just start over get a new hobby or whatnot and make new friends maybe one day your old friends might come around, if not then they are not worth it anyway. What is worth it, is your wife, seems you got your 1 in a million, appreciate her more then ever. Work on your relationship, way more important then some so called friends. Seems to me your real friend is already beside you.
     
    Brooklyn Jerry 70 likes this.
  13. Indurian

    Indurian Fapstronaut

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    We've probably all done at least one ridiculous sex related act during our lifetime that we would make our lives crumble if exposed. I know I have. In time your friends will likely be mature enough to acknowledge that they have also done
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  14. Well... i think that was really, really very bad to be honestlly and even not being directly rape physically it was in a certain way rape because it was using the others without knowing they are used to satisfy someone sexually and all this without their consent... and rape is without consent.
    Is very bad and especially if they are close friends and is normal they feel somewhat betrayed and abused... abuse of trust especially if you are married.
    I saw some comment here saying that maybe they are not really true friends or... and maby you need other friends... but don't forget that they were victims...
    And don't forget that maybe many some of them are still your true friends and they even forgave you but they needed to do something about it so they decided to walk away to prevent this from happening again and had to remove the contacts.
    They probably don't even imagine how bad you feel about it, I almost bet that if many of them saw this post they would even give you a hug and forget about it all.
    The problem is to regain confidence, they know that you are sorry and that you really don't want that to happen anymore and you need to prove ... and when you lose confidence in someone it can take a little time to regain it and we have to be patient and many things do not depend on us alone ...
    But also who has never done anything stupid in life ?! lol
    So I think you should live your normal life, continue to recover from sexual addiction and go on to make new friends along the way normally, pray and trust in God.
    Now talking about myself a long time ago I was upset with a person who was my friend and when I say that I was upset I really mean that I was really upset. After really lots and lots of discussions and with time we stop talking .... and by chance or not a day that I don't believe it was by chance, we ended up meeting and curiously speaking ... and we are friends now again.

    So as the Holy Father Pio used to say: Pray, trust in God and don't worry. :)

    Unbelievable and it seems a little surreal that I'm saying this here... I think that maybe it can help you a little.
    So ... Pray, trust God and don't worry.

    The cure start allways many times through forgiveness... and sometimes we also need to learn to forgive ourselves... and how the Indurian say who has never done something stupid in life?!
    So I think that sometimes we have to learn to forgive each other a little.
     
  15. Arnuld

    Arnuld Fapstronaut

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    I’m really sorry you were exposed. That has always been my greatest fear. I’m sorry that you lost your friends.
     

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