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Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by ClearChrystal, Mar 21, 2017.
Guys on this site have amazing wives. I would have left all your asses and not because of porn.
Emotionally stunted is an understatement for most of them.
Immature, emotionally stunted, cold, insulting, excuse making. You had kids too with these guys? Listen I'm no saint but why are you putting up with this nonsense? You really want your son if you have one to model his dads behavior?
I don't where many of you live but on the easy coast of the US the dudes clothes would be on the lawn by now.
Well easy to say, hard to resist.
Women known for their ability to try till the last, there is always hope.
I've seen lots of clothes on the lawn in Jersey.
I think the wives are doing a disservice to themselves and their kids by staying in this environment.
@Drew140 Don't want to be rude, but you need to briefly check out the forum rules.
I'm shutting my mouth
Hey all, I'm not a very good writer so I apologize this is a ton of stuff thrown together. But I nned to get it out and I think that my experienece is pertianent to this thread.
I can tell from what I have read on this site over the last 3 weeks that I don't have a porn addiction like many do. I do, however, have a masturbation addiction. For the last 20 something years I had been servicing myself at least once a day. I just enjoyed the orgasm. I had been a drug addict before, and I can also admit to being an overeating addict right now. My wife knew at one time that I had been watching porn and asked that I tell her, that she would help keep me accountable. Well, that really isn't a realistic or healthy marriage. All that does is give her power over me and keep me the "bad guy". So I would lie, or just not tell her about it. It was just less trouble this way. She had a perennial tear giving birth to both of our girls and she has a lot of scar tissue so if she isn't all the way into having sex and totally aroused then it hurts and she doesn't enjoy sex and I don't enjoy hurting her. And I've put on a good amount of weight since we've been married, and I'm just not a good lover and I suck sometimes at being a husband because I don't really pursue our relationship like I should. So, if she felt like sex we would have sex. And if she didn't, I'd service myself. Sometimes I did it myself before and/or after. She just wouldn't know. She is a sexy, beautiful woman, super smart and can be very sweet and fun. I'm blessed that she loved me and is committed to me and our family. I just simply have a deep rooted issue that I did not get real with myself about until just a few weeks ago.
At the company I work for there is tremendous emphasis placed on self improvement and leadership. After a few years of this culture and a few good books on the subject, I discovered that I could not lead my team at work or my family at home or my own self while leading a lie. So I told her. I told her that I was a sex addict. I told her that I have been masturbating every day for over 20 years. I told her that it deeply effected my relationship with her and with all women that I encountered on a daily basis. That I would fanatsize about her, women from my past, women from porn, women from church, random women that I encountered on the street, and so on. I had made myself believe that it was normal. That this is what all men experience, that it was primal and deeply engrained. And that may be so. But I know now that I can have control over my body and my mind. With the right disciplines and resolve I can be totally devoted to my wife and family. And so far it has been 3 weeks with no P or M.
Now, ClearCrystal, I hope that your husband gets real with himself. It might seem cliché, but he can only change after he admits that he has a problem. Then he has to take ownership of his decisions. He can't blame anyone else. He can't expect anyone to do it for him. It has to be all him. He can have support, but its just him by himself making the correct decisions day by day, minute by minute. I have come so close to falling. And I have fantasized about a couple of women at work without acting out. I have even had a pretty vivid sex dream recently. But I do not intend to resume my old life.
@ClearChrystal I'm sorry to hear of your story. I want to say a couple of things from the point of view of an addict...
I'm sure this has been said already, but it's NOT your fault! At all. You don't get addicted to spite someone else.
As for not noticing the signs or knowing his habits, addicts go to extraordinary lengths to hide thier habits, deny them to others and justify them to themselves.
In a way, and don't take this the wrong way, but you're lucky you even caught him, so at least you could start to talk about it, open a dialogue and try to work through it...
As for loving someone while still being addicted to porn. I won't speak for anyone else, especially your SO, but i absolutely love my partner and have for years... And yes, I've been addicted for a long time...
Unfortunately it really is up to him wanting to quit to start to work through it. I think i read you sent him some videos about addiction? That's a great place to start.
One series of vids that really motivates me is Terry Crew's youtube series called "dirty little secret".
I wish you and your family the very best.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Reading this shows clearly how porn addiction can affect a SO even if most of it are lies (It's your fault, you are not good enough, etc.).
I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this and i wish you the best and that your husband takes his steps to realize his problem and get free.
On the other side I am thankful that you have the courage to tell your story here so that others can learn from it. The more I learn about how this affects a SO the less I want my future wife to go through all of this. And I am really thankful that I have the opportunity to get rid of Porn and Masturbation now after so many years of addiction. I hope and pray that I can be completely free before I marry.
Thanks and God bless!
Well actually all of that leads to think: goddamit, why we are so nice, funny, sexy and so on feel like idiots when discover that our SO lust about anyone he see.
Also cliche, but I can say for myself: I feel foolish. Really I am. I can understand everything guys say, but still, the feeling of being fooled is still here.
Here was the song, I guess it all says:
You've been so unavailable
Now sadly I know why
Your heart is unobtainable
Even though you don't share mine
You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one
I have loved you for many years
Maybe I am just not enough
You've made me realize my deepest fear
By lying and tearing us up
You'll save a lot of your and your future SO nerves and days. Keep going, you can do it.
Thank you. I will do it! Sick of wasting my time (and others).
The OP hasn't been active in quite some time. She wrote her husband a letter and got her relationship back on track. The advice she received from experienced ones here helped her immensely. So far her story is a Success Story.
she left us hanging , i want to know how things turned out, such suspense