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I'm back, and lost again

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Numb, May 7, 2019.

  1. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I'm loosing some hope here. We've been watching some videos together and talking some. But as far as I can tell that is it. Oh, and he's rereading his books. I'm trying to remain patient because of what is going on with his dad right now, but I won't wait forever. I just need to get my ass moving and stop counting on him putting everything he has in recovery. I never truly thought it would come to leaving and it is really hitting me now.
    It's not that he is not doing anything, I feel he is trying just overwhelmed. Then he freezes, he needs to reach out I just don't know if he will.
     
    hope4healing and Butterfly1988 like this.
  2. Does he have any APs and/or a sponsor that he interacts with regularly?
     
  3. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    No, he was doing great until his dad's health started to decline. The stress was his trigger, I think he though he had this beat. If he didn't minimize it he didn't have strong urges or triggers, though I do have some doubts.
     
  4. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    This probably goes without saying, but being in recovery is not about how many books you read nor videos you watch. I don't much like self-help books (though I've read a few) and self-help videos are not my cup-of-tea, but I hope that I am not deluding myself when I say I am in recovery and not just abstaining. Just a thought.
     
    hope4healing and Numb like this.
  5. Hi @Numb
    I know you're just blogging and not asking for advice.
    I'm facing end game here too. We all know where our limits are.
    I don't know your story only this thread.
    But my two thoughts are:
    1) He's done a year that's not an easy feat that some would struggle to achieve and it shows commitment. We are all human - when we face the loss of those we love - it's the very hardest thing we face in life. We all wobble and shake at these times - even non addicts.
    The fact he's fell off the horse is on some level understandable - he needs to get back on it if he can muster the strength. If he can't then he still has to face the loss of his dad, but maybe without you standing beside him. Either way life is gonna teach him some lessons and what will be will be. Using Compassion will help cut him some slack - while he hopefully gets his head round things.

    2) You are the most important thing you've got. I am the most important thing I've got - go us :)
    This is poop! What we need is support, love, friendship, a bit of peace, some space to find ourselves...some space to feel safe from rejection, a space to find comfort. This doesn't need to be apart. It just gives you both some time and space.
    Really if you can get a therapist...go for it. I repaired myself last time without...it can be done.
    This time I've got a therapist ( not a csat- doesn't have to be for you) but trauma trained is important. Really it's been invaluable to vent off, sustain my energy, and have someone fighting my corner with me. To know actually I'm growing here too...to know whatever the outcome, I'll be better placed to deal with it.
    Anyway hang in there lady - you are awesome.
     
  6. I had 18 months of no P, then relapsed hard after a very difficult encounter with my parents and siblings. (My family of origin is a bit of a mess.) I thought I had PMO in the bag, but that incident showed me just how I can be blind-sided by stress in life and how poor my coping mechanisms can be. After a year of on-and-off relapse, I got back on track about 8 months ago and have been plugging away one day at a time ever since.

    The main change I made after my year-long relapse was to get a big group of APs and check in with them every day. That has been such a huge help to me. This site has helped me find a terrific support network. I am currently in touch with APs every day all over the globe! I have APs in Singapore, Australia, Africa, Spain, Eastern Europe, all over the US, etc. It's wild! And we communicate on and off throughout the days every day on here, and on various social media platforms. No matter what time of day or night, I can reach out and find an ear to bend. It has been a huge help to me. Coupled with adding all of these folks to my Accountable2You reports and a commitment to maintain this practice for the rest of my life, I am mindful every day of the places where I am weak. I cannot say I will never stumble again, but I am in a much stronger place than I was even after 18 months of no P.

    Maybe something similar would be a help to your SO? If he's interested, have him reach out to me on here any time. I am easy to find. :)
     
  7. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @Tao Jones I'll pass your message along to him.

    I don't know if I am expecting too much right now. Maybe I should back off a little for now. I do know I need to see SOMETHING. I wish things were just clear, I could say 'yes, he is putting his all in this and doing what he needs to do' or 'he doesn't care and there is no hope'. But it isn't that clear.
     
    Butterfly1988 and hope4healing like this.
  8. Great suggestion from @Tao Jones . Another thing, for awhile during his streak, he was on here often, writing and interacting with others. I even remember him doing a great job of encouraging others who were struggling for various reasons. Do you think it might be helpful if he read back through all the things he's written, about himself and to help others? Perhaps he would find it useful to remember things he said when he was not overwhelmed by everything happening with his dad.
     
    Butterfly1988, Numb and kropo82 like this.
  9. Hi @Numb , how are things? Hope you're doing ok. ♡
     
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  10. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for asking @hope4healing I've been around kind of. I've found that currently reading some posts here makes me feel worse and more anxious. Otherwise he is doing good, we are doing good and I'm mostly ok. Everything has been fairly stable. His dad is getting radiation but he can't have surgery.
     
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  11. Hey @Numb , just wondering how you're doing and hoping things are going ok for you guys. <3
     
    Numb and TryingHard2Change like this.
  12. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I'm still around, I've just been putting off writing anything. Nothing new with the PA, no relapses that I know of. But there is a lot of shit going on, it's really stressful around here right now and it is going to be some time before that settles down. I may go into more detail but I just don't want to spend the time to go into it right now. In the end I think it will prove positive but it has been dumped onto us out of no where. This stress is more on him, but it was dumped on both of us. He is actually handling it pretty well. But I still worry, about the PA, about his health and about what will happen in the future. Whatever happens I know that I will be ok.
     
    budvap, hope4healing, kropo82 and 2 others like this.
  13. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    @Numb I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. Relapse after so long (and then finding it on my own) is my number one fear, as I know that is my final straw. For me personally, even though my husband and I have been through life together and have 4 children together, I couldn't continue the marriage if he were to relapse and hide it again. I know everyone has a different story and breaking points, so you must do what is best for you. That is a hard situation for a SO to be in when PA is experiencing a loss of a parent, so I can't imagine. You want to be there for him, but at the same time you are also exposing yourself to more hurt. All my best to you and know I am thinking of you. Please update us when you can.
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  14. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    It's been crazy here. Both my bf and I have pain issues and have been prescribed pain meds. Our dr who wrote them for us recently walked out of the practice. We think it is more than that, he may be being investigated. He is a great guy and dr but I think he may have been over prescribing people. I could talk to him, I've been going there since I was 15 or so. So it was worth the hour drive each way to see him. But with this whole 'opioid epidemic' I feel the government has swung too far the other way. Now people who are suffering from real pain are being cut off and left to suffer because some abuse the medication. I'm doing fine, I've started a new med that is actually helping and cut back on my other meds. My bf though has been swept aside with no help. No one will touch him because of the dose he was prescribed. This med he was given 15+ years ago by a pain management dr. He never abused him meds and always has taken them as prescribed. He agrees that the dose was probably too high, but how could we know that? You trust your dr right? Now the government says his dose is too high and he needs to cut it down. Ok, he's willing but he does have real pain and other health problems that complicate the issue. We have been contacting rehabs and clinics but they say he needs to be on a much lower dose. WTF? Isn't that what these places are for. It looks like when they swung to the other direction with pain meds they forgot to set up help for the patients. Drs are afraid to prescribe pain meds. Like I said, he is willing to cut down but it needs to be done slowly, not over night. But because we had to move to a new dr and drs will not prescribe pain meds to new patients he's screwed. Most drs anyway, it is just trying to find that one dr who is willing to help.

    Now, all this shit is going on and it is majorly stressful. He is actually handling it well, much better than I thought he would. But no matter how much I don't want to, I do worry about relapse. Because no matter what it will effect me, him and us.

    But that is what is going on. There is a timer ticking down and I hope we can stumble across someone who can help.
     
  15. He isn't giving referrals to other doctors or anything? It sucks that all his patients are just left hanging like that.

    Is it possible for your bf to see that pain management Dr again?

    I'm sorry you guys are going through such a rough time. I completely understand your fears about the stress leading to relapse. It's an unfortunate but very real, legitimate concern. I'm thinking about you guys and hope things can turn around for you soon. Hugs.
     
    Numb likes this.
  16. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    He has seen pain management, and has called others. One that we've talked to isn't willing to touch him until he is on a lower dose. We have one more dr that may help. The pain management that I found told him he should got to inpatient treatment to lower his meds safely then she can treat him. But we can't find any. All the places either say he needs to be on a lower dose before they will take him or that he needs to be off ALL his meds. But he isn't an addict, he just needs to lower the dose.
    It is a very fucked up situation. I had no idea it was so bad. If you are abusing drugs off the street there is help. But if you are taking meds but now caught in the new rules for the opioid epidemic there is nothing in place to help. He was talking to someone we knew where we use to live. Our friend did heroin back then then got into a methadone clinic to get off it. He said that you had to have heroin in your system to get in so even though he was trying to quit he had to go get some and use it to get into the clinic. Methadone is what my bf takes for pain, it was first made as a pain med and it works really well for him. Our friend said he was given a very large dose once a day there and it knocked him out for the day. He had to ask for it to be lowered. I was shocked at the amount he was said he was given.

    I can keep going on about this. It is crazy. Because of the dose hes on and the length of time he had taken the meds he shouldn't just stop them. Add in his health issues and it could get very dangerous. Crohn's attack, heart attack, stroke and seizure are possible. Then there is all the other withdraw symptoms. Like I said, he isn't an addict but his body has become depended on the meds over time. It is something a lot of people don't understand. These meds have their place, they've just been over prescribed.

    We also are going to call some hospitals. That may be an option. But he has PTSD surrounding hospitals and I think he's been putting that one off til last. We've talked about and he said if that is what he needs to do he is willing.

    Thank you, thank you for the response and support. This situation is all fucked up. We keep hitting dead end after dead end. I'm hoping one of these leads play out. Oh, there was one rehab place that said they would take him, but it is $700+ per day. Private pay only. He'd probably need somewhere between 30-90 days to lower his dose to a more reasonable level. I think it is crazy that they never thought of the fallout when making the new guidelines on pain meds. And never put anything in place to help pain patients. Drs are afraid to write, even pain management drs.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  17. Oh @Numb I'm so sorry. That is a bad situation all around. I hope you guys can find someone to help so he can safely get his dosage lowered. ♡
     
    Numb likes this.
  18. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Good news, our family dr agreed to reduce his meds monthly. Then once he is on a lower dose he can see a pain dr. But that seems so backwards. The pain dr should be the one doing this. The system is so messed up. But at least this dr is willing to help and not just turning him away like so many others has done.
     
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  19. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I don't know. I'm not sure what is going to happen with us. I feel kind of hopeless. No relapse that I know of. But the PMO is only a part of the issues we've had. I don't trust him to tell me the truth. He shuts down when he doesn't know what to do, and most of the time it leaves me feeling abandoned and worthless. I hate it that I'm having a hard time pushing this back right now. He needs to deal with reducing his meds and I know he is afraid. Of the side effects and of the pain. I worry about that too, it's hard to cut the meds like he has to do even though I do think it is for the better. He doesn't need to worry about my pain right now, he needs to take care of himself. I wish I could hide it but its been inside me for so long, sometimes it is too much and I can't keep it down anymore.

    Our, my problem right now is his lack of response. He's been depressed, and I get that. But this isn't a new thing. He just shuts down and says very little. I get few words and that is only if I ask direct questions. I want a discussion, two sides communicating. I know now that I can't live with this. I just feel like I don't matter, he can't even take the time to respond or reassure me. I don't think he takes it seriously how close he has pushed me. I'm here still because I saw positive changes and he seemed so much happier and I felt we started to connect where none was before. I wasn't mentally healthy enough in the past to know what the issues were or to see what I need to be happy. He says he wants to make me happy. And I think he has it in his mind what that is he wants to do. We want a small place with a little(or a lot) of land in a quiet place. I want to have some small livestock like chickens, rabbits, quail, ducks and farther out maybe goats or sheep. Those two are more dreams and may be unrealistic for me. But that is our dream we talk about and want. It may or may not ever happen. But he doesn't listen to me when I tell him he has everything already to make me happy. It is in him, the other stuff is a bonus. I want to be with him, for us to be healthy. To have that connection and a healthy sex life. But right now he is withdrawing into himself. There is no connecting, there is no sex, there is little communication.

    I'm tired of asking, begging, pushing. He thanks me when I push him to get up and get moving. If I let him go he slips farther and farther into depression and spends all the day in bed. I don't mind supporting him, I want to support him. But he needs to do something. I'm taking on more because he is in more pain, but I think some of that pain is coming from the physiological. I don't know when I am helping too much. But at the same time I can't just stand back and do nothing. That isn't me.
    He has finally contacted a therapist, he use to see her a long time ago. We've talked about him seeing a therapist but he always holds back. He doesn't want to talk about a big part of his past that has caused his PTSD. But he needs to do something. He needs to do it for himself.

    So me, I'm ok personally. But the me in our relationship isn't. If we split it would be devastating but I know over time I'd be ok. I'd never ever date again, but that is a choice I have already made. But I love him and I will put up with the pain if I see there is a light at the end for us. Right now I don't know if there is. I do think he thinks I will just always be here, as long as he doesn't PMO. But there is more to it than that. There are times I wish I could have left for a few days, but I can't do that. I have no car and I have the animals to take care of. I can't just walk out. So now I don't know where things are going. Sometimes I think I'm being greedy and selfish to expect things right now and I should just push it all down and deal with it. But then I think, it is never a good time and I've been waiting for nearly two years(from the last DDay, not counting the relapse). We've come close to facing this stuff, but then something more important comes up and it gets pushed to the bottom of the list. It seems when that happens that we have to start all over again, the ground we've gained is lost.

    Sometimes I wish he'd read what I write, but I know he'd never find this or ever look for it. In the beginning I told him he is free to read my post but I know he won't. I think I need to figure some things out. I need to make a time frame. I can at least start to get rid of some of the junk I have. I don't need it anyway and if worse comes to worse it is less to do at that time. I hope it doesn't come to that.
     
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  20. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    And every time I feel like this and start to really doubt he does something that totally turns me around. It is these moments that I see a really good future with him. I see what can be once we get all this shit behind us, not just the PMO but everything. He is really a great guy. I know things are going to be hard these coming months.
     
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