im back... need to express some thoughts and feelings

Hi everyone,

First I'll start with the blunt truth. I haven't been truly clean since that day I took a break from this forum. I experienced more or less the same patterns. Averaging 6-8 day streaks then relapse. The longest I went was 14 days, and I have one or two occasions where I went 2 days in row (small binges).

I took a break from NoFap mid September to work on rebooting on my own. I felt like I was spending too much time here. I vowed I'd come back with a success story, and I didn't quite come empty handed.

Now lets get to the bright side... Ive been inspired with my ideas and my business. I secured a new deal and I'm multiplying last years annual income by 10. I'm seeing progress and I'm feeling confident in my abilities. I am on the path to being self sufficient, my goal is that I soon will be able to take care of those close to me (financially).

Moving forward towards the emotional side of this journey. I took a break from tinder/facebook. That was a whole other monster in itself. I was so curious after a week of deleting it to see what was going on... "Am I missing something", "What If matched with a great girl" etc... But I told myself If I abstained from Tinder for a month, a girl would come to me. Low and behold, that came to fruition. A new girl got hired at my work. She approached me and we gradually started talking heavily and started seeing each other for dates. This girl is amazing, I genuinely feel a connection to her that I've never really felt with anyone else. Shes beautiful, we like the same music, the same food, we have the same sense of humor, shes intelligent, shes ambitious and focused. We share similar views that I didn't think anyone else had. I feel like someone understands me, and she feels like someone understands her. Human connection, folks. Its beautiful.

Today I was planning a date with her for tomorrow, and I wanted to go downtown to grab a bite and find something fun to do. She seemed reluctant and insisted I hang out with her on campus. I asked why, and she confessed that in her culture its frowned upon to be alone in public with a man. She feared people would see her with me and they would spread the word, gossip and ultimately shame her to her family. She believes this ideology is pure ludicrous, but she has to endure it regardless. The conversation got into more depth and I started asking more questions...

To get straight to the point, I asked her what her beliefs were on "pre marital sex". She told me it is not allowed based on her religious beliefs and shes very against doing it. I on the other hand am not religious at all, and have very different beliefs on this matter. She was worried about this conversation and dreaded the day it would come. I told her I wanted to be with her, but I simply couldn't because I cannot wait til I am married to have sex. I don't feel its healthy to suppress feelings and emotions. And although I'm literally here to abstain from sex, I'm doing it to heal so I can have a healthy sex life - as I feel that is vital. We agreed to just be friends. And man I am kinda heartbroken... I had a different vision in my head. I even told my mom about her (Im picky with that stuff). I wanted her to be my girlfriend, and I felt that I was ready. Im not scared to admit that I shed a few tears mannnn. I know what true human connection feels like, its intimate and I didn't even get naked to feel that. But with a little foresight, I know the relationship would hit a ceiling and I couldn't succumb to that.

Well...... All this hard work on becoming a better man is paying off. I knows theres ups and downs. And when we relapse we feel like were on a treadmill. But I promise this is worth it... 2 years and I still have work to do though.

Tonight I feel a cocktail of emotions... I feel sad because I cannot be with a great girl. But I'm also feeling grateful that she came into my life. It sets a new standard for me. Now I'm beginning to know what I want in a woman. I see growth in myself as a person. I see growth in my creative endeavors.

In times like this the addict brain will try and turn your thumbscrew. I must be stronger than ever. Life will get better as I harvest the desirable crops from the seeds I've planted. Would love to hear from you guys.

Blessings, strength and love to everyone.