I'm Back

I don't want this to be just one more "I'm back" post and then 3 days later the person is gone. I owe a great deal to the internet and its contributors (people who give their time to write good stuff) for all the things I now know about sexuality and porn and everything related to it. Based on it, there's no doubt I suffer from porn addiction, when the doubt stays for longer in someone that's already a sign something's wrong, but when you search it and everyone says the same thing? Sure it is the thing you're worried about.

Knowing this, I have a question for myself: Why am I addicted to porn? Because as an addict myself, staying almost 4 years with this, I learned something the hard way: every addiction has an origin and I know my addiction's origin: a relationship that never even started, I was so heartbroken because of the words "I re-conciliated with my boyfriend" that I just couldn't stop crying at the end of that day. Here's the good news: I don't even care about that person anymore, so whatever started this isn't continuing this, which means something else is the problem, and here's where things get messy, because I don't have just one thing that might be my catalyst for porn, I have many that can be:

• Bad self-esteem: this originated from two things, one is my shyness, which made me suffer a lot in real life, outside the internet. This shyness originates from the second thing that is itself one of the origins of my bad self-esteem, isolated/overprotected creation, this way of creation isolated me from other kids so much that I had extreme trouble finding friends at an early age at school, and since I was at a common public school the teacher hadn't the time to correct my mistakes and problems.
• Lack of purpose: it's so easy to make your life a thousand times as difficult by simply not having a purpose and dealing with an addiction at the same time. It makes you crazy and depressed.
• Bad decision making: one of the things I learned with this addiction is that when passing through difficult times people often take really bad decisions: not clean the house, not take a shower, not wash the dishes, not brush their teeth... They forget about themselves, their house, their work. Our exterior is the reflection of our interior. One way to counteract this is to do what must be done because it is good for you: clean the house, take care of yourself, exercise, don't listen to negative thoughts.
• Bad time management: of course, someone that takes bad decisions but have high goals need a good time management, but what they have is usually the opposite, on this situation, trying online services that organize your life can be a salvation!

Technically, if I solve all these four problems, I may cut the porn addiction by the roots. There's still the dopamine problem though, it's difficult to get rid of an addiction, especially if it is a coping mechanism (most of the cases). So I'll start to do more fun things in general and try to do things at the time I masturbate so I can reorganize my coping mechanisms into others that are more controllable.