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I'm blowing hot and cold

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Chappie77, Aug 22, 2019.

  1. Chappie77

    Chappie77 Fapstronaut

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    I'm doing a hardmode nofap.
    Hoping to cure my delayed ejaculation condition.
    Nine days in and My head is all over the place.

    I've been avoiding any images of attractive women.
    If I'm browsing the internet and a picture of an attractive woman comes up I quickly scroll down.
    Today in the supermarket I found myself standing behind a young woman, looked like she was straight out of the gym, skintight leggings.
    When I noticed I immediately lifted my eyes away until she was gone.
    Am I taking this hardmode too far?

    At other times I'm not feeling the determination I felt early on.
    Thoughts of "it doesn't matter if I masturbate" or "in the long term any relationship might fail".
    Yeah, defeatism or maybe just a temptation to revert to PMO and not getting involved in relationships and all the baggage that comes with them.
    It's so easy, masturbate > satisfied, quick and easy.
    You're doing fine on your own.
    You don't need all the shit of a relationship in your life.

    Another thing I've been getting is intrusive pictures in my mind's eye of a favorite pornstar.
    It's not obscene images.
    Just pictures of her face.
    I've been scrubbing them quickly as they arise and not lingering on them.
    It's like they were my perfect beautiful friend with benefits and I'm kinda grieving for them because I'm condemning myself to never see them again.
    Sounds pretty fucked up, right?

    Just some thoughts I'm having.
    I know my determination and fervor is going to wax and wane.
    I'm still hanging in there.
     
  2. Koufax32

    Koufax32 Fapstronaut

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    As long as you’re still hanging in there. It’s great that you are recognizing your behavior and catching yourself and doing what you can to avert your eyes and scrub your thoughts. I think you’re doing all the right things. Stay focused and keep up the good work. Don’t give in, don’t give up.
     
    Robinthehood likes this.
  3. Carbon Icon

    Carbon Icon Fapstronaut

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    Do you have any plan for recovery other than white knuckling it and coming on NOfap?
     
  4. Chappie77

    Chappie77 Fapstronaut

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    My plan is to go dating and have sex.
    Been avoiding it for years though.
    I'm older now, I want a life partner, who knows even a kid.

    I've been through the mill before.
    I'm very familiar with disappointment and failure in sex and relationships.
    I'm willing to give it another go and put myself out there and either be accepted or rejected.

    Of course I'm not going to keep up averting my eyes at the sight of an attractive woman.
    Speaking of which I went to the gym today, only man in there with 5 twenty something girls beside me, oh boy, and what they were wearing. It's kind of funny that I've gone from perving on women online for hours to averting my eyes and thoughts away in the presence of an attractive lady. I've turned into the biggest prude ever overnight!

    But I'm not going back to PMO.
    That's what I believe is the root cause of my sexual dysfunction.
    Maybe I'll admire women you see on usual websites and media, but I won't search for them.
    Maybe I'll even take the odd sneak peek at hot gym bunnies.
    But I'll hopefully draw the line at that.
     

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