Im constantly falling down.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Arbiter, Feb 14, 2020.

  1. Arbiter

    Arbiter Fapstronaut

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    Recently I had a 40 day streak, then I relapsed 5 times in the same day, stopped for 10 days, then relapsed 5 times, had a day off and today I relapsed again twice. All with P.

    I also hurt my leg a few days ago so I couldnt go to the gym but Ill be back in the gym in monday.

    I used to have 156 day streaks, 40 day streaks, heck, the longest streak I ever had was 11 months, that was quite a monk mode.

    I dont know what is going on, why am I falling down for this every time and binging hard, why am I like this. Why I used to be so strong but now I am weak.
    I think one of my major triggers or at least contributors is my sometimes felt loneliness and lack of romantic relationships and romantic success in general.

    Its been quite a while since I had anything with a woman (3 years, in fact), and not for the lack of trying. Ive tried many times with different approaches but still nada. So I kind of just gave up on dating. Yes I was sometimes bitter and angry, but now Im really feeling towards the indifference, since I find other fun things in life.

    But could it be a trigger?

    I dont know.

    I really, really want to get back on track and quit this PMO addiction forever, never, ever, ever, ever again PMO. I want to go full monk mode.

    Any tips, motivation, and just kind words are appreciated.
    I need all the help I can get.
     
  2. FapistMonk

    FapistMonk Fapstronaut

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    I am like you in that I've had some very long streaks, one of them over a year. And then I relapsed. Then I'd go a week and relapse, 30 days and relapse, 45 days and relapse. I think I was up to 140 days recently when I relapsed. Takes me forever to get up into those higher level streaks. And in the meantime my relapses are brutal, fapping up to four times a night, not sleeping well, getting right back into it. And with all the shame and sense of failure. Someone on this forum reminded me yesterday to focus on this day, just this day. And that is helpful. I am four hours a way from Day One. But I haven't been there in several days. I am good for today.

    One thing I have found very helpful is getting the hell out of bed when the urges come. It seems to interrupt whatever is going on. It's also helpful because I swear I wake up touching myself! It's like I already started. And right then, just like a few minutes ago, I was able to just get up and move around. (And come to this site). I don't consider a few strokes a relapse, but I know that if I don't get out of bed immediately, what comes next is on me. This is doable, but I do find that simply cannot do it completely on my own. It's similar with my weight. Every several years I go back to Weight Watchers and drop 30 pounds. It seems only to work for real when I check in with them every week. It's my SA.
     
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  3. slapdad jones

    slapdad jones Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to getting some time in, then losing it again. There’s a couple things I would note here:
    It’s particularly difficult because triggers are literally everywhere. I travel a lot for work and find myself in hotels for 4 days at a clip. Spend some time in an airport, it can be very challenging. The urges are very intense when you check into your room and have 6 hours of downtime. My point is being an alcoholic, I can choose not to go into a bar for example. Unless I put my eyes out, I see triggers. It’s very hard to keep it together.

    I only maintain a vague idea of time. Counting days can make the slips much harder to deal with.

    I also began to look at the underlying anxiety of the slips. It’s worse than the act itself sometimes, because that’s what makes us wear down our resolve, and self worth.

    For me, the battle for mind is the whole game. Meditation practice is the best weapon in my arsenal.
     
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  4. henryhill

    henryhill Fapstronaut

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    Really like what has already been said by those before and can relate to the OP about having long streaks and then having seemingly worse and worse streaks...

    I was thinking about this recently and for me it feels like it had a lot to do with where I was at in life and a lot of outside factors. During my longer streaks I usually had a very important goal I was striving for and that seemed to help especially when the goal had everyday implications. Also when I am in a good healthy relationship that seemed to help (even if there was no sex involved - I’m religious so celibacy before marriage is important to me- not saying it needs to be for you). I think building a strong network of friends and associates is good. Depending where you live there might be different clubs or groups you can join to get to know people if you are lacking connection. Again I don’t think it has to be romantic to help. I even found different 12 step groups helped a lot for connection. You could likely go to an AA meeting if there are no SA groups in town and just let them know your “alcohol” is porn. They would likely understand.

    Anyway that turned into a longer post then intended I guess I needed to try and connect as well so thank you for letting me do so!

    You can do this! We can do this!
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2020
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  5. hubbawulf1234

    hubbawulf1234 Fapstronaut

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    I, like you, get into a habit of constantly falling down. I made it around 80 days and am now just coming off a 3 month binge! I'm not exactly a fountain of wisdom on this subject, but if you are constantly falling down, make yourself a habit to constantly get back up!

    One thing I remember that Mark Twain said is, "When you find your self in a whole, the 1st step is to stop digging". And that will usually help me.
     
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  6. FapistMonk

    FapistMonk Fapstronaut

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    This is helpful, thank you. I agree it's all about the mind. You reminded me that airports are indeed difficult. Like a balloon in a needle factory. But in environments of less intensity I try to adopt the "First Look Is On The House" outlook. This just means that when you first notice that amazing babe across the room (and think 'Oh Jeezus' among other things)--that first reaction is spontaneous, natural, instinctual, unconscious. But if I keep looking, keep drawing from that first reaction, sneaking a peek from the bar, or while talking to someone--that is on me. That's just me replaying that first little dopamine spike. I fail at this sometimes, of course, but on a good day I can avoid that first look turning into a second, third, fourth, etc, and by that time, she is in my head for the day and will likely be part of a fapisode later.

    In another mood I remember what a Buddhist friend said, that when you look at someone with lust or fantasy, you are taking something that they did not offer. Nor do we tell them, "Hey, I just might masturbate to you later." When I go into fantasy about someone, I am no longer really present with them, but lost in my erototrance.

    And it's about mind and mood after all. I ask myself what I was thinking/feeling just before I fapped or viewed porn, or images on YouTube; what feeling was it I was suddenly trying to dampen or cover over? Sometimes I can come up with something, sometimes I can't. But I always assume that there was some kind of avoidance going on just before I said "Screw it" to myself and gave in.

    But I go on and on....sorry.
     
  7. FapistMonk

    FapistMonk Fapstronaut

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    Just the other day someone referred me to Twain's essay on masturbation. One line from that is this:
    Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the least to recommend it. As an amusement it is too fleeting; as an occupation it is too wearing; as a public exhibition there is no money in it. It is unsuited to the drawing room, and in the most cultured society it has long since been banished from the social board…
    So, in concluding, I say: If you must gamble away your life sexually, don’t play a Lone Hand too much.
    When you feel a revolutionary uprising in your system, get your Vendome Column down some other way — don’t jerk it down.
     
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  8. hubbawulf1234

    hubbawulf1234 Fapstronaut

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    That's a good chuckle this morning! Thanks!!!
     

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