I'm dying, I'm done

It's too hard for me to have a 30+ days streak recently. But I relapsed last night. I am so disappointed. I'm done, I'm done.

I have suffered cancer for four years, when I was 20, and I don't even know whether I can survive to see the new year, 2018. I'm so tired, so tired. I can't stop my negative thoughts. I messy my life up for many years. These years I spend a lot of time with porn, eating much junk food, and killing time with meaningless things. Porn has totally destroyed my life, because I don't know what things should I do as a dying man.

Recently I know a girl who steals my heart, although maybe she does not love me and only treats me as some friend. It's been quite a long time that I nearly forget the feeling of love. Last time when I loved some girl, was seven years ago. I always believe that I, as a lazy man, dying with cancer, addicted with porn, not working hard, do not deserve love. I deserve a shit, I deserve nothing.

She is so wonderful that I want my life to be longer, although I cannot do anything to change it. I decided to live a better life. I get up very early every day for reading or sports. I keep a balanced diet and seldom eat junk food. I quit porn. We go to the concert of Jay Chou(my favorite male singer), the music day of Hebe Tien(my favorite female singer), which are my best days in my life. So I have a streak of 30+ days without PMO, the longest.

Last evening I showed some very negative emotions when I walked with the girl, which seems to make her feel strange and unhappy. I have waited for seven years to meet this girl but it seems that I may lose her very soon. I don't know how to do. She doesn't know I'm a dying man so it is quite strange for her to hear my discouraging words. I know why I said those words. The reason is that we have happy time, but I always think of that I'm going to die. I cannot stand the truth that I am about to leave, when I finally enjoy my life only for a short time. When we said goodbye she gave me a big big hug. I am so grateful for her appearance. But when I went home I was so sad that I knew I cannot have this hug forever. I was so disappointed. I thought of how could I stop saying that discouraging words. I know, however that even if I did not say those words, one day she will still know that I'm dying. I was driven mad by these thoughts and finally I was lost in porn.

It seems that after this relapse, I am going back to the shit life before. I don't want to stop here but I can do nothing, I can do nothing. I am back to the shit.

So, is it a fate that I am a forever loser, a forever dying loser ?
I'm done, I'm done. How can I stop here ...

 

Thanks a lot bro. I just need a place to say something. I feel better now. I will keep trying!