I am a wife to a very good and loving husband. We've been married for a little more than two years, we have a beautiful daughter and I'm currently pregnant with our second. He's a resident and works so hard with crazy shifts and long hours. It's important for me that when he comes home he feels like he can relax, like he's home. So the house needs to at least look tidy lol, have a decent dinner, toddler and I look clean lol and we're happy to greet him when he comes home. (To the best of our ability he's very patient and understanding when it isn't always that way. It can't always be) He is also aware that this addiction is something I'm struggling with. He tells me that it'll take time for it to break and it won't be easy. But what's good is that I keep trying. This could really damage relationships and has destroyed marriages before so it is important that I keep trying. But with this in mind every time I relapse I'm too hard on myself maybe. I get so scared that this means each time I relapse I've betrayed him, or he'll love me a little less. This has no real foundation to lean on, it's just my fears but it stresses me so much. Everything get's pushed back the house isn't as clean, dinner is half-assed. I quickly do my hair and become too cheerful or affectionate when he comes home to hide any tell that might let him know I didn't win that day. Also to cover up the fear and anxiety I'm feeling when he comes home. I've never been good at hiding anything. When he comes home my stress is too the roof because even if things are acceptable to me I know where I've fallen short in the day and it's too much pressure on myself. I think I just need a little love and a good cuddle at these times. But after working 12+ hr shifts when he comes home he eats dinner, plays with baby and talks with me for a few hours, and then by the time I put our toddler to sleep he's falling asleep if not already asleep. I can't blame him, he needs to rest, but I would really just love some one on one time with our undivided attention. Not being interrupted by my guilt, anxiety or our toddler lol but just to be with him and reaffirm that he loves me and will still love me even when it's not my best day.