I'm filled with hate and I'm pushing everyone away.

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by brokenmillennial, Aug 21, 2020.

  1. brokenmillennial

    brokenmillennial Fapstronaut

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    Because of my years-long porn addiction and my life in general I've become an empty vessel, a shell of a man. My personality is dead, the life force gone from my body.....the only thing that is left is an endless sea of hate. Most of the hate is aimed at myself, a lot of it is aimed at the people who I feel helped bring me to this point, some of it is simply aimed at humanity itself.

    Who wants to be around someone so bitter? I know why people, including my own family, are distancing themselves from me. That just compounds the grief even more, causing myself to hate myself and others even more, it's a vicious cycle. Sometimes I fantasize about simply cuddling with someone because I feel such emptiness but that would require me to get close to someone and I'm too damaged to do such a thing. I wouldn't want to put someone through the hell of having to deal with me and my screwed up life.

    I'm starting to think this could really be it. My life is more or less set in stone and there's no escaping this hell. Maybe my brain is too damaged by now? All I know is I have this sinking, dreadful feeling that it's too late and my life really is over.
     
  2. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    I dont know your story and as such am reluctant to give specific advice but its only over if you believe it to be over, as soon as you give up you lose. Simply quitting porn and excessive masturbation wont solve your issues by itself but believe me, it will help.
     
  3. I relate.
     
  4. Hi BM,
    you are only 31 so there is still hope. I empathize and identify with your post a great deal. I too once felt as you do. I hated the World, other people and myself in no particular order. You are approaching the point of no return. But, I have already reached that stage!
    My life force, as you so aptly put it, is gone. My health, both mental and physical, is depleted. My only remedy is to start again from scratch. But at 47 years old that is almost impossible. However by changing everything about myself I can tread another path! One where my, inter alia, eating and thinking habits are completely transformed!

    But enough about me! Please post the particulars of your situation BM. Asking yourself the following questions may prove helpful.

    1) Do I have unrealistic expectations about relationships I get in to?
    2) Is my self-hatred a symptom of or the cause of how I view the World?
    3) Is there some belief or religious dogma that is causing me to self-sabotage?
    4) Do I feel that there is no place in the World for me?
    5) Am I comfortable with being bitter and angry?
    6) If so, do I find such feelings a shield from the uncertainties and inevitable disappointments of life?

    Ponder these questions BM. Take your time. Read all posts on this website you find relevant. You may find the six questions I urge you to ask and answer inappropriate and unhelpful. Nevertheless their very presence on this thread may point you in the right direction. They will at the very least force you to address issues you had hitherto been unaware of.

    Good luck comrade!
     
    CAKCy, Bliss12 and brokenmillennial like this.
  5. InappropriateUsername

    InappropriateUsername Fapstronaut

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    You can always change—big and small. Stop the porn. Message or call a relative and just say hi. Don’t give up!
     
    brokenmillennial likes this.
  6. Imo being filled with hate isn't necessarily a bad thing if you know how and when to channel it. I would be an extremely bitter person if i didn't know where to direct such sentiments.

    Hating yourself will lead you nowhere unless you turn that hate into a passion to improve. In that case, it can lead you to levels you could never reach with positive reinforcement alone.

    Hating others is a less difficult thing to manage; direct it at those who deserve it and express it by distancing yourself from them or dealing severe and irreparable damage if they attempt to violate this rule.

    Hate can take you to unparalleled levels of power. Manage it well.
    You won't know until you start working on yourself.
     
  7. brokenmillennial

    brokenmillennial Fapstronaut

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    I have no doubt about that but this has proved elusive. Porn is one of my crutches and quitting it has proven to be extremely difficult. Just the other day I got in a fight with a family member, got super stressed out and spent the rest of the evening binging to try and escape from my pain.
     
  8. brokenmillennial

    brokenmillennial Fapstronaut

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    There's so much to say that I don't even know where to start. I just don't have the energy to post everything in one thread. I've been looking at porn for 20 years, since I was 11, and part of me hates my parents for not protecting me better from this garbage. By time I was 14 I was completely addicted and by time I was 16 I had full blown erectile dysfunction and had no idea why so I got to experience untold levels of psychological torture.

    I spent years wondering what was wrong with me, I could never find answers, even had a few doctors blow me off and call me crazy when I talked about my ED and it really hurt because it took a lot of bravery for me to bring that up, especially being so young. Couldn't find anything on the internet except stuff like "performance anxiety" and other old school explanations.

    I might have been able to tackle this sooner had I simply had some damn information. I spent years just thinking something was wrong with me when it was the porn the whole damn time....and it caused me to waste so much time and potential.
     
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  9. brokenmillennial

    brokenmillennial Fapstronaut

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    I've considered this and I've even dabbled in it but its proving a little difficult. I agree that hatred/negative energy can be harnessed for constructive purposes though.
     
  10. brokenmillennial

    brokenmillennial Fapstronaut

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    I wish I had someone in real life who I could talk to about this stuff but I don't have that luxury. I feel like I'm completely on my own and I fear that I don't have the strength to do what I need to do and it scares the hell out of me.
     
    Chris_Cactusblossom likes this.
  11. Mo1989

    Mo1989 Fapstronaut

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    I can relate but you should learn to love yourself and be thankful to everything you have. Never take things for granted and practice gratitude.
     
  12. Hate is a feeling that can be controlled, you just need to identify the trigger.

    If you know that the trigger is PMO, cut that shit out of your life, your brain will restore itself alone. Fullfill your time with good stuff*and you will be healed, and NO PMO NO MATTER WHAT.

    *Reading, tudying, physical exercise, spending timw with family, helping others with the same problem.

    Remember: Everyone has problems in their own lives.
     
  13. Mo1989

    Mo1989 Fapstronaut

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    PMO leads to nothing
     
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  14. brokenmillennial

    brokenmillennial Fapstronaut

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    That's just it, I don't really have anything to be grateful for. I've already pretty much lost everything, there's not a whole lot left for me to lose.
     
  15. brokenmillennial

    brokenmillennial Fapstronaut

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    The mental health system where I live is an absolute sham and I have no health insurance so I'm not going to have access to better therapists. I'm on a mood stabilizer for bipolar and diazepam for anxiety but I don't even feel that that diagnosis is accurate. I could have Borderline Personality Disorder or a host of other possible personality disorders, I'll likely never know. Whatever mental health issues I had before my porn addiction have been made vastly worse by my addiction and my other vices. I can barely function or hold a job, I'm a trainwreck with explosive anger.
     
  16. brokenmillennial

    brokenmillennial Fapstronaut

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    Every miserable aspect of my life triggers my anger. PMO aside, I live in poverty, my family life is shit, I can go on.
     
  17. Mo1989

    Mo1989 Fapstronaut

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    See the most visible thing you can be grateful for is your body that deserves to live. Don't loose it. Start making a list about things around you you want to keep and then a list about things you want to get rid of. Start working on those lists and you see visible progress.
     
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  18. Mo1989

    Mo1989 Fapstronaut

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    I second you.
    Some emotions are good, some are bad. Medicines just mess up the natural feelings to these emotions. Its important to figure out the real issues in life than to hide away from them. Facing the reality makes us brave and braveness don't fall to anger easily
     
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  19. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    Step 4 and 4 in SAA helped me overcome a lot of hate. I now have to manage it well and hate and jealous are a source of a lot of my negative emotions that I seek to soothe through porn.

    Reading spiritual literature with an open mind: Buddhism, dhammada, bagavadgita, New Testament 4 apostles, Rumi. They all show me how to love and help me live.
     
    Roady likes this.
  20. The thing with gratitude is, you have to change your way of thinking on a deep level. You're starting to process things by typing them here, and probably you want a once-and-for-all solution. I don't need to tell you that's not going to happen, even though the desire will probably always be around.

    A few things, going off your posts:

    - Keep posting, bit by bit, because it'll help you process things over time
    - You might be dealing with ADHD, which isn't just an inability to concentrate, it's like your soul doesn't respond to your conscious mind
    - You're clearly artistic, or creative, or expressive, because look at how your avatar and username use different modalities to express how you feel
    - It sounds like you're reaching rock bottom when you say, "I have nothing left to lose". Losing all hope may be a blessing. When everything is truly f*cked and you have nothing and are noone to anyone, it's funny that seeing each day as a gift from God is the only thing that makes sense. At least, this has been true in my case. An inability to experience gratitude probably comes from unconscious, unexposed beliefs that life's supposed to be a certain way, or that something has to be achieved or possessed in order to produce a feeling of gratitude in you, but this takes your God-give volition and consciousness out of the equation. It's materialist and nihilistic. The truth, which feels perverse at first, is that you have to actively search out reasons to feel grateful.

    Re. gratitude, I was thinking about this today. It's like panning for gold. The lazy, entitled nihilist will sit by the shore of the river, aware that there's gold in the world and that some people possess it, and will feel bitter that God hasn't given him any. The truth is that the river has gold and doesn't know it, and the people with gold either decided they wanted gold, rolled up their trouser legs, and waded into the river, or else forced a lot of other people to do it for them, according to temperament.

    There's obviously comfort in feeling hard done-by, and letting life bear us along in a gauzy haze of escapist, dopamine-seeking activity. But the alternative that always is, always has been, and always will be open to any and everybody is expressed in the parable of the prodigal son. It's hard work towards improvement and proving to yourself that right is right and better is better. The wages of right living are eternally open, and all you have to do is want them.

    Preachy rant there, as much to myself as anyone else.

    Point is, start breaking this massive, all-consuming void down into pieces, as you are doing via lots of small posts.

    I hope at least some of this is useful!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 22, 2020
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