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I'm getting so tired of this way of living

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Robert.G99, Jun 22, 2022.

  1. Robert.G99

    Robert.G99 Fapstronaut

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    I watched porn for 11 years now, every day, masturbated multiple times per day compulsively like I was a junkie. It didn't impact my life till I was 20. I realized that I never had a girlfriend and my only sexual experience was porn and masturbation. I wanted many times to ask girls out, but my low self-esteem build a huge wall between me and my decisions.

    Fast forward to 2021, till this year I watched only straight porn and I never, even once, questioned my sexuality. I liked sexually/romantically women since I was a 9/10. I had crushes only on girls and I never thought about boys (my age at the time) or men as partners.

    For some years I got quite ,,bored'' with normal/vanilla porn so I started to get into more f**ed-up genres. It started with incest, granny, stepmother, bestiality, hentai, comics, torture and even gore or snuff stuff. These types of porn worked for a while, but my brain craved more. So I got into trans porn for a while and then straight-up gay porn.

    This caused anxiety and a very depressive state of mind for months. I decided to accept the fact that I might be bisexual, but it didn't work at all. In reality, I only desire women, but with the types of porn that I watched I started to feel uncomfortable around men. This didn't happen before. I feel bad when and after I watch these types of porn, it's not like the normal things that I used to watch, it feels like I'm a slave to my own body. A body that craves the next big dopamine hit.


    It has been 1.5 years since all of this mess started and I feel like I'm giving up on myself. I wanted to date a college classmate of mine. A woman that I liked since I started college, but I can't get this doubt, fear, anxiety and depression related to this subject out of my head. I feel like I'm going crazy day by day. I can't have a normal relationship even though I want to. I feel so bad inside that for a while suicide started to be a good decision.

    Many times, when I look at a man I don't feel attraction, as with women, I feel a knot in my chest and I feel like my anxiety would give me a heart attack. I'm in denial? Maybe I was gay all along...I don't know. Maybe my attraction to women is fake. Even though I will never do anything with a dude in reality. My life is such a mess...
     
  2. PsychoMantis

    PsychoMantis New Fapstronaut

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  3. Coub

    Coub Fapstronaut

    Hi Robert,

    so first of all, good job recognising the problem.

    Let me present you view of the problem as an addict who's a bit more "experienced". I'm 7 years older.

    First of all I would recommend to look deep into your history, what exactly lend you to that devastating state:

    1. Was it only due to sexual tension you couldn't release other way?
    2. Did you have some other problems in your life which you wanted to hide and it was a mean of quick delivery of pleasure, maybe due to stress?

    Secondly, do not care about that trans, gay part you described. This is all normal for people addicted to Porn to escalate with their content... One thing though, it might extend ED problems, unfortunately.

    Thirdly, you have to take responsibility for your actions. Not tomorrow or next week, TODAY. This is not short or easy process. You will fail and get up. But you have to get up stronger. It will take months to heal. Your mood will be down due to no longer receiving that much of pleasure and your brain is used to receive it so it will crave it as it works for you and you liked it. This is a fight with you and only you.

    Hit me up on PM if you need some more advise for certain thing or whatever. Remember, we've all been there, you're not alone.
     
    Swift Escape and West Man like this.

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