I'm getting so tired of this way of living

I watched porn for 11 years now, every day, masturbated multiple times per day compulsively like I was a junkie. It didn't impact my life till I was 20. I realized that I never had a girlfriend and my only sexual experience was porn and masturbation. I wanted many times to ask girls out, but my low self-esteem build a huge wall between me and my decisions.

Fast forward to 2021, till this year I watched only straight porn and I never, even once, questioned my sexuality. I liked sexually/romantically women since I was a 9/10. I had crushes only on girls and I never thought about boys (my age at the time) or men as partners.

For some years I got quite ,,bored'' with normal/vanilla porn so I started to get into more f**ed-up genres. It started with incest, granny, stepmother, bestiality, hentai, comics, torture and even gore or snuff stuff. These types of porn worked for a while, but my brain craved more. So I got into trans porn for a while and then straight-up gay porn.

This caused anxiety and a very depressive state of mind for months. I decided to accept the fact that I might be bisexual, but it didn't work at all. In reality, I only desire women, but with the types of porn that I watched I started to feel uncomfortable around men. This didn't happen before. I feel bad when and after I watch these types of porn, it's not like the normal things that I used to watch, it feels like I'm a slave to my own body. A body that craves the next big dopamine hit.


It has been 1.5 years since all of this mess started and I feel like I'm giving up on myself. I wanted to date a college classmate of mine. A woman that I liked since I started college, but I can't get this doubt, fear, anxiety and depression related to this subject out of my head. I feel like I'm going crazy day by day. I can't have a normal relationship even though I want to. I feel so bad inside that for a while suicide started to be a good decision.

Many times, when I look at a man I don't feel attraction, as with women, I feel a knot in my chest and I feel like my anxiety would give me a heart attack. I'm in denial? Maybe I was gay all along...I don't know. Maybe my attraction to women is fake. Even though I will never do anything with a dude in reality. My life is such a mess...