I'm guilt-ridden and don't know how to forgive myself

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by TheMightyPenguin, Jan 5, 2019.

  1. TheMightyPenguin

    TheMightyPenguin Fapstronaut

    I've been at this for a year or so now. Over that length of time I've relapsed on countless occasions, been incredibly anxious, experienced episodes of brain fog, depression and more recently poor memory recollection, I've gone through phases of self doubt and actively struggled to treat my psyche and clean all the filthy images I put into it.

    This has taught me a lot and the experiences I've gone through as such have lent to better growth on my part. I'm more responsible and assertive with my actions, I'm remarkably more motivated and self disciplined than I ever guessed I would be, I've become more empathetic, I've recognized an interest In more hobbies than I thought of, I've learned more about self love among other things, but I digress.

    My addiction took a really bad turn during the time I was still addicted. It became something far more disgusting but I didn't recognize it as pretty much all my energy was spent on feeding the addiction opposed to getting rid of it and as such I never considered these people as humans. When porn didn't feel like it was enough for me, I turned to real life people and other everyday media outlets. I took actresses, fictional characters, people I knew and knew of and entertained sexual fantasies using my imagination or turn any circumstance into something that satisfied the addiction (even if it weren't sexual). As I said, since my energy was spent more on the addiction I didn't take responsibility to make significant actions against it, but let things run wild instead (and I wouldn't hate it if you thought me disgusting for it). It proved down the line how bad it was because I began to experience intrusive thoughts that stemmed from PMO.

    That's when I transfered my energy to actively rid PMO from my life, but despite the progress I've made ever since, my greatest problem is that I'm now riddled with guilt for the things I've done. Some of those people are people I still encounter on a daily basis. It's been 8 years of the addiction and sometimes I don't even know who's image I tainted or not.

    I want to forgive myself, but I don't know how. My best attempt would be to apologize to every single person I could think of, but that's impossible given the circumstances. It seems like the only meaningful way for me to forgive myself is to tell those people just how sorry I am, but it's very impossible and even if I could, I'm afraid it would outcast those people from my life. Whether it's constructive criticism or advice, all comments are welcomed.
    Optimum Fortitude and Colin75 like this.
  2. Pjco

    Pjco Fapstronaut

    Guilt itself I’ve found can be an awful trigger to relapse back to PMO. The idea of decreased sense of self worth and that we are not deserving of anything better than our fantasies/P. I’ve started working through the book Recovery by Russel Brand. He paints the twelve step model but into modernised and secular language. There are plenty of questions and reflections at the end of each chapter. Working through that and a couple of other books I’m reading (Out of the doghouse) has helped me immensely.
    TheMightyPenguin likes this.
  3. Uncomfortably Numb

    Uncomfortably Numb Fapstronaut

    You've taken responsibility but there's no need to apologise.
    Time to draw a line and move on.
    Use the site and its members to help you...
    Continued good luck
  4. Colin75

    Colin75 Fapstronaut

    Yes i fully agree with @Uncomfortably Numb. I hope you are well,Colin.

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