I'm having problems fuctioning sexually

Hey guys. I'm very new to this forum and seek some advice. I think I can post this here under this threat, because it does affect me not really fuctioning sexually. I'll try to stay on point, but with the mind being complex as it is, I will have to go a little bit out the window of this threat technically. Please try to understand. I don't mean anything bad or offensive - don't think I had to say this. Perhaps I get a good response and some help. This is my story.


I've been doing NoFap on and off for 2 years now. I've made the 90 days once and several long streaks, too. I allowed sex during these phases, anything, but masturbation or porn.

This is where I started. And I think I need advice.

Like many guys I started abusing porn very early (age 12) and used it almost daily for a decade, before I had my first real girlfriend. The sex with her was bad, even after a few months and so we broke up. I think porn has had an affect on me so much, that I couldn't connect on a human level with her and that translated into the bedroom.

Over the next years I had some affairs, one night stands or short term relationships, but never made it lasting longer than a few weeks. Very often I didn't get it up even and so my bad experiences stacked up.

1 year ago, when I started to take NoFap serious and managed to have longer streaks for the first time I got very good with the ladies and they liked me. I talked to them about it and had another real girlfriend last year for the first time since my first girlfriend. The sex was okay, since I lacked experience, but was not anything special. However my sexdrive was up the roof, so that I slept with her usually up to four times a night, when we met. I thought that was great and all, thought, that I gained experience, showed her that I find her attractive, showed my real interest in her. I also was trying to be a good boyfriend outside of the bedroom and worked hard to proof that. But after a few months she cheated on me, so that relationship was over ...again.

This year, after a few months of healing I started another streak, because I had had a relapse after the breakup. I'm still on that streak. I met a girl, who I like and shared with her, what I'm doing with NoFap and self growth and all. She is older than me and very understanding and kind. So this is where my problem begins:

This streak is one, where I'm almost completely asexual. I don't think about sex, I even came in my pants one night without a sex dream (or wet dream). Usually, when I come every now and then in my pants during a long NoFap streak I have a (good) sex dream around that. This time there's none of that.

For some reason my urge to want to come has dropped to zero. And it is there for almost two months now. And this girl is sitting there, waiting for me, wanting nothing more than to have sex with me, be intimate with me.

So the other night, we play around a little bit, trying out. We've done that over and over again to see, what I even like. I am so used to porn, that appareantly I've forgotten to really put myself in the sexual fantasy. The wiring of my brain is so absurdly used to being a porn watcher, that I feel like a complete virgin. (Now, the point is not, that there's some shame in being a virgin, but in having no idea, what I like to do.) Anyways, she was able to make me cum, and it was ...just okay...

I remember, when I break a long streak, usually, the intensity is up the roof. But this time it was like an afternoon nut, you know, just to get rid of it. So I'm starting to doubt, weather I'm even into this girl, weather I should pursue with her. Because I'm thinking that I need more time in this streak to get to a point, where I want to come.

On the other hand I'm thinking that I'm in need of severe, real intimacy. The one, that is non sexual based. And how tf it seems like that.

I feel like a kid, that hasn't discovered the sensation of an orgasm yet and just likes to hang out with this girl for the reason some boys hang out with girls, when they're super young kids. And that's great and all, but she want's not just that and I do have to take her desires into account aswell. But I also don't want to lose her.

So... What do I do? I feel like I'm stuck. I can't - for some reason - make myself become horny right now. (I know I'm not asexual, and even if, that would be fine.) I know, that this is a temporary state, but I don't know how long it's gonna last. I also feel like I don't really know how I personally like to have sex anymore.

Lots of insecurities right now. And I have people to talk to, but not this open. That's why I would like some comments ...anything. I've spoken to her about it aswell and she's - again - understanding and kind. But I can see her unfulfilled desire and it breaks my heart.

Also, while I'm at it. I wonder how I'm really supposed to just find intimacy so arousing, that my dick almost explodes. My dick can get really hard is what I'm saying, but during the last years it barely did get the full 100% hardness. Did I burn my brains out too much?

I mean, it gets hard enough for sex. But this insane arousal is what I'm missing for a while now. Sorry, if it got a little too specific and detailed.

I remember, when I was younger (am 32 now), that when I was aroused the thing was a rock. But slowly, and over years of porn abuse and bad relations with women, it got to a point, where I had to physically beat the shit out of it to be able to "bust a nut".

My diet is okay, I'm somewhat sporty, I do smoke and drink. I wouldn't think it is a physical problem, but a mental one. And I'm just discoverin the bottom of it.

Which is good!!! I know my journey through this is probably one, that many guys can connect with on at least some level. The whole relationship and trust thing is big here. Most guys fry their brain with porn and can't really connect with another human being anymore. That's why this forum exists.

I just think that 90 days or any statement like: "During day so and so you will experience this and that, and at day so and so this will happen."

I rather think these lists of what happens when are good guidelines, but it is very unique to your own problem how your recovery looks like. And I also don't think that after 90 days your healed. It's just a good rule of thumb to stop this sh*t for 90 days, so the hardest wires of your reward system are changed. But that's where the main work begins. That's when you gotta fix your issues at a normal hormone level, instead of a porn addicts one.

Okay, I've given some brief insight in my journey. I hope some guys can help, or some others profit in some way from this. I'll power through the NoFap regardless of what is going to happen. Perhaps some relationship advice would be great. Bye.

 

Okay thanks.
I've read up more on this platform since I joined.
I'm gonna try to follow your advice.

Cheers!

 

Thx for the feedback guys. Helps a lot.

I'm making NoFap my lifestyle. Quit porn for good. If I ever relapse, that's just a relapse, that's part of it.
I hope I'll fully recover to a point that I can get it up by just making out, or even thinking about something sexual. That would be my goal. I also want it to stay up easily, like it used to in my early twenties.
The intimacy in my relationships has gone through the roof, since I've started NoFap January 2020. It's like I'm another person. I'm interested in what my partner has to say and to offer. That was one of the first things I've noticed as part of the healing. Women look differently at me, since I treat them differently. I got laid way more, like waaay more. And most of the times the women somehow approached me or gave me obvious signs for me to pursue them.

But the good news aside. I'm still heavily affected by being physiologically changed in my brain. I can sense, that my reward circuit for normal sexual thought and behaviour is weak and needs time and commitment. I'm on day 60 at my current streak and still have to try hard to get it up and for it to stay up. The arousal in my head doesn't click yet.
My girl gives me tipps, which is funny somehow, on how to let go of fear and thought in the moment. And it helps. But still, I feel like I have to relearn just letting go and be passionate in the moment. It feels weird to me still.
I'll keep you guys posted. Maybe some dude can read that story later on and see that the process takes time and discipline.
The flatline is a beast. Some guys get over it faster, some slower. Especially, as Randombro said, when you're over 30 it is important to take care of yourself to keep the testosterone up. That's my current project. In my countries the gyms aren't open yet and I used to go there a lot. Lately I'm into running, because it helps me to try to quit smoking. But don't start me there, I know that habit sucks more than anything.

Anyways. I'm more than thankful for any reply. Maybe some dialogue. I'll check in on this side every now and then - have it in my bookmark.
Cya Chads

 

You're absolutely right. Sex does feel like a bureaucracy to me.
I can't just let go and fall in the moment. That's my main problem. That way I can't keep it up sometimes or lose it. I'm trying with my girlfriend and she tells me what to do sometimes, but that creates more anxiety.
I feel like I've hadn't had sex without ever having had a thought of porn from a few days before in my head. So now that porn is gone I got nothing in my head, which is good, right? But at the same time I can't just be in the moment. That's where I'm practicing: To just be.
Also I'm not aroused at all lately. Some times, when we're lying next to each other I get heat, but it took me a few times to find the courage to go for it. That worked one time great, but not always.
It's so difficult for me to not start thinking in the moment. Also sometimes, when she asks for a certain position or thing to do, I almost immediately lose it - like I can't keep up with the pressure.

Before you ask. We are having good conversations and I am liking her and feel like she likes me. But the sex as a bonding exercise is missing and at points I feel like that starts to come to the surface slowly. I can see her trying, but also having troubles with it and that makes me sick. I mean, at the end, since we're just dating for a short period of time, that might be the reason why we might not work. And yes, that terrifies me, too.

I wanna say also. I've had sex before and it worked fine. Such as last year, where I could do it four times in a row with my ex. (Short relationship). But the sex was mediocre at best, looking back at it. Even though it felt different compared to the years before NoFap.

Did I answer your question? I tried to.
Thx for the reply.

Cheers.

 

What do you mean "cliffnotes"?
The full story? Like how my 2 last years were? How it is different to before? Or what else?
I'd be happy to.

Cheers.

 

Yea, I don't enjoy sex at all at this time - That's a fair assessment.
When we get intimate I think about the fact, that I need to get erect. I think about how to touch her and what I think I might want to do "to her". You know, the position and the "mechanics" of certain positions. I kiss her a lot.
When I've got my eyes closed it is easier for me to just feel. It's like the visuals don't really connect in my brain. It's hard to describe.

I remember in my early twenties that just the looks made me hard for no reason. That is basically gone. That's one reason why I started NoFap.

When my girl moans or gives me signals I try to follow along, but in my head that irritates me a little bit.
I would describe it like this, even though it's disturbing: If I had sex with just her body that wouldn't make a sound, I'd have it easier. Does that make any sense?

So I don't know, if there are some more underlying trust issues and all - I've had some betrayal in my past. I'm talking about it to my girl and I'm in therapy. But my therapeut doesn't understand NoFap and it's issues that well, so I feel like seeking advice additionally here for that.

I feel like I need to break free of my thoughts and just act out loudly and embarrasingly, what is in me in the moment. But I'm a little intimitated by that idea and will try to "overact" the next time. That was my idea - outplaying my own ideas in bed - no matter how it looks like. It might just be super embarassing.
My girl told me also, that I don't take my time and that I'm too fastly going through it. I think that's this head thing, that I'm trying to just be able to have "succesful" sex, where I can finish.
I take my time to please her, you know, orally or with fingers. And that's good. But she wants the D, hehe.

Now this is one last remark, that is gonna be a little graphic, but matters, I think. Sometimes, when I'm inside her, I don't feel anything physically at my penis. She's tight and all, soft warm, etc... But it doesn't feel that great anymore. It's like I've been beating my dick for so many years with my hand very tightly, that "p*ssy" doesn't cut it anymore.
I hope this goes away with time and up comming arousal. But I don't know.

You got any advice or words to calm me down? Would be appreciated.

Cheers.

 

Damn, that's some solide truth.

"If you just wanna hang out with her to talk about whatever it coming onto your mind, then that's the thing you want."

That sentence has one fear for me. I think I do wanna talk to her more than having sex - at least for now. But at the same time, I like, that she's not sleeping with other men and in my head she's not a friend meaning: If I tell her I do only want the friendship and her to not go out with other men, but at the same time I don't want sex other than perhaps once a week. I feel like those boundaries are not fair, or some, where I might indeed drive her away.

So. Do I just tell her that and see what happens?
I can actually see myself doing that. Hoping she agrees. Maybe at some point my natural desire is comming back or anything.
I read, that you can try to make long and slow foreplay, where I really take my time to play and be. Is that an idea I should pursue? Seems interesting, if not anything else.


But yea. I heard ya. I think I need to rethink the relationship a little bit. Maybe I'm rushing things.
Thanks for that advice. I'm gonna be thinking about that for a bit.

Cheers.

 

Ths for the reply.

 

Btw. I've got some questions mate.
You're 40 and you are waiting for marriage with sex?
I mean, no offense, it's your lifestyle choice after all. But how long do you want to wait? Sex is beautiful and a sign of love. Now I get many of your points really and I don't want to "shame" you in any way for your behaviour. But if you are a virgin and have never opened up to a lady enough to be married to have sex - then I don't think you're really understanding my situation in this moment.
You idealizing women as this non- sexual being. I can tell you they like sex just as much as guys. And they want that from you. So my questions don't feel that naivé to me, if you come from another perspective towards sex. It's not that thing, that you figure out later, where you love your wife or husband and it just will be amazing. It takes liking each other, liking each others preferences, talking about it and working on it. Otherwise you'll end up getting cheated on or if not that, you'll be sexually unfullfilled. And while that might work for some the standart is, that women are sexually free these days. Unless you marry that super catholic, or muslem, house wify, you're gonna have a bad time finding that woman you're looking for.

This comes all off as me being aggressive towards you and I don't mean to be. If I were you I'd go out and live a little, that way you can attract or find a good partner. Waiting for a whole other year until you meet someone seems like an excuse to stay alone and not facing rejection.

I do have my fears and I'm working on them. That's why some of your points are good and I will take them 100% into account, but some others I find a little closed minded for my taste. Maybe I shouldn't be personal, if I was, I apologize.

Cheers, thanks for the advice!!!

Edit: I'm gonna follow you brother.

 

Hehe, looks like I misjudged you. I haven't read your story yet, but I see you're having a link for it.
Thought you're some superdefensive 40 year old virgin. And that's where I made the rest of my assumptions on.
Of course, now I know you've got our own path and I see that now. Apologies for jumping on my first thought there.

Yea. I'll get back to you. As a matter of fact, earlier my girl called me and we facetimed a bit. I even read a part of your comment. That one to be specific:
"...First I wonder why you are pushing yourself into this relationship.
It's clear you're not ready for such a thing.
Decide for yourself what you need now. Decide that for yourself, not for her.
Decide it and then set your boundaries.
If you just wanna hang out with her to talk about whatever it coming onto your mind, then that's the thing you want.
Tell her that. If she wants more, stick with your boundary. Let her go and first work on yourself. It can be very rest-giving to just work on yourself without a woman hanging around you wanting all kind of things.
..."

Because I couldn't agree more with that part. I wasn't aware that she's pulling too hard and I need space and a slower speed.
She agreed and understood. She asked, if she could continue calling me, when we don't see for a couple of days. I said: Sure, for now, that doesn't upset me, but I will have an eye on it and will "cry out", if it gets too much.
See, my family is not very talkative and we only call each other every few weeks or so. Meanwhile her family writes/calls her every single day, so she's used to that.
As for now, that talk helped a lot and gave me space and "pushed her back" a little.
Your post helped a lot with that.

So thx mate.
Cheers.