I'm here to WIN and here is My introduction

dfk6498

Fapstronaut
I'm sick and tired of porn ruining my life, my marriage and my brain. I have been hooked on porn since I was 14 years old. Met my first love when I was 17 and we got married right after I turned 20(June-02-12). After we got married I slowly started watching more and more porn. By 3 years of being married I would say I was watching porn/masterbating daily without my wife ever finding out. I've always been hooked on BDSM porn and after we got married I asked my wife if she wanted to try out having BDSM sex, we tried out bed bondage and she really enjoyed it. Slowly over time I started asking her to try out more and more bondage stuff( like things I would see online). Like different positions, device bondage, and Femdom (which she really wasn't into). She really started to lose interest in BDSM But I kept pushing.

In the mean time after we got married I can admit I really started to lose interest in her and her feelings. I became a complete jerk outside the bedroom and became extremely selfish, controlling and stoped listening to her. She would tell me she wasn't happy but I kept putting my issues off. I would even blame her for our problems. By 2018 I really started to realize that my porn usage was probably a big reason why I was treating her like an object and causing me not respect her and care for her. But I didn't even try to stop watching porn because I enjoyed it to much.

So on March-13th-18 she had enough and kicked my out of the house saying she is miserable and needed some space. I was crying and as I was walking out the door I told her about my porn usage. She was shocked and upset saying "I can't believe that after all these years I thought it was my fault for our marriage issues" and shut the door and I left crying my eyes out.

Two days later I found out she had been having an affair for the last 8 months and it really broke my heart. I confronted her about the affair and she said she loved this guy and and is leaning towards divorcing me. Since then her friends and family have convinced her to end the affair but she is still leaning towards a divorce. She has started seeing a counselor on her own and I have been seeing a separate counselor as well. She's currently not interested in counseling together. I have also been meeting with our pastor who has been meeting with her as well. Basically, our pastor told me that if I want to save the marriage I have to win her heart and trust again which will take a long time. We are living separately and she is willing to get together once a month and she is willing to text a little bit throughout the month.

I love my wife so much and I feel horrible for how I've treated her throughout our marriage and I want to save our marriage. However, I do realize I have to CHANGE and I want to CHANGE and become a better person not just for my wife but for myself.

So I'm quitting porn and masterbating (not just for my wife but for my well being). Since she kicked me out I've watched porn once and have masterbated several times. The last time I masterbated was 2 days ago. My best friend has just agreed to be my accountability partner and I have just installed convenient eyes on all my devices. I also have the support of my pastor and counselor.

I am fully committed and ready to go on this long hard journey and I would love to have peoples support and advice. Thanks!
 
I'm sick and tired of porn ruining my life, my marriage and my brain. I have been hooked on porn since I was 14 years old. Met my first love when I was 17 and we got married right after I turned 20(June-02-12). After we got married I slowly started watching more and more porn. By 3 years of being married I would say I was watching porn/masterbating daily without my wife ever finding out. I've always been hooked on BDSM porn and after we got married I asked my wife if she wanted to try out having BDSM sex, we tried out bed bondage and she really enjoyed it. Slowly over time I started asking her to try out more and more bondage stuff( like things I would see online). Like different positions, device bondage, and Femdom (which she really wasn't into). She really started to lose interest in BDSM But I kept pushing.

In the mean time after we got married I can admit I really started to lose interest in her and her feelings. I became a complete jerk outside the bedroom and became extremely selfish, controlling and stoped listening to her. She would tell me she wasn't happy but I kept putting my issues off. I would even blame her for our problems. By 2018 I really started to realize that my porn usage was probably a big reason why I was treating her like an object and causing me not respect her and care for her. But I didn't even try to stop watching porn because I enjoyed it to much.

So on March-13th-18 she had enough and kicked my out of the house saying she is miserable and needed some space. I was crying and as I was walking out the door I told her about my porn usage. She was shocked and upset saying "I can't believe that after all these years I thought it was my fault for our marriage issues" and shut the door and I left crying my eyes out.

Two days later I found out she had been having an affair for the last 8 months and it really broke my heart. I confronted her about the affair and she said she loved this guy and and is leaning towards divorcing me. Since then her friends and family have convinced her to end the affair but she is still leaning towards a divorce. She has started seeing a counselor on her own and I have been seeing a separate counselor as well. She's currently not interested in counseling together. I have also been meeting with our pastor who has been meeting with her as well. Basically, our pastor told me that if I want to save the marriage I have to win her heart and trust again which will take a long time. We are living separately and she is willing to get together once a month and she is willing to text a little bit throughout the month.

I love my wife so much and I feel horrible for how I've treated her throughout our marriage and I want to save our marriage. However, I do realize I have to CHANGE and I want to CHANGE and become a better person not just for my wife but for myself.

So I'm quitting porn and masterbating (not just for my wife but for my well being). Since she kicked me out I've watched porn once and have masterbated several times. The last time I masterbated was 2 days ago. My best friend has just agreed to be my accountability partner and I have just installed convenient eyes on all my devices. I also have the support of my pastor and counselor.

I am fully committed and ready to go on this long hard journey and I would love to have peoples support and advice. Thanks!
Hi. Welcome to forum!

Make sure you create a personal journal thread in Reboot Logs section and blog there on a regular basis. As well as just generally be active participant in various forum discussions. I recommend this to everybody new here because it's the major thing that helped me when I was first starting. Just lurking on forums, reading and learning is great. But it usually is so much more powerful to engage. It helps to keep us motivated and accountable when we are active part of community. And keeps this in front of our minds so we don't forget about importance of it and slip away in our old habits. Sharing is also therapeutic. This is a major reason why AA meetings work so good. But that was developed before internet era. These days we can get most of the same benefits online through communities like this. So don't underestimate the power of active participation.

I would also like to suggest you to look into mindfulness meditation. It has helped me personally tremendously to learn how to deal with urges and triggers. It takes a while to get good at it and notice results, so you need to be consistent with it, but once you do it's very powerful. It has been used by sages for thousands of years to deal with various issues of the mind. And in recent decades the science is also catching up to what ancient sages have know for centuries. Meditation these days are widely used as very effective tool by psychologists for treating addiction and by neurologists for supporting recovery of the brain after physical injury. Plus it is generally a great exercise for the brain the same way as jogging is great exercise for the body.

You gotta make sure it is proper mindfulness meditation though. "Mindfulness" meditation where we just focus on breath is more like a concentration meditation instead. It works too but differently and not as powerfully in my experience. Real mindfulness meditation however trains you to accept your urges by understanding the nature of them by observing them, not just suppress them by concentrating on something else instead. It makes you comfortable with them. And once you accept and become comfortable with them there is no need to get rid of them, so there is no need to PMO. Only reason why we PMO is because that urge, that itch in our crotch is uncomfortable, we wanna get rid of it. And then after PMO we have our release. Or we simply want pleasure. And inability to have that pleasure makes us uncomfortable. But if we accept that we can not have pleasure then resistance is gone and there is no reason to PMO.

Acceptance and mindfulness is the key. Check out this Ted talk on acceptance and mindfulness practice, it gives a good idea of what's it's about when it comes to philosophy. The mindfulness practice as described by psychologist in a the video can be used by itself but ideally should be used as supplementation to your daily sitting meditation. Sitting meditation I personally practice and recommend to people is as explained by meditation expert in this YouTube playlist. If you don't like the monk or want other method there is this awesome smartphone app called Headspace for guided meditations.

Wish you lot's of strength and success in your reboot journey!
 
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