I'm sick and tired of porn ruining my life, my marriage and my brain. I have been hooked on porn since I was 14 years old. Met my first love when I was 17 and we got married right after I turned 20(June-02-12). After we got married I slowly started watching more and more porn. By 3 years of being married I would say I was watching porn/masterbating daily without my wife ever finding out. I've always been hooked on BDSM porn and after we got married I asked my wife if she wanted to try out having BDSM sex, we tried out bed bondage and she really enjoyed it. Slowly over time I started asking her to try out more and more bondage stuff( like things I would see online). Like different positions, device bondage, and Femdom (which she really wasn't into). She really started to lose interest in BDSM But I kept pushing.
In the mean time after we got married I can admit I really started to lose interest in her and her feelings. I became a complete jerk outside the bedroom and became extremely selfish, controlling and stoped listening to her. She would tell me she wasn't happy but I kept putting my issues off. I would even blame her for our problems. By 2018 I really started to realize that my porn usage was probably a big reason why I was treating her like an object and causing me not respect her and care for her. But I didn't even try to stop watching porn because I enjoyed it to much.
So on March-13th-18 she had enough and kicked my out of the house saying she is miserable and needed some space. I was crying and as I was walking out the door I told her about my porn usage. She was shocked and upset saying "I can't believe that after all these years I thought it was my fault for our marriage issues" and shut the door and I left crying my eyes out.
Two days later I found out she had been having an affair for the last 8 months and it really broke my heart. I confronted her about the affair and she said she loved this guy and and is leaning towards divorcing me. Since then her friends and family have convinced her to end the affair but she is still leaning towards a divorce. She has started seeing a counselor on her own and I have been seeing a separate counselor as well. She's currently not interested in counseling together. I have also been meeting with our pastor who has been meeting with her as well. Basically, our pastor told me that if I want to save the marriage I have to win her heart and trust again which will take a long time. We are living separately and she is willing to get together once a month and she is willing to text a little bit throughout the month.
I love my wife so much and I feel horrible for how I've treated her throughout our marriage and I want to save our marriage. However, I do realize I have to CHANGE and I want to CHANGE and become a better person not just for my wife but for myself.
So I'm quitting porn and masterbating (not just for my wife but for my well being). Since she kicked me out I've watched porn once and have masterbated several times. The last time I masterbated was 2 days ago. My best friend has just agreed to be my accountability partner and I have just installed convenient eyes on all my devices. I also have the support of my pastor and counselor.
I am fully committed and ready to go on this long hard journey and I would love to have peoples support and advice. Thanks!
In the mean time after we got married I can admit I really started to lose interest in her and her feelings. I became a complete jerk outside the bedroom and became extremely selfish, controlling and stoped listening to her. She would tell me she wasn't happy but I kept putting my issues off. I would even blame her for our problems. By 2018 I really started to realize that my porn usage was probably a big reason why I was treating her like an object and causing me not respect her and care for her. But I didn't even try to stop watching porn because I enjoyed it to much.
So on March-13th-18 she had enough and kicked my out of the house saying she is miserable and needed some space. I was crying and as I was walking out the door I told her about my porn usage. She was shocked and upset saying "I can't believe that after all these years I thought it was my fault for our marriage issues" and shut the door and I left crying my eyes out.
Two days later I found out she had been having an affair for the last 8 months and it really broke my heart. I confronted her about the affair and she said she loved this guy and and is leaning towards divorcing me. Since then her friends and family have convinced her to end the affair but she is still leaning towards a divorce. She has started seeing a counselor on her own and I have been seeing a separate counselor as well. She's currently not interested in counseling together. I have also been meeting with our pastor who has been meeting with her as well. Basically, our pastor told me that if I want to save the marriage I have to win her heart and trust again which will take a long time. We are living separately and she is willing to get together once a month and she is willing to text a little bit throughout the month.
I love my wife so much and I feel horrible for how I've treated her throughout our marriage and I want to save our marriage. However, I do realize I have to CHANGE and I want to CHANGE and become a better person not just for my wife but for myself.
So I'm quitting porn and masterbating (not just for my wife but for my well being). Since she kicked me out I've watched porn once and have masterbated several times. The last time I masterbated was 2 days ago. My best friend has just agreed to be my accountability partner and I have just installed convenient eyes on all my devices. I also have the support of my pastor and counselor.
I am fully committed and ready to go on this long hard journey and I would love to have peoples support and advice. Thanks!