I'm learning lots!

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Chefb87, Jan 30, 2021.

  1. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    Evening everyone !
    I've been going through a tough , challenging time in my love life. But I've been realizing some amazing things I have never understood before.
    1) in every relationship I've been in. I always felt I could never be me 100%. I thought I could never tell this person about my past addiction and experiences. So I would be in a relationship with someone while just pretending to be someone I thought they wanted me to be. Recently, I've told someone I have feelings for literally everything about my past addiction (porn, drugs , escorts ) and everything I did that destroyed my ex fiance. I was nervous as hell telling her. But it's been a crazy realization.... She didn't judge me , or ran away. She accepted me still. And in fact me telling her all this stuff and showing her my vulnerability really sparked a huge connection between us that has grown very intensly. This has been the first time I let someone I was interested in the see the real me , 100% me.
    So I've learned...
    VULNERABILITY= INTIMACY/CONNECTION

    2) another thing I think I realized. Being honest to your loved one .. can be hard, especially if it may hurt the other person or make them uncomfortable. But these are the times you need to be courageous and just be honest with that person. Never ever allow that wall of secrecy build in between you and your loved one. Also I learned... Sometimes even though one person was courageous enough to be honest ... It sometimes falls on deaf or defensive ears. Two people need to create that safety bubble around each other. And safety around each other's feelings so each person feels safe about letting the other know how they feel or whether they are hurt etc. If that person knows telling their loved one how much they are feeling unloved , or is unhappy is going to create a huge defensive fight. Then this person isn't going to feel safe about being honest about that the next time. It's in these moments where you have to create that safety. And really listen to what the other person is saying and feeling. Even if it is upsetting it hurts. The fact that they are being honest even though it's hard is a GOOD thing.

    Thanks for reading. I'm over 650 days in recovery. And I feel like I learn something new about myself or others each day.
     
  2. Slimjimjones

    Slimjimjones Fapstronaut

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    Congrats man! Just be careful not to let yourself get to hurt from being vulnerable. Don't be too vulnerable but it's still necessary:)
     
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  3. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    @Chefb87
    1- A really bad move from your part. This is going to bite your ass in the future with her. She can connect with you more if you open to her.. but at the same time showing her that kind of weakness is going to turn her off sexualy with you.
    2- It's totally fine to be honest with your SO but is not to hurt the other person or make them feel unconfortable. Woman are emotional been, they associate what they feel when they are with you, with you.. so if she feels unconfortable and hurt then she is not going to want to be with you.

    Open up to her and tell her all your weakness and make her feel unconfortable and hurt and it's a fact that she is going to put you in the friendzone and go and date the guy that is strong, have no weakness and make her laugh and have a good time everytime they see each other.
     
  4. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    I agree with you @Chefb87 you did great! Way to man up. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't know everything about me. Even my recent history. Now I realize that that's going to eliminate the women who count themselves as too good for a man who shows weakness, which I don't want to be with her anyways because I don't want to have to pretend that I'm something I'm not the rest of my life. Let the women who want "perfect" men who hide their past, and will eventually be hurt by their lies go be with those men instead.

    This is also a two way street. One of the girls who likes me, who knows my struggle with porn, she's just so emotionally unavailable I can't get into her. That's one of the things I've realized one of the things I adore in women is those who will open up even the shameful sides of themselves and I am turned off by the ones pretending they're perfect. I'm a quality time guy and so maybe that's part of it.

    I would clarify this, I actually ran this idea by my sister and she thought it's better to at least show the good side of you first. Go on 4-5 dates first and at least be thinking about marrying her before telling her. (I'm coming from the idea of sex with this woman after marriage)
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2021
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  5. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely!! I plan on staying away from sex with a woman until it feels right. And I plan on letting them in on my last before that happens. They deserve to know before that step is Taken
     
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  6. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    Honestly I appreciate your reply ! But I disagree. I've seen first hand that by telling someone everything ( literally everything) it opens up the potential for amazing connection). I don't consider this a weakness, I consider this a strength. Everyone has shit in their life. It takes alot of courage to allow someone in in that way.

    *I don't think every woman I may date needs to know this. I definitely need to be careful with who I choose to tell. *
    .
     
  7. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    As I said, I agree with this one too. It really helps to connect with other person.

    Maybe for you is a strength... maybe she will be glad that you did it and make you both connect even better... but for woman nature is a weakness when it comes to sexual attraction. She is going to be narurally attracted to a strong man that have his shit together, if you open up to her that you have a lot of bad shit going on is going to turn her off sexually speaking.

    No they don't, the fact that you have shit in your life it doens't mean everybody else have shit too. I'm, as an example, have a little shit a few years ago but I worked hard and now I can tell you without a doubt that I have my shit together.

    If you got some shit going on in your life work on it to get ride of it. Keep it to yourself, maybe to your friends and family... but avoid to tell it to the woman you want to attract, it is really a turn off for woman.
     
  8. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Because obviously it would be much more of a turn on for her to find out on her own a year into the relationship.

    I think this is awesome that you have been so upfront. Really, you are giving her all the information she needs to decide for herself if she wants a relationship with you and your baggage. After all, this isn't just about you.

    Good luck on your journey man!
     
  9. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I'm not sure where you read this or saw this, but it isnt an accurate reflection of all women. Please don't speak for women, especially in the form of generalization because what may be true for one is not true for all. Most women see vulnerability as a strength and that in itself, becomes a turn on due to the closeness and openess they feel with their partners. If a woman is turned off by this, chances are it is because she is not interested in who you are as a person in general, and could care less about your internal nature of being. It would be an unhealthy relationship in general if that is the case.
     
  10. used19

    used19 Fapstronaut

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    There are many women, myself included, who find men who are closed off with very little emotional range beyond happy or angry to be completely unattractive and weak. We find them to be bad lovers, do not want them to father children, and quite frankly the "strong, tough" man gives us pause to make sure we aren't alone with these kinds of men, cause you know that thing called rape. The only women I know personally who appear to be into those kind of men have grown up in very conservative homes led by very manipulative men. And most of them have eventually ended up cheated on or abused in some way.
     
  11. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah we do all have shit. Including yourself. You may feel healthy now and have no shit in the present . But you have a past , or else you wouldn't be in this forum.
    The most important thing for me is to be able to be 100% myself for the first time in my life.. to not pretend I'm someone else just to attract some woman. To be 100% honest about who I am. And what I've been through. No secrets.. no walls. I believe this will create such a deep deep connection to the right person. Obviously some people may not understand them. And some may run away. And I wouldn't blame them. They deserve to make up their own mind whether they want to be with me or not after hearing everything about me . I'm not afraid of this.
    I know you and I have very different opinions. And that's ok!
     
  12. TheForsakeen

    TheForsakeen Fapstronaut

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    when life give me shit, i make lemonade, scratch that i make life take that shit back, who do she think she is dealing with?
     
  13. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    No we don't.. i'm here because l love self improvement and semen retention is making my life even better, also I like to help people that are in the same path that I was years ago.
    Again.. the fact that you have shit don't make everybody else full of shit. That's what you tell yourself to accept the fact that you have shit and be confortable with it, people that go for what they want work on themself and get ride of it. Keep making excuses for your shit and that shit is going to be always there with you.
    Instead of looking for someone that eat your shit why don't you get ride of it with work and start a relationship with a person and offer them your happines instead of shit?
     
  14. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    You fail to see where I'm coming from. But it's ok!
     

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