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I'm like a broken man behind a farting camel

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by ronswanson, Aug 6, 2015.

  1. ronswanson

    ronswanson Fapstronaut

    527
    1,170
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    "Learn to recognize the counterfeit coins
    That may buy you just a moment of pleasure,
    But then drag you for days
    Like a broken man
    Behind a farting camel"
    Hafiz

    I'm so excited to have found this community of people who, like me, are struggling with this.

    My PMO addiction was my way of dealing with my mother's attempted suicide when I was 15. She then overcame her depression for many years, and I thought I was handling that trauma well, but actually I was using PMO as a way of avoiding dealing with the hurt I was feeling. I engaged in risky behaviour and my pornographic tastes became more extreme. About three years ago, my fiance left me because I couldn't control my PMO addiction.

    About 18 months ago I got into a new relationship with a beautiful, supportive, woman who understands what I am going through. But I still struggled with PMO, and though I was mostly honest about it, I still often tried to hide it, even though she was trying to support me. Because addiction and denial and secrecy are a disastrous mix. This caused us some difficulty. I relapsed many times. Finally, on 30th May this year, I had enough. I decided to take action and I found a book called The Porn Trap by Wendy and Larry Maltz. I've been reading it off and on ever since. It is brilliant, and has had a transformative effect on my thinking.

    However, a couple of days later my mother, who had been struggling from depression again, succeeded in taking her own life. I don't want to go into it at length but it has been awful. Just... awful. And what breaks my heart most is that it could have been avoided. I'm going to miss her every day for the rest of my life.

    When I gave the eulogy at her funeral, I quoted a song by the Eels, called PS You Rock My World:

    "I was at a funeral the day I realized
    I wanted to spend my life with you
    Sitting down on the steps at the old post office
    The flag was flying at half mast
    And I was thinking 'bout how
    Everyone is dying
    And maybe it is time to live

    Laying in bed tonight I was thinking
    And listening to all the dogs
    And the sirens and the shots
    And how a careful man tries
    To dodge the bullets
    While a happy man takes a walk

    And maybe it is time to live
    You know what, readers? Like you, I want to live. Like you, I don't want to be controlled by this addiction any more. Like you, I want to have be in a healthy relationship.

    I don't want to lose this relationship with this incredible woman whom I love, like I fucked up my previous relationship. Most of all, I don't want to fail to turn my life around, like my mother did.

    The book has helped. I recommend it. But I have still relapsed (mainly because I haven't yet got into a routine of reading the book every day, and especially I'm feeling vulnerable to PMO). The day before yesterday I relapsed badly, three times in a day. Then yesterday, I found this site. I read it. I downloaded the app. I read your stories. And I wept.

    I'm going to be here, on this site, for the rest of my life. And I'm going to live that life. You're going to help me. And when I can, I'm going to help you. Because the thing that made me weep yesterday was a fellow fapstronaut, who wrote:

    Fall down. Get up.
    Fall down. Get up.
    Fall down. Get up.
    Fall down. Get up. Stay up. Help others.
     
    Blondewife and HippyMinstrel like this.
  2. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    3,038
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    Welcome!

    Gosh, I am SO sorry for the loss of your mother. I hope I can help you, if only in a small way. I'll be glad to help, and to accept YOUR help, thanks! That is what this site is about.

    This isn't easy, but it's doable. It's a fight. It's a tough path. But lots of us are making progress. You can too.

    Let folks know if you need something.
     
  3. Ninjacan

    Ninjacan Fapstronaut

    61
    33
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    That sucks man :/ sorry to here that. Good for you for keeping positive, and good on you for continuing to work on yourself. I'm just a newbie here too, but welcome :)
     
  4. *Hug* You're in the right place, iamfapstronaut. Let your grief and your love be your power. If you need anything, just contact me.
     

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