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I'm lonely... I need friends.

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by ScottHumphreys, Feb 25, 2020.

  1. ScottHumphreys

    ScottHumphreys New Fapstronaut

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    This is a difficult one to admit. I feel as though I should be happy by myself and in front of people. I say I have plenty of friends, but I'm pretty lonely.
     
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  2. kaylee time

    kaylee time Fapstronaut

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    I can completely understand that. I always told myself and everyone that I am fine on my own. That I don’t need to have people. And for the most part I have genuinely enjoyed my own presence. I’ve cut toxic people out of my life over the years. But it has also left me with no friends. I’ve make some friends here and there the last year or so. And I’m working on building friendships with the few people. Just social interaction. Even though I crave deeper friendships, I’m not going to force them. And I don’t know that the people I currently know will ever become really deep friends. But I try and go out to dinner with them. Do things here and there. Social interaction in general is good for me. I don’t think we were made to be alone. I think that we should learn to accept and love ourselves instead. And not rely on other people to make us happy. However I find it hard playing uno alone so I think having friends is good. But it is tricky. I’m still very much working on it
     
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  3. That word "should" is an unhelpful word. There is no "should" or "should not". There only is or isn't.

    That word messed me up for many, many years, as it has done countless others.

    You aren't happy by yourself or in front of people — presumably some of the time, not 100% of the time. That's the reality, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Loneliness has been recognised as a serious issue in today's fragmented world, and has even been described as an epidemic. You aren't alone in your loneliness :)

    Take a fresh piece of paper and write down:
    • Everything that you are good at. It doesn't matter how small — it could be making bread or teaching maths or playing badminton. Everything.
    • Everything that you love doing, even if you aren't good at. Again, it doesn't matter how small.
    Now start looking around at what might offer some of those activities with other people. For example, I love to relax, so I joined a local meditation group, and I have met some of the most wonderful people whose company I enjoy.

    You can beat loneliness, but you must start with being happy in yourself. So, the other thing that you must do is to look at that paper again and figure out what is, or could be, your passion. You might not yet know what your passion is, and that's OK, one day you will, or you might already know, and that's also good. You might have more than one passion, and that too is OK. Start working towards your passion or what you think that your passion might be. When you have goals, when you are driven and excited about your goals, you become the sort of person that other people want to have around (as long as you are positive, tolerant and non-judgemental).

    Good luck!
     
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  4. SirWanksalot

    SirWanksalot Fapstronaut

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    I think that's really a good place to be while building this. Accepting the situation as part of the process and not obsessively pushing it. Which pushes people away anyway and also isn't healthy for yourself either.

    I isolated myself for a long time and learned to be really OK with being all by myself and I do think that is a good thing. By now I also think that it's OK to want to have people around. It's a genuine desire and need I have and why repress it? I think this dynamic of being alone/wanting to feel connected/accepted with other people only becomes unhealthy if you obsess about it one way or another.
    Either guarding your isolation like a lion and putting it on a pedestal or bending yourself into a pretzel only to appease someone so they stay around for example.

    And I also think I isolated for a long time because I was unable to handle the pain of opening up and potentially being rejected and NOT being able to feel connected. So I isolated myself excessively "to be safe".

    My suggestion would be to accept your totally natural and human desire and need for connection. I mean, humans are really weird creatures that want opposing things all the time anyway lol. I totally want to be self-reliant, independent and be able to take care of myself all the way. And at the same time I want to feel connected, accepted and like I can trust someone enough to just let my guard down and even have them take care of me sometimes when I am down.
    That sounds like a balancing act that will never be solved forever. Just one day your desire for A is stronger than B and on another day it's the other way around.

    maybe it's simply time for a change of scene for you and you are moving from lonely, cold winter (which is sometimes necessary and even can be healing) into the next season of building AUTHENTIC connections and opening up in spring time.
    I'm stressing AUTHENTIC here as my problem for a time was that I also had people around me while still feeling lonely. One of my problems was that I had no idea how to express myself authentically around them (took me a while to figure out that this was a problem to begin with as I always considered myself an authentic person lol) so that I would actually feel like I was in an authentic connection. Instead I would engage in all kinds of avoidant and distorting behavior consciously and unconsciously which still "kept me safe" if you know what I mean.
    Don't know if you are in a similar situation but maybe my experience helps you put some perspective on whatever situation you are in.

    The pain of loneliness is totally understandable and only shows you that you value deep and authentic connection. Otherwise, why would loneliness hurt so much if you didn't care?
    So why not set out towards building deep and authentic connections?




     
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  5. WanderTruth

    WanderTruth Fapstronaut

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    Well said. I cant agree more. Maintain social relationships, but should not have high expectations. I knew it, i lost friends because i pushed them too much to be the 'perfect' friends i craved :(. Now i know i am not alone in this (my not-so-close friends always think why i need to have many 'deep' conversations, they just want to chat about little things... Sorry too much about me :)) have a nice day btw.
     
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  6. WanderTruth

    WanderTruth Fapstronaut

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    Impressive speech! I wish i coud give you ten likes :))
     
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  7. WanderTruth

    WanderTruth Fapstronaut

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    First, this is a bad advice. But i think we should all invest in ourselves first. Then 'friends' will follow, literally. Maybe many of them are not true friends at all. But for the sake of probability, 1 in 10 or 1 in 100 we would find what we are looking for. And if there is none. You gain yourself. (I say this because i stopped looking for friends, the right people will come at the right time)
     
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