I'm new here, I want to change, please help

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by knowlg2, Aug 18, 2015.

  1. knowlg2

    knowlg2 Fapstronaut

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    I'm really glad to have found this community, and I look forward to all the inspiration and encouragement that I see you've shared with other recovering addicts.

    I have been living with porn my whole life, as a young boy Playboy was always laying on the table, then when I got older it was late night pornos and VCR tapes I could have time for while the house was empty. I've just always done this and it's always felt fine, maybe once a year I would stop myself and ask why I was doing this, but the feeling was fast and faded within minutes. I would save up tons of internet porn, then delete it, but would find myself relapsing in days. Even having children, I told myself I needed to stop, but I haven't shown any improvement at all in 7 years since my first child was born.

    I'm 32 and have been living most of my life this way. It ends today. I am done with this. I have to get better before it costs me everything I hold dear; my family, my career, my life. I have cleaned all the porn from my computer. I am seeking out information. I have admitted not just to myself, but to my spouse, my problems. She is still processing it, she feels like I've cheated on her, and I'm not sure I disagree. At the very least I've lived a lie since before I met her. I imagine the pain I've caused her in revealing it is tremendous. I'm not sure where we are going to end up. But even if it goes poorly, I want to get better for me. I want to be done with this. I don't want to stare at the clock waiting for people to leave my house, or others to go to sleep, or wait for everyone at work to go home so I can get my fix. I'm sick of being pathetic, and I want it to end.

    I'm knowlg2 and I want to be a recovering pornography addict. Thank you for providing me an outlet to at least have a chance to make it.
     
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2015
  2. keepingon29

    keepingon29 Fapstronaut

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    wow Knowlg2 thanks for sharing that. I can hear your pain runs deep. Welcome to nofap. I can tell you know your journey is only beginning and it may get worse before it gets better but you've taken a step in the right direction and thats something to be proud of. You need support, knowledge and tools to beat this addiction. If you need an accountability partner I can also help you - just pm me your number.
    I recommend reading a lot on the subject and watching as many videos as you can find ill post some for you in a minute
     
  3. keepingon29

    keepingon29 Fapstronaut

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    - This is BRILLIANT

    - essential to your understanding

    - something that addresses the deeper issues here.

    good luck pal,
     
  4. knowlg2

    knowlg2 Fapstronaut

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    thank you friend, I look forward to watching these videos. And I appreciate the kind words. I hope I've already hit my bottom, my wife 'caught' me because I got sloppy with copy and pasting search terms for pornography - all I could say was 'I don't know' and walk away. I wasn't even mad, or embarrased. I deleted everything I've ever owned, began writing a confession to my spouse and searched out help and advice online. I always went out of my way to be careful with pornography; hiding it in folders, renaming files, browsing privately, choosing strategic times to watch it - if I put that much effort into other things in my life like being a great father or improving my relationships with others the sky would literally be the limit. In a way, I am really glad to be caught. I need to own what I've done, suffer the consequences and move on in a positive direction. Thank you again.
     
    wanna be free and mikepian like this.
  5. mikepian

    mikepian Fapstronaut

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    You got it, buddy! Glad you're here. We support each other with ideas, strategies, understanding, and, yes, sometimes challenges.

    While the pain of this addiction and relapses is uniquely yours, I'd be confident to say that there's nothing in your story that guys here have not also faced. As you may have seen, we are all ages, faiths or no faith, worldwide, married or single, etc. We hold in common our manhood and our often fragile hold on abstinence or purity.

    Some suggestions of things I've found helpful in getting/staying clean:

    1. Take some time and write down reasons why you want to be free of PMO. Review these often.

    2. Fill in the blanks: As a Man who no longer PMOs,
    I will be....
    I will feel....
    I will be able to....
    My wife/children will say that I....
    People will see that I....

    All the above are your motivators.

    3. Exercise hard daily, make yourself sweat. You might have to get up earlier....

    4. Cold showers! They may suck at first, but they're great for reducing your lust and clearing your head.

    5. Go to bed when your wife does. Do not be the last one up at night.

    6. No cell phone or tablet, etc. in private places, like the bathroom. Also use effective porn blockers--have your wife set and keep the passwords.

    7. If at all possible, don't be alone in the house. Should that happen, you can get out, jog, visit a friend, do a house chore, fix a meal, come on here at nofap.com, etc.

    8. You will always see cute girls/women--mall, beach, on "innocent" movies, tv, internet, etc. Even though not porn, they sure can be triggers. You can't Prevent porny thoughts and urges, but we all know you definitely can Control them. So, no fantasizing over real time triggers, or over whatever your memory or imagination brings up.

    9. "Hard core" is going for a period of time with no orgasm at all (wet dreams excluded). You would have to discuss this first with your wife. Some guys go hard mode because they have found that orgasms with their wives during their recovery period (streak) can have a "chaser effect"--make them want to give themselves additional Os.

    10. Many (most?) guys here pursue noPMO--no looking at porn, or even peeking; no masturbation to the point of ejaculating. Lots also find that P substitutes (like girls in bathing suits, cheerleaders, etc) are often triggers too, and they include them along with P. Same goes for edging. Most exclude it, for obvious reasons.

    11. When I finally stopped MOing, I started getting wet dreams. They might happen for you, too. BUT, they do not break your clean streak or set you back in any way. Just don't fantasize over them the next a.m.

    12. I suggest that you set up your counter and describe your goal for a certain length of time. You might start with a brief streak, such as 3 or 7 days. Achieve your goal, give yourself a little reward, then go for more. One day at a time, even one hour, if necessary!

    As you have found, buddy, this is a crushingly difficult fight. We experience a real mix of emotions, all jumbled together--nervous, scared, discouraged, peaceful and calm, joy, freedom, and near-despair. We gotta stay strong and push on. There will come a time, after you have had some long streaks, that you will see that it gets a little "easier"--because you are building up a solid habit of being clean. But the fight never ends, because the temptations and triggers don't either. Remain vigilant.

    Post here often, man. Read the journals and forums, such as ages 30-39, or Successes.

    If I can help, please PM me on my profile or reply here.

    Peace, big bro. Mike
     
    wanna be free, lyad3618 and StarKing like this.
  6. Support you all the way, man! If I go 3 days with MO-ing at least, it's a miracle. Hoping a support group of guys going through the same struggle will help put this behind me for good.
     
    country and mikepian like this.
  7. mikepian

    mikepian Fapstronaut

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    Oh yeah. . . you're one of us now, brother.
    We leave no Man behind.
    No P for 3 days: go get it!
    Peace. Mike
     
    Fordfanboy2010 likes this.
  8. country

    country Fapstronaut

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    Right therr with you bud
     
    Fordfanboy2010 likes this.
  9. Neverquit88

    Neverquit88 Fapstronaut

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  10. StarKing

    StarKing Guest

    You already are a recovering porn addict. you have made the decision to stop. that is where all NoFappers start man. Now comes the challenge of incorporating into your life the strategies needed to eradicate your addiction. you will need to be hyper vigilant every morning , day and evening. After time it gets easier. i cannot give you specific ideas to use against PMO as every one is different, but as you have already deleted your digital porn stash, then it sounds like you are someone who can create your own strategies and use them. A winning combo. Search this forum for ideas you can use. I found i needed to substitute my PMO behaviour with other more constructive behaviors like exercise, working more and study.
    your wife needs to understand your desire to stop watching is real, and to know that this addiction of yours is akin to a substance addiction like heroin... you are going to need all the help and support you can get from.Because at the end of the day you both will benefit from your challenge.

    remember to keep your mind on your desire to stop, through both the good times and the challenging...as this is the driving force
    CK
     
    mikepian likes this.
  11. knowlg2

    knowlg2 Fapstronaut

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    Powerful words ChundaKing. I know my wife will eventually support me but I've done so many things to make her think I won't follow through on this. I've never cheated on her, not once, not even thought about it. Never kissed another girl, held her hand, thought about them in a way that resembles infidelity. Never proposed infidelity with another, never had it proposed to me. But I do things that would certainly give the impression I was, like the porn watching, the secrecy about everything, the amount I travel for work, the way I am able to lie about day-to-day stuff to people without even batting an eye. I signed into one of the recently hacked sites last year to see if I knew anyone there (I live in a small town), not because I wanted to cheat, I was just genuinely interested in seeing if I knew anyone, the same way I creep people from my town on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. I didn't see anyone, so I deleted the account. Now I can only imagine what's going to come out of that....
     
  12. lyad3618

    lyad3618 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome aboard Knowlg2. I share your circumstances. I have lived with porn all my life (I am 55 years old) and had not truly learned how porn had impacted my life and of those
    close to me until recently, when I discovered the impact this affliction has on the brain. When my wife discovered what I was up to she felt cheated, felt that all the years she has
    spent at my side (26) have been a waste of her life's most precious years, and I don't blame her in spite of the fact that I have been a good husband and father. The fact of the matter
    is, YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this fight. Take it one day at a time, but not just on sheer will because that will not last. Check out http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/ as a resource on
    porn addiction. It provides very valuable information that will give you HOPE that this affliction of the mind can be beat.

    God's speed.
     
  13. knowlg2

    knowlg2 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you lyad3618, I appreciate the comments and the site suggestion. It is refreshing and inspiring to know ever without my partner at my side that I am not alone....
     
    country likes this.
  14. country

    country Fapstronaut

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    I have never really had a successful relationship. I push them all away afraid I'll wind up hurting them in the end and feel like I don't deserve to be happy. So I always turned to porn. I'm on day three now and today was a rough one but I made it. just wanted to say good luck man.
     
    Fordfanboy2010 likes this.
  15. knowlg2

    knowlg2 Fapstronaut

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    I know it doesn't mean much, but the beauty of relationships is they build us as people country. Sometimes being hurt by someone you love makes you stronger. Being in a poor relationship can open the door to a great relationship, because you've learned mistakes or seen things about yourself and another person you want to change the next go around. I hope you can find a great relationship and overcome the need to push them away; in the end, it's up to them whether they want to be there - relationships are about how you both can work together to make it function. Work on what you can do to bring yourself into the relationship instead of how you can push someone out and I think you'll find so much more to be gained. Just my two thoughts...

    I appreciate the good luck, thanks for the inspiration to fight on friend :)
     
    country likes this.
  16. country

    country Fapstronaut

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  17. NotJoshua

    NotJoshua Fapstronaut

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    country likes this.
  18. Same here, country. I've never had a serious relationship, either. The one relationship I've had, if you could even call it that, was back it high school. It was incredibly short-lived because I broke things off before it could even start get serious. I got too scared. I have a history of turning to food and porn as an escape, and I was horribly insecure due to being overweight. I was over-weight for about 15 or 16 years and found myself unattractive, so I assumed no woman could find me attractive either. I psyched myself out of even talking to girls. But anyway, I went on a diet and started running 2 years ago and lost 60 lbs. I'm in descent shape now and have been wanting to start a relationship, but I can't seem to find a woman I'm interested in dating who isn't already in a relationship. It's like all the good ones are taken. Maybe I'm too picky for my own good. Who knows? But I will say this, losing weight went a long ways to improving my confidence. Best decision I've ever made.
     
    country and mikepian like this.
  19. mikepian

    mikepian Fapstronaut

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    Excellent, fanboy!
    Just a couple quick points:
    ---Losing PMO will go an even longer way to improving your self-confidence
    ---Your best decision SO FAR was to lose weight. Your best decision, PERIOD, will be to get and stay clean!

    You (and I) are designed to become and be a noble MAN: brave, strong, and compassionate. So we need to become who we are.

    This site gives heaps of help and hope. Dig in.

    Anything I might be able to help with, I'm right here.

    Wishing you much Peace, brother. Mike
     
    Fordfanboy2010 likes this.
  20. You're awesome, Mike!! Thanks for the help and support. 3 days clean so far!
     

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