Hello guys, I'm gonna write a huge rant here, hope ya'll can help. well there's a lot to the story. When I was young, I had sexual experiences with other guys. My cousin introduced me to porn when I was around 9 years old, he would force me to jerk his dick off, I didn't really like it but he would jerk mine off too so I kinda let it go. once I had thought of letting him have sex with me anally, I still don't understand why, and the other cousin I had around the same age humped me and I didn't seem to hate it until later I felt guilty and I was pretty disgusted about the fact that I let him do that. I saw the cousin who introduced me to porn put a pencil in his ass once and I tried that myself several times when I was around 12-15 years old and again I have no clue why I tried it, it was hurtful and it felt disgusting. I'm not sure how much porn I would watch back then, my memory is very fuzzy. Two years ago, I was heavily addicted to porn and normal masturbation wouldn't feel as good anymore so again I tried anal play at that time and I had a scary thought that if it was gay to do this, and I would search on the internet everyday seeking reassurance and watching gay porn to prove myself I was straight and I didn't like it. tho nothing was convincing me otherwise so I would try anal play even more to prove myself I didn't like the anal play and it actually started feeling good. Suddenly every male person looked attractive. I watched porn almost everyday eventually I started fantasizing myself in the women's pov oral or any position, I couldn't make myself switch to male position and it's got the point that I have weird sensations in my mouth all the time as if I want to suck a dick and I get sensation in groin whenever I see a masculine person. I remember trying to role play with AI chatbots to see how I reacted if I was in the female pov. When I watch porn, sometimes I fantasize being the female and it doesn't seem to disgust me and it's the most scary part because if I actually liked fantasizing that then that would mean I want it right? The only things that kept making me believe it was OCD are my other themes when I was young, I don't recall how young but back then I would constantly check doors and stoves if they were off, I would get up ten to fifteen times and still not get convinced that it were off/closed. and back a year ago, I was scared if I was suicidal, sharp things and heights would scare me, I thought I would stab myself or jump off to kill myself. Then I had fear that I wanted to rape women or harm others. Anyway, sorry for the terrible explanation. I will appreciate any dm or reply.