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I'm not sure if it's HOCD or Denial anymore

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by BladeRunner29, Oct 4, 2021.

  1. BladeRunner29

    BladeRunner29 New Fapstronaut

    Hello guys, I'm gonna write a huge rant here, hope ya'll can help.

    well there's a lot to the story. When I was young, I had sexual experiences with other guys. My cousin introduced me to porn when I was around 9 years old, he would force me to jerk his dick off, I didn't really like it but he would jerk mine off too so I kinda let it go.
    once I had thought of letting him have sex with me anally, I still don't understand why,
    and the other cousin I had around the same age humped me and I didn't seem to hate it until later I felt guilty and I was pretty disgusted about the fact that I let him do that.
    I saw the cousin who introduced me to porn put a pencil in his ass once and I tried that myself several times when I was around 12-15 years old and again I have no clue why I tried it, it was hurtful and it felt disgusting.
    I'm not sure how much porn I would watch back then, my memory is very fuzzy.
    Two years ago, I was heavily addicted to porn and normal masturbation wouldn't feel as good anymore so again I tried anal play at that time and I had a scary thought that if it was gay to do this, and I would search on the internet everyday seeking reassurance and watching gay porn to prove myself I was straight and I didn't like it. tho nothing was convincing me otherwise so I would try anal play even more to prove myself I didn't like the anal play and it actually started feeling good.
    Suddenly every male person looked attractive. I watched porn almost everyday eventually I started fantasizing myself in the women's pov oral or any position, I couldn't make myself switch to male position and it's got the point that I have weird sensations in my mouth all the time as if I want to suck a dick and I get sensation in groin whenever I see a masculine person.
    I remember trying to role play with AI chatbots to see how I reacted if I was in the female pov.
    When I watch porn, sometimes I fantasize being the female and it doesn't seem to disgust me and it's the most scary part because if I actually liked fantasizing that then that would mean I want it right?
    The only things that kept making me believe it was OCD are my other themes
    when I was young, I don't recall how young but back then I would constantly check doors and stoves if they were off, I would get up ten to fifteen times and still not get convinced that it were off/closed.
    and back a year ago, I was scared if I was suicidal, sharp things and heights would scare me, I thought I would stab myself or jump off to kill myself. Then I had fear that I wanted to rape women or harm others.
    Anyway, sorry for the terrible explanation.
    I will appreciate any dm or reply.
  2. Saythatagain

    Saythatagain Fapstronaut

    Hey BR29,

    I think it's awesome you were able to share all of that. Most of us that are Sexual Addiction have a hard time discussing our thoughts and actions. I will say that they don't get better over time but progressively worse. Mostly it's only us that know and there is no one there in the dark of night to tell you no. I was also introduced to porn, masturbating, oral and anal by an older male cousin when I was around 8. I was hooked quickly and mostly from not understand things due to my age. I have ADD and can focus on porn. I have OCD and can consume it for hours you see if another one is better.

    Don't over think this and that. Unless you have drinking, use drugs, gambling etc that you are not disclosing take one at a time. I would look into Sexual Addiction recovery. There are several versions out there so see what's available locally that you can attend in person. Connection is a huge problem we share and the meetings help a lot. Sexandrelationshiphealing.comhas a lot of resources and webinars. Check them out and DM if you would like to talk further.
  3. BladeRunner29

    BladeRunner29 New Fapstronaut

    Thank you man.
    Well, I'd be glad to talk about this if anyone's willing to in DM's or here works fine as well.
  4. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

    Appreciate the long post and the explanation.

    I am not a psychologist, I don't know how sexuality works. They don't either, incidentally. Nobody knows why some people are gay, bi, etc., though many will claim they do. Whether gay and trans people are born or made, though, is beside the point. I firmly believe you have the right to choose what you want to do moving forward, whether I personally agree with it or not.

    You were introduced to S by a coercive male. That early impression, despite how uncomfortable it was, must have influenced the way you interact with S. Desensitization leading to escalation is common. Beyond that, anxiety and exposing yourself to certain kinds of P definitely influenced the way you feel about S and your sexuality. Anxiety, and especially shame, are powerful, perverse emotions that push you in directions you consciously don't want to go. I propose two things for you to try. Unsurprisingly, it's similar to what I did, because people like to make other people like themselves because it self validates. Still, it worked for me.

    First, to cover your bases, get screened for OCD. Regardless of what you choose to do with your genitals from here on out, it would be beneficial for you to know if you have it and if you do, what your treatment options are.
    Second, quit P forever. If you haven't read the basics from NoFap and YBOP yet, I highly recommend it. They explain why P is unnatural and harmful, despite being extremely common. I personally don't want to overstate how destructive P is, because you can find lots of guys that use it and they seem fine. Then again, lots of athletes used to smoke, too. I just know P can't be good for you, and is potentially harmful, so not using it is probably the best option. As you can see from the multitude of voices on the forums, not using P is easier said than done. It's still a worthwhile effort, and cutting back and deescalating your use is better than letting it run your life.

    But don't just quit P. Quit S. Not forever, just for a little while. Not only will running an S detox for some three months make quitting P easier (after a few weeks, nothing about that first month or so is easy), it can help you reset your attitude toward it, and reboot your sexuality. Instead of letting your anxiety dictate what you indulge in, disconnect entirely from it. Then, with a fresh attitude, gradually reintroduce it and see where your attractions take you. Hetero or homosexual, just take in the information about what you are drawn to, and decide how you consciously feel about that and what you're going to do with it. But all that comes later. For now, I'd say back all the way off. Humans are sexual beings, it's true, but we are so much more. People like me, and it sounds like you as well, let S creep in and define everything else. I let it take over. Not publicly. Not from the way I talked with people, I didn't want them to think I was an obsessed creep. But in a lot of ways I was an obsessed creep. In some ways I still am, and it has been a delight and a relief for me to at least try to shut it all off for a while.
  5. WelcomeToReality

    WelcomeToReality Fapstronaut

    You gonna never find out truth of your sexuality while watching porn. Even if you are gay or straight or bisexual. This sick addiction makes your mind to make excuses to come back to certain stimulus. And mind can be so fucking tricky.

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