I'm sad bc I cannot climax with my partner

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Marvelgurl23, Jan 4, 2021.

  1. Marvelgurl23

    Marvelgurl23 Fapstronaut

    I only see my partner every few months. When we do get in the mood, I get aroused but not enough for me to ease into sex. I have a hard time as a woman not being in pain right before the deed so I've been scared of never being able to have sex again.
    I've been on nofap for a year and a half now.

    Even when he is having sex with me, I don't feel anything. At this point, I might not be able to enjoy it. I was considering a vaginaplasty to make it better because I do feel self-conscious about myself down there. I just think because I'm so tense it makes things difficult. I feel ashamed of myself and don't even like sexual anything anymore. I've been thinking of just being single for another couple of years and working on my leg muscles bc I don't even feel like a woman anymore.
  2. Peter.Parker10

    Peter.Parker10 Fapstronaut

    I'm really sorry to read those feelings. Have you considered the possibility to visit an urologist or a sexologist? I say this because an urologist found out about my wife's sexual disfunction. It wasn't like she didn't feel anything down there, but she was in constant pain every time we had sex. Don't give up, and look up for the help you need.

    I've heard that these kinds of disfunctions might have to do either with porn or with some kind of sexual or psycological abuse in childhood. My wife's issue seems to be from emotional stuff with her mother when she was a kid.
  3. I'm a male, so feeling a bit bashful to post in this thread, but perhaps my thoughts will still be helpful. If you aren't feeling anything when he is with you, it makes me wonder if he is unselfishly looking to please you, or if he is just focused on his own end goal. If it is the latter, small wonder that you aren't feeling much. If, however, he is truly trying to satisfy you, he may just need a little education. Men don't naturally know how to please a woman in bed. Men's responses are easy to understand, predictable, and with an almost certain outcome--and men can respond to a much more direct/rough manner of handling. Women, on the other hand, tend to respond rather differently. They warm up far more slowly, and must be handled much more gently. He won't know what you like unless you tell him. It is simply impossible for him to intuit the information that only exists in your mind--he's not a woman, and honestly, unless another woman has told him, he will have almost no idea about what a woman likes...certainly, he won't know what you like unless you are open about it. Many people tend to go quiet during intimacy, but oral communication cannot be fully replaced by physical--it always has its place.

    Both women and men can be aroused through stimulation virtually anywhere that skin contact can be made, but women, especially, need such stimulation in order to be relaxed and aroused. A full-body massage, for example, might be a good way to start. If you want some sexpert advice that I have found helpful with my wife...

    Look for "CalExotics female insider" on YT. I haven't seen all of those, but there was one of them there by Jaiya that might be good for him to watch about how to pleasure a woman.

    Men tend to be goal-oriented...get in and get the job done. Women tend to be more nuanced and appreciate the process far more; it's a journey, not a destination. Taking time to be intimate in conversation and throughout the day will help you be ready for a romantic evening together. Most men, especially those who have been married for fewer than 20 years, have a hard time understanding these principles. Men can shout and argue with someone and then, shortly afterward, be good buddies again. Women don't have minds that work well this way--they tend to have the "argument hangover" for awhile, and are less able to quickly let it go or to forgive. If he wants you to be happy, he needs to keep you happy all day--no slip-ups in being harsh or critical. If he wants to argue with you, he'll pay a price for it, like it or not, even if you're not purposefully trying to avoid him. Younger men simply don't have enough experience, oftentimes, to understand this--and some men never learn it.

    Regarding your ideas of a vaginoplasty, I wouldn't recommend it. I think you would be disappointed with the outcome and would regret having done it. It could possibly make things more painful for you, even if more pleasurable for him. In the end, it might worsen your problem--he'd be finishing more quickly, and you wouldn't have had enough warm-up to get there. In place of surgery, though, you could try doing Kegel exercises. That would certainly be a positive, regardless, and would be both risk-free and cost-free. Even other exercises, such as sit-ups, might prove helpful.

    Hope this helps.

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