im scared [warning:sexual themes]

You’re experiencing escalation, most likely. You need to stop looking at porn and fantasizing. Replace the porn habit with good ones.

 

The need to have higher, more novel levels of porn a graphic stimulation to get aroused.

 

I don't think you are pedo, what i thinks triggers you is not the girl itself but the shame of yourself seeing such contents.
So i think it's a obsessive-compulsive circuit , like hocd or other shame fetishes.
Leave these compulsion and you'll reprogram your obsession. If you find you can't do it alone go to a psychotherapist

 

I agree. Just as people with cuckolding fetishes gain sexual gratification from the shame/embarassment of their partner having sex with another person, I think you are recalling that shame from these prior experiences. You might be confusing it for potential sexual stimulation, when in reality that feeling of shame is "exciting," but not really indicative of actual attraction to minors. I'll admit, I went down a similar road as you, peeking at "loli" hentai, and it disgusted me, but it was new. You'll be all right, start by developing some new healthy habits.

 

Welcome to how horrible this addiction can get. Take comfort in a few things:

You aren't alone, nor are you unique. There are plenty of people who have similar experiences and have vast amounts of guilt for the things they've done online.

A lot of that drawn material is designed to be alluring...to sucker you in with "cuteness". It preys on men's instincts then breaks them...it twists natural feelings of love (not the sexual kind, the protective kind) of youth and beauty towards twisted and evil ends.

Listen, we've all done things we aren't proud of, and feel guilty about. A lot of people here have escalated to some pretty abhorrent stuff. Part of this process is going to be you having to forgive yourself, and move on from it. If you start clinging to feelings of guilt...you'll start not caring. You'll go back to it, and you'll let it drag you further down. Stick with rebooting...learn to steer your energy towards good, healthy things. Learn to gain control of your urges....and move on from the past. Leave it in the dust.

 

Just dropping into to say I too have suffered in this way. And after I managed to finally, completely drop porn (I say that with 100% conviction), I way able to make peace with it as I saw it for what it is; drug addiction.

You will get better. Trust me. Trust yourself

 

Additionally, I would like to point out that whole thing of "looked at something and then bam the groin moved" is a common phenomenon. Its called "the groinal response" and its based on the fundamental ideas that a) anxiety and worry cause increased bloodflow, leading to the feeling that the groin moves and b) fear causes you to overfocus on it

It looks to me as if you're suffering from Pure-OCD (I had something similar). I would personally recommend videos by the therapist Christie Hodges (https://www.youtube.com/c/ChrissieHodgesPureOCDAdvocate). She really helped me out

 

It's most likely escalation. The problem is that because you looked at it once, your brain will remember the rush and will look for it again. Don't cave in or it will become worse.


It's good to say here that even drawing are linked to real child porn. Because the artist most likely saw CP as "reference" or maybe it was CP that pushed him it that direction.

 

I don't think that you are a pedophile. What I may say might be highly controversial but I think many men (non-pedophile) would be aroused at child porn because it's extremly shocking and it's porn. Your brain doesn't care if it's right or wrong, it sees something taboo and something sexual, that's all it needs to give you the rush.

What you describe is what I can see here about homosexual thoughts or HOCD, you should look into that even if it's not the same subject, it's the same process. At the end of the day, you are the one in command. Even if your body tells you "you are a pedophile" (which I don't think is the case like I said earlier), you don't have to accept this. You may fall, but you will get up again.
I'm convinced that those thoughts will fade away, but it certainly takes more than 5 days to do so.

I think most of us would like to become innocent all over again and like we used to be. But we can't, we have to stay and fight this addiction. Kick it in the teeth.

 

It's the principle of escalation. The first time an addict sees something shocking (not necessarily cp), he will be digusted, but the brain will associate this novelty with something really exciting and will try to look for more. Then if he looks more and more of such content he will get totally desensitized and will look for something even more extreme.

 

I agree with CodeTalker here. Chief, you ain't a pedo. You desensitized to commonly available porn content. You scared and you think you're a monster. You're not. You never were.

You know, when I was a kid, maybe around the same age you are (it's been way too long to properly remember), I somehow found and got into Lion King Hentai (I talk more about that here https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/guilt-for-past-fetish-porn-habit.327539/#post-3309068).

This addiction really does take you down some dark paths. There's an incredible amount of this stuff online, and I swear hentai artists have no shame in what they draw. I remember that I went back numerous times to it (it's embarrassing, I know). I really thought I was some weird monster for seeing Lion King Hentai. I mean hey, I don't blame myself, not like I knew anything about porn addiction and how it works, and who could I open up to about this? Couldn't go to my parents and say "hey, I need help"; what parents could deal with their kid being into this?

But this is how porn addiction works! Its how this desensitization works! 99% of the time, you don't go willingly searching it up, you fall into it. Hell, I'm not sure how found it, but I think it was maybe through furry porn (it was the first genre I was really addicted too).

Its horrendous. I fell into seeing the loli-kind of content that you saw too, later in life. And I found it through hentai sites. I got addicted to incest porn later in life (honestly, incest porn was easily the porn I was most hooked into, but its over now). And one of the sites I went for it, just had it on the front page. Hell, I found one that was in the incest porn I was watching. I'm not even sure I realized it until after the deed was done. And the more I think about it, the more incest porn often had young looking people in it (again, its really scary). When I said these hentai artists have no shame, I really mean that. They do whatever. I mean fuck, the Lion King hentai I saw is what you think - two cartoon lions going at it (among other things). I hate them for it. I despise that I had to be hurt by what these clowns put out. Like at least keep it behind some credit card or paywall or something, man.

Chief, I know how scared you are, because I really did go through what you did, just a bit differently with zoophilia content as a young teen. You really feel alone in this world. It's scary to think about why this happened to you, and no one else. But the truth is, its really just a mistake, and there's nothing wrong with you. You're addicted to porn. And there's alot of it out there. It's really easy to fall into it.

Here's this little "fun-fact" I found out recently about the hentai site where I found that Lion King hentai content (not listing the name) that strangely helped me to make peace with this, so maybe it will help you - on Wikipedia, the article for the site mentioned that the site in question had enough lolicon, shoutacon, and zoophiliac/bestiality content, that they actually had to remove that content and move it to another site so that they could still get ad revenue. Like there's so much that ad companies were threatening to stop supporting the site. Like it's really that bad. After reading that, a strange sense of peace went over me; how can I call myself a sicko when there's really that much content on what is (when you get down to it) regular, every day, porn sites? I never asked to see this. They shoved it in my face.

Really hoping this helps to calm you down and give some hope. And lastly, please man, don't give up on yourself. I never had anyone to really talk to about my addiction and get help, and I just gave up on myself and let it get worse. 10 years of my life, I was an addict, and it really hurt me. It just makes me so so happy that you guys have a place where you can talk about it openly, where you can be vulnerable, and get help. You guys really deserve the world

Cheers mate, here's hoping you live a better life.

 

Beautifully post man! Thank you for this. I'm in a similar spot. Dealing with a fetish that I probably developed due to a childhood trauma and that specific fetish had become my only sexuality. I also escalated aswell. I might never be able to heal the trauma, but i won't give up!

 

No, your porn preference after escalation has nothing to do with your sexuality. I escalated to genres that I find absolutely disguising in real life. Especially at your age your brain is still developing, and it’s causing confusion. Stop watching porn asap, and cut down on screen time in general. Spend as much time as possible in real life with real people and your real preference will become clear.