I'm so Tired of Wanting

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by MelancholyWeightlifter, Dec 15, 2014.

  1. MelancholyWeightlifter

    MelancholyWeightlifter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    The wanting. It's like a wound deep in my soul that keeps reopening. It keeps bleeding the blackness of my desires. I am so utterly sick of everything sexual. I feel physically ill at some times. The guilt, it still lingers, still drags. But the wanting....that's the worst part. No matter what goal I set, my mind will not accept it at some deeper level. That part of me wants and thinks about sex every day. I can't help looking at this incredibly beautiful girl I know, and just think how it would be to embrace her, to kiss her... just something simple like that. To know I will most likely never experience this brings... mixed emotions. Some sad, some relieved... hopeful for what else will then be achieved. But no matter what... I am shackled by my desires. I have beaten them, but yet they drain me, and by their very existence torment me. I'm just so tired... so horribly amused by the sickening irony of my life. But yet, I will never give up, I will never relapse. My road is long and tiresome, but sure and sturdy.

    http://youtu.be/OpYKtirbA7E
     
  2. Jalus

    Jalus Fapstronaut

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    My soul empathizes with you. The feeling is...haunting...like a ghost that torments your lonely nights. Like knowing the love of you life was stillborn. Like seeing shadows in your life and knowing that someone should be making them, but there's nothing. Like trying to remember something that should not be forgot, but you can't recall it, but the nagging feeling won't go away.

    But if you've given up your dreams, what are you doing nofap for? What goal are you trying to cross?
     
  3. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Your post is painful and poignant and I can relate to much of it. In posting it, I hope you at least experience some validation from those that know exactly what you are talking about. Others will be in a different place and seek clarification, but you will touch the heart of some that need no further explanation, because your words speak for me and for them.

    There are some musical compositions and performances that likewise capture a very deep and personal perspective, like the one you chose. I would like to share the one track that, for me, is preeminent in speaking to my own profound disquietude...

    Please by the Black Peppercorns: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIPzlThTMbU

     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 15, 2014
  4. heyitshannes

    heyitshannes Fapstronaut

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    I know how you feel MW. I just wish I could, like you, claim that I will never relapse. I find myself weak. I feel like I am unable to say no. It is a constant battle. One I feel that I cannot overcome. But I must. I will not go down that easily. Fall down 7 times, get up 8, right?
     
  5. MelancholyWeightlifter

    MelancholyWeightlifter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I haven't given up my dreams Jalus. My dreams are what lead me to this dichotomy. I've made the decision to not take part in anything sexual for the rest of my life. But yet, even when that noble part of me makes that decision, something deeper just refuses to let go.

    Thanks IGY. It's good to know other people understand and that my words may help. Thanks for sharing that song, it is beautiful. I think the most applicable line from the song I posted is "I have buried you every place I've been. You keep ending up in my shaking hands." It's such an apt description of addiction. No matter how many times I think I've gotten rid of these desires, it comes back to my trembling hands.

    It can be dark Shannes. But you're exactly right, you can't give up. You do have the power to say no. Even though the desires we feel may be powerful, they are far from unconquerable. I promise if you juat change your mindset to one of - "I choose not to relapse, therefore I am unable. My choice is absolute, nothing can stop me." - you will succeed. Know that you can man.
     
  6. TimeZoneGhost

    TimeZoneGhost Fapstronaut

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    We're the 2am soliders man. We tread and forge these paths so that others might have an easier walk through woods because of it. I believe I know how you feel exactly. I've lived with it, or something very, very similar my entire life. And yet we just keep going, because we have to? Or because we're expected to? I don't know, I don't have answers. Just sympathy. Good luck, we're all here for you if you need us.
    1528464_564154687053705_6878265029551954355_n.jpg
     
  7. Warrior01

    Warrior01 Fapstronaut

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    I'm not sure I completely understand this but, what do you mean in not to take part in anything sexual for the rest of your life? Not sure if that is the right focus on how to stop this addiction.

    I agree in the part that we choose not have any thoughts nor PMO to learn to control this addiction/impulse but some part of us refuses to do that.

    But anyway, sex is gonna be part of the life of all people, the thing is to control sex, and not letting sex control us, but sex is still there.
     
  8. IGY

    IGY Guest

    I would say that MW's opening comment is clear - life-long celibacy and no PMO.
     
  9. Monster Carrot

    Monster Carrot Fapstronaut

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    That is hardcore; respect.
     
  10. purity

    purity Fapstronaut

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    Wow, deep post. Sounds like transcending desire is the solution, in what way you would begin to go about that is for you to discover in time.

    Or else become content, maybe you will have to learn how, and seek a partner to be with, I mean if you don't think you're ready or want to transcend sexual desire, don't torture yourself with celibacy lol, you have a choice to be in a sexual relationship with someone.

    So I feel your pain, but I'm not sure what all the torment is for.
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2014
  11. purity

    purity Fapstronaut

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    So apparently MW, according to IGY's comment, you want to be celibate for life?

    Years of 'forced' celibacy can end in disastrous results, please know what you are doing and really want. Celibacy undertaken with the guidance of a spiritual Master or Teacher is the wisest choice, if life-long celibacy is the choice.

    I wish you the best in your quest.
     
  12. MelancholyWeightlifter

    MelancholyWeightlifter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Very well said. I don't think there are answers for thing like this. All we can do is forge our own path.
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2014
  13. MelancholyWeightlifter

    MelancholyWeightlifter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    To Purity and Warrior01. My goal is indeed life-long celibacy and no P, M or O. I don't think it's forced, as in no one is forcing me, or even encouraging me, to do this. I am not asexual, so there is natural resistance from the more...primal parts of my psyche. So the real question, is how do I quiet this part of me. As you said purity, transcendence is the ultimate goal. How to do that, is quite another task. I feel there is no resources for me to learn from. So few choose this, it's hard to find guidance.

    I am curious purity what disastrous consequences you foresee if celibacy is forced?
     
  14. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I am intrigued to why you have chosen celibacy if you are not asexual MelancholyWeightlifter, though I suspect the reason is too personal to be mentioned on a public forum- even if you are anonymous?
     
  15. MelancholyWeightlifter

    MelancholyWeightlifter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    No it's OK NoBrainer.

    My reasons are myriad, but I'll try to stay brief here.

    I have a hard time separating the pain sex has caused me from romantic relationships in general. I really do hate sex. Right or wrong, I honestly don't know if that will ever change. I developed this loathing of sex pretty early, and it shaped my development as a person. This hatred is just so integral to my being...(This is the biggest one.)

    Relationships seem to cause more pain then they're worth. Looking around me, some of the worst pain I see inflicted is within relationships. I.e. adultery, abuse etc.

    I enjoy my freedom. I have so little time as it is. I don't think my life has room for a relationship.

    I have many reservations about sexual performance. I have a small penis and I feel oral is wrong. That's a bad combo. I can't do the..."other" techniques to compensate.

    In the end I don't think I would make a good husband. I don't think I could give a woman what she deserves.
     
  16. whatvidone

    whatvidone Fapstronaut

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    The pain is like a cold steel knife thrust straight through your heart. I feel this too. I've seen things I shall not speak on, an evil feeling that has attached itself to my shadow, like a never ending tormenter. But I figured it out, it is the devil, and he is here to destroy our souls. I follow no religion but I beleive in the dark one, I also beleive in the bringer of light and his angels. Find them in the spirit world, and then you can be truly free. I cry as I right this, I do not understand why.


    Edit - One day you must give your seed, it must be done, teach your son well and he will never repeat your mistakes.
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2014
  17. purity

    purity Fapstronaut

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    I should have been more clear. I meant forced as in you are fighting yourself over it.

    I bring this up from reading this work right here by Sri Swami Sivananda. Life-long celibacy is an arduous undertaking, and the Swami warns about how repression can backfire with disastrous consequences as in a tidal wave of lust causes you to relapse into all manners of sexual indulgence.

    http://www.dlshq.org/download/brahmacharya.htm

    "In the end I don't think I would make a good husband. I don't think I could give a woman what she deserves."

    Hey, from reading your posts I think you're a great person! Why do you think this? Well maybe that's personal, but I'm an overly self-critical person myself, and sometimes 'judgements' we have about ourselves are just not true.

    Edit: I can tell you traditions in which celibacy is practiced for the sake of spiritual transcendence are mainly Buddhism and Taoism, of course the Swamis and yogic schools also but I would guess the first two teachings I mention would be more accessible. And of course there are celibate monks, nuns, priests, and the like in Abrahamic religions, but I wouldn't say they have celibacy down to a 'spiritual science' as the Eastern traditions do.
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2014
  18. Vikmeister

    Vikmeister Fapstronaut

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    Deep post. I can empathize. Our societies are so hypersexualised. We glorify sexual exploits and conquests but other past cultures were deeper. They glorified bravery - think roman soldiers, celibacy - Christian and Buddhist monks, austerity - think Sparta. To be a "man" in today's society means money and sexual conquests. It's a narrow, poisonous form of reference.
     
  19. purity

    purity Fapstronaut

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    "In the end I don't think I would make a good husband. I don't think I could give a woman what she deserves."

    Marriage for the sake of sex is no marriage at all.

    "The portrayal of love by commercial groups through the mass media in what we call "western" culture is not "real" love. When an animal wants to have sex, it shows its "love," but after having experienced sex, it just forgets about love. For animals, sex is just an instinctive drive necessary for procreation. But a human being has much more to offer in the concept of love. Duties and responsibilities are important ingredients to maintain unity, harmony and understanding in a relationship between human beings."

    Lifelong celibacy is an admirable choice that is so very very rare these days. Just make sure you are committed to it 100%.

    Don't dwell on thoughts of being with women you are around as you describe in the first post if you have set your mind on celibacy. Celibacy should not be a repression or battle. You will not be successful like that.
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2014
  20. MelancholyWeightlifter

    MelancholyWeightlifter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I don't think I am being overly critical of myself. I just think I am being realistic. I think many people try to get married when their personality just does not let it work. I am one of those people.

    To clarify, when I say "In the end I don't think I would make a good husband. I don't think I could give a woman what she deserves." I mean emotional and practical things.

    The thing that does really worry and confuse me is repression. How do I know if I'm repressing myself? Does any struggle I face mean repression? If this was easy, everyone would do it.
     

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