I'm struggling and for many reasons

First off I will say that even though I am struggling, I am managing to fight off the urges. I have edge a bit and browsed instagram from time to time but I manage to stop myself before I get in too deep. So I won't count these few instances as relapses but it does go to show that I am having a difficult time. To make these matters worse, I am a bit of hypochondriac, and aside from taking every little anomaly as the symptom of some terrible chronic incurable disease, I start to believe that my ED is a symptom of such. Initially I wasn't sure what the cause was, but I had suspicions of it being porn and finding nofap long ago was kind of a key I needed. But being that ED is also the symptom of much more severe issues like atherosclerosis, diabetes, nerve damage, hormone problems ect... I tend to jump to the worst conclusions.

This makes things very stressful for me, and I have a horrible time with doctors. So I tend to just do alot of googling of things, trying my best to stick to the scientific literature and avoiding the sensationalist sites that have even the simplest cough as a precursor to cancer, but ultimately it just makes me worry even worse. and when I worry I start to lose my will power to fight. Yesterday, I got myself worked up and got rather depressed. I talked to a friend and that helped, but Im still a bit down. Basically, I got it in my head to start looking up diabetes stuff. Even though I don't have any symptoms, or even feel at all bad, and this is just a rabbit hole I didn't want to go down. Some background, my last glucose test was in 2015 as part of a seperation physical. it was 96, which is on the high side of normal but still normal (I attribute this to possibly having a carb heavy meal the night before). I haven't been to doctor since so I have no idea where it stands now. I do have an appointment for a check up in a couple weeks and that will be a topic I will bring up. But, my problem is that, even though im fairly confident that im fine being as I have no symptoms, until a doctor does a blood test, I just cant convince myself otherwise. I don't have constant thirst, in fact if I don't remind myself to drink I may go several hours without drinking anything. I don't have blurred vision, I don't have sweet smelling uring ( at least I don't think so, it just smells like piss to me). I am tired alot, but this is probably due more to my being depressed. So yeah I just don't have a reason to worry but I do and I can't help it.

I'm going to address all my concerns when I see the doctor so im hoping everything will turn out ok. The waiting sucks but its the earlist I could get without just going to a urgent care clinic. Trying to manage depression, anxiety, hypochondria along with rebooting is really having a toll on me. Im not sure how relevant all this is to the rebooting process but it is something im having to deal with while I go through it. Im just not sure what all I can do.

 

Oh I know. I always tell myself to just not worry about it, but my curiosity gets the best of me. Knowledge is power but most health sites are kinda like buzz feed in that they just use click bait headlines and have little of any actual useful substance in them (and loaded with ads). Hard to find any real science I could use to figure out my issues in a logical manner.

No offense taken, I know I can get irrational at times. Like I said I have no symptoms and im pretty much perfectly healthy so its literally just me trying to rationalize something but going about it in a very detrimental way. I've always been a bit of a hypochondriac going back to my junior year of high school, back then my biggest fear was herpes and I did everything in my power to avoid it at all costs. I did however learn a hell of alot about the disease, almost to a clinical level. Its amazing just how much time and research I put into a disease I didn't even have (or at least have no effect by, since there is a good chance I do have it just from being kissed by relatives as a baby). But it was just how I operated for a long time. Now, I have other fun diseases to worry myself to death over. But luckily I'm a little more level headed now so I may get myself upset making myself think I have something but I can work my way through it pretty easily in most cases.

Nofap brings up alot of questions healthwise though. I have not managed more than 7 weeks, and even then it wasn't pure due to edging and getting off once in the middle that I just didn't count since it was a one time thing. So I haven't really seen the full benefits, however, I do start seeing improvements typically around the 4th week. like my morning wood begins to come back, I start getting spontaneous erections again (not many but more than 0) and over all I feel better. but then comes a relapse and then a binge, and suddenly all the progress is gone and I have to restart. So I do think it is the porn, but until I can make it the 90 days and be certain its PIED, I will always have that bad feeling in the back of my head like its something worse.

That bad feeling is something that really saps my motivation.

 

So last night was rough. I ended up edging quite a bit. I didn't orgasm though. I just couldn't fight the urges for some reason. I did everything I could think of but I was just being so compelled to keep going and ejaculate. I had just enough fortitude to stop myself right before climax but I feel like all I have done is set myself back. I'm not sure if I should reset the timer or not. I have come to learn that if I reset the clock, that just opens up the door to binge since "I'm already at square 1 again, might as well get it out of my system" I suppose if I just keep going and just consider this a trip and not a fall then I can look back and see the progress I made and keep going. If I have to go an extra week or so to make up for it I can but I just don't think resetting the clock will do anything but make for an excuse to "Get it out of my system" My problem seems to be though, how can I quell the urges? Usually I just get up and go piss. That seems to kill it for a little bit, but it always comes back withing 15 minutes or so. some nights it interrupts my sleep and makes me lose sleep for the coming morning, thereby making the rest of my day drag.

 

So today has been interesting. This is day 25, and I think I've met the turning of the tide. This morning, though I did not sleep well last night, having woken up many times and not been able to get myself back to sleep for more than a half hour at a time, I did however, get an erection. sometime during one of the short cycles of sleep I woke up to NPT which lasted around 10 minutes. I was pretty excited! But, later on while at work, I got a spontaneous erection, and then again in the after noon. 3 erections today, each lasting approximately 10 minutes each! Needless to say, this has brought my spirits up significantly. I think this is the turning of the tide. This is when I normally begin regaining my erections and function. This is also a critical time though. While I have made it this far several times, I have always failed shortly after, relapsing and then bingeing, destroying all my progress. I have been resilient this time around, but I need to be extra vigilant as this is the time that my will power gets easily corrupted. I hopefully have learned enough by now to be able to manage it but I need to show extra care as to not slip up again. If you have any advice I can use all I can get. I will keep everyone updated.