I'm struggling with my Femdom fetish..

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by M90mv, Jun 16, 2019.

  1. M90mv

    M90mv Fapstronaut

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    I've been interested in NoFap for years.. as a masterbation/porn addict, I blame my addiction/my lack of control on my inability to have normal sexual relationships with women.

    I'm 29 years old, straight (in the sense that I'm interested in women romantically) however my strong desires to watch or masterbate to Femdom and Cuckold porn have completely hijacked my ability to be aroused my normal sexual encounters.. it's something that I absolutely hate about myself and want so badly to be different.

    I'm not new to nofap. The concept has made sense to me for years as I'm obviously programming myself to only being aroused by anxiety provoking scenarios where I'm made to feel humiliated/inadequate.. I feel like my lack of success with women (mostly because of my fetish) plays into me enjoying being humiliated.

    I have tried to quit masterbating/fetishizing completely but every time I have done that, the overwhelming desire (almost like a drug addiction but worse) takes over. I can resist for a day, a week, a month.. but the deep urge to indulge always gets the better of me at some point and I fall into a binging cycle again.

    It's not just porn either.. I'll use dating apps to look for women who would enjoy degrading and humiliating me for fun and masterbate to our convos (even though I'd never actually go through with it because once i masterbate I'm absolutely disgusted with myself/my fetish)

    I know that obviously the first step is to get back on nofap and stop looking at femdom/cuckold porn, I know it's the main problem. I know this fetish will probably always be a thing for me, but I want to be able to lead a normal life and have sexual desires that dont leave me feeling weak/sick

    Last time I tried to stop, I was walking around all day with a rock hard erection and a heart beat like I had just ran a marathon... my work and personal life suffers because my fetish completely takes over my whole mind. Eventually it gets to the point where I feel I HAVE to indulge in my fetish to get it out of my head and get back to normal life, however obviously this keeps me addicted and dependent on my fetish for arousal.

    Does anyone have any tips for getting through the seemingly impossible parts of nofap? This will be about my 6th attempt at it with my best record being about 40 days.

    Thanks to whoever took the time to read!
     
  2. george53

    george53 Fapstronaut

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    The usual tips which work pretty well are to avoid lacking of sleep, and if possible go take a cold shower when you have an urge.

    When the addiction is strong, it's common to need a few attempts until you eventually reach your goal. First time I did a really long streak (700+ days) was after 3-4 months of struggling with femdom videos.
     
  3. GaryMayor

    GaryMayor Fapstronaut

    Try to create plan how you will overcome it. You need to set proper mindset, goals, prepare yourself by designing helpful tools such as meditation, walk, cold shower or anything which can work for you. There are no magic tips, just observation of your own mind and consistency.
     
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  4. Rebooter45674

    Rebooter45674 Fapstronaut

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    I have the kind of same problem like you. My advice is to come back to NOFAP. " and do not indulge in something which is very regretful or "illegal" due to your fetish. Do not watch hypnosis videos at all. Follow HALT ... That is when you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired take extra Precautions. There is a Terry Crews video on How he dealt with Pornography not exactly FEMDOM but its quite helpful.
    I assume you are into FEMDOM JOI stuff. The thing is that it is more personal and thus fucks you even more than normal stuff, Some people even say that its worst kind of Pornography Addiction. Stop seeking " Pussy Validation". See women as Fellow Human Beings. Donot seek their approval. In the end, How you see yourself matters. The worst thing that you can do is to "HURT YOURSELF" and that is what you are doing by watching those videos.
    Life is much more than PORN or FEMDOM. Dive into whatever you love... eg travelling, working.
    Write your goals on a sheet of paper and the ways in which you can improve yourself and get to them.
    Immerse your self into your work with passion.
    And remember Life is much more than porn and there is someone in you who wants to shine and achieve.

    Sexuality in the Body is desirable ... Thats how it should be... But Sexuality in the mind is a SICKNESS... Thats what we have... FEMDOM HUMILIATION leads to SICKNESS Of Your SELF and HURTS "THE SELF" the most... Stop hurting yourself... Just Donot watch any more Videos... Its as simple as that... But to achieve that simplicity... we need immense determination and Discipline ... Let us be successful this time.

    Just one day at a time...
     
  5. johnnybgoode

    johnnybgoode Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, I'm totally new to this but I have to struggle with femdom for a long long time now, so I really feel you.
    I believe my addiction to this fetish comes from the bad picture I have of myself, and how much I deny myself.. but I really want to try now to love myself and maybe can be loved by someone else in a good way.. I also think in every sexual act one has to lead in a particular way, especially when you are the opposite who just wants to be passive and be dominated.. so try to think, how do I want to treat a woman really? Is it really just to be her slave and do whatever she wants to do? Or is maybe just something which prevents me from expressing my real emotions for woman?
    I'm also just at the beginning, and these are just my current thoughts.. but I so want to get away from it, because first I feel every time so bad by doing it, and second I feel like this prevents me every time to get closer to a real woman, because they see I can't let myself beloved and so I'm taking something away, which they really would do and is in their nature.
    I will stick to the post, please let me know how you doing.. Btw I'm at day 2 now with nofap..
     
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  6. skull67

    skull67 Fapstronaut

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    wow man, you did a 700 day long streak and you still feel this addiction is with you, care to elaborate why this is so, because that completely destroys whatever challenges they have on this website, i mean i have never crossed even 14 dys in my life
     
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  7. Disturbed Monk

    Disturbed Monk Fapstronaut

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    I am struggling with the exact same thing. I'll post about it later on, when I feel ready. But knowing that there are others out there struggling with this as well, already is a good feeling. Does anyone know if there is a support group here focused on this subject/type of addiction? And if not, perhaps we can create one?

    Good luck to all of you. Let's all remember that we are not alone in this. And draw strength from that.

    :emoji_pray:
     
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  8. Rebooter45674

    Rebooter45674 Fapstronaut

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    Most people with FEMDOM fetish that I have come across are having low self esteem and less contact with opposite sex in real life. As per my understanding, this fetish comes due to a lack of self confidence, inferiority complex and a desire for interaction ( read validation) from the opposite sex. People with low esteem are the ones who desire and are in search for validation from others.
    You say you want to love yourself. I see that as a good sign. But your name is "iNEEDagirlfriend" which shows you are desperate for attention by opposite sex. There I see a need for approval by opposite sex. You do not "need" a girlfriend to increase your self worth. You need to work on your self, increase your self worth and then if you are lucky you shall find a wonderful partner who would cherish you for the person you are.

    Just one day at a time...
     
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  9. Rebooter45674

    Rebooter45674 Fapstronaut

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    I do not know of a support group. I came across this with a quick search...https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/femdom-kik-support-group.233461/
    Femdom kik support group
     
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  10. johnnybgoode

    johnnybgoode Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, I appreciate your honesty.. somebody already told me, "you don't need a girlfriend, maybe you want to have one".. and I know as long as I'm looking for approval, I will be never satisfied, because my happiness will always depend on the outside..
    its just like that I feel the one inside me who wants to express himself for soooo long (about 16 years now) and till this day I couldn't figure out how to treat my self or the opposite sex in the right way.. so yes, I'm really desperate, but at least I'm brave enough to face it now..
     
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  11. Rebooter45674

    Rebooter45674 Fapstronaut

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    The above line describes me also. I recommend starting with the first one... i.e treating yourself...I have also started treating myself... Desperation is something that I can understand and relate to... But its not good and does not give good results... I have made very bad decisions due to desperation... It is a great thing that you have admitted that you are desperate and admitting that this fetish is not "normal" ... For some time I used to believe this "bullshit" that this is who I am and its perfectly normal to have this fucked up fetish... Only a month ago I did something which I truly regret and it become a wake up call for me... Even then it took 3 weeks for me to come back to Nofap and this time I am dead serious...I see and sense that you are at starting stage of healing process and what you and I need is to focus on self development... If you focus on that... Desperation starts to fade away...
    Remember this: Once you are desperate, you are bound to make wrong decisions. Once you are free and aware, the right decision shall come to you... Only choice that shall be left to you will be whether you want to take it or not...
     
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  12. Disturbed Monk

    Disturbed Monk Fapstronaut

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    I would like to second this. Curious to hear more about your story and experience.

    First of, I mostly agree. And I think you are being direct yet kind in a productive way. And I hope "iNEEDagirlfriend" does not take it the wrong way. Because you are right, and it is nothing to be ashamed of either.

    However, for me (sadly) Femdom goes even deeper than that. For me, it isn't even about being able to ''attract the opposite sex'' or to find a girlfriend, or validation from a girlfriend, I have that, and she is amazing. And attracting the opposite sex has been an addiction itself (separate from Femdom),but has already been something I have let go a long time ago. It has only been my Femdom Fantasies and Femdom/Kink Porn obsession that remained.

    So, I have wondered forever where this desire comes from, and I think I (partly) have found an answer to it. Of course this doesn't apply to everyone either but I am pretty sure that often, one of these does play a big role.

    I think Femdom desires can come from a variety of things;

    • Worshiping the opposite sex for validation and insecurities (your point)
    • Not feeling ''Man enough''. Like, not living up to the ''traditional'' or ''cultural standards'' thus making you ''less'', or deep insecurities about your own appearance/body/personality that grow into a need to punish or degrade one-self.
    • Self-Hatred originating in early child-hood (pre & around puberty).
    • ''Mommy Issues'' (male version of daddy issues and a ''trauma'' receiving little to no motherly love/validation.)
    • Genuine masochism (some people aren't necessarily traumatized, but feel a deep need to punish or degrade their ''shadow self'' or their out of hand ego's (Often Ceo's, people in power)
    • Severe over-stimulation of porn from a young age, but not actually craving the real deal, and often instantly cured when experiencing it, especially when it isn't only ''femdom'' but also ''Mistress/BDSM''
    • Gender dysphoria
    • Closeted Bi Or Homosexuality

    For me, sadly 3 of the above combined are the problem.
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2019
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  13. Disturbed Monk

    Disturbed Monk Fapstronaut

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    Kudos. Beautifully described! :emoji_pray:
     
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  14. Disturbed Monk

    Disturbed Monk Fapstronaut

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    I think meditation/yoga would really benefit you. Especially to decrease the severity of the compulsion. It definitely does work for me. The simple reason being that it clears the mind. Not just the fantasies, but all thoughts, rising emotions, destructive patterns, and self-dialogue. Because in a sense you are distancing yourself from your build up thought patterns & feelings. I'm not saying it is a cure (otherwise I wouldn't be here). But I know for a fact that when I keep my practices going on a daily basis (10 min is enough) it does create a lot more space and self-awareness. And it lowers the severity of my urges.
     
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  15. Rebooter45674

    Rebooter45674 Fapstronaut

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    I think I agree with most points expect the last one... If you are homosexual or bi, you do not need "femdom" or a woman to tell you to do something. Its just your mind playing tricks upon you.
    If you are Bi or Homosexual, you would know as you would have genuine feelings towards same sex.
    One time I was so bored out of all porn that in search of something new... I went for Gay porn... And I was disgusted by it.
    Porn leads to weird places, for some people escalation happens, for others it does not... Its like alcohol consumption...some people know the limit and do not get addicted while others can not stop destroy their lives..
     
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  16. Disturbed Monk

    Disturbed Monk Fapstronaut

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    I absolutely agree with you. I'm not saying it is a large percentage even. But, I have heard stories & anecdotes over the years where this was the case.
     
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  17. chiyu

    chiyu Fapstronaut

    I think this is a pretty insightful observation. And I think it accounts for alot of us who've fallen prey to such damaging materials. This is why I think it's not enough just to stop the porn, we also have to replace it with positive influences. We must fill the hole that the porn leaves in us with personal growth. This can lead to better self-esteem, a more fulfilling life, and a future worth working towards. All of this then can protect us from falling back into those self-destructive patterns.
     
  18. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    "I know this fetish will probably always be a thing for me"

    You don't know that. I had the same fetish, and other ones, they're gone! And I didn't think they would go either.

    "Does anyone have any tips for getting through the seemingly impossible parts of nofap?"

    The '5 second rule'. Strange but it works. Memories of porn, memories of sex, or fantasies of any sexual nature - they come up randomly sometimes - but it's a choice we can make to focus on something else right then and there.

    Hope this helps!
     
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  19. george53

    george53 Fapstronaut

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    @skull67 @Rebooter45674 I made a thread about this : https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...2-years-why-and-how-potential-trigger.236294/

    If you guys are talking about P addiction, I would have probably been cured now if I didn't do those mistakes. But that's not a big deal, I still feel lot of benefits from it and I read a lot on self-development which really, well... helps me to develop myself lol. But I rationally reset my counter otherwise I wouldn't have been honest, and I'm definitely not gonna repeat those mistakes.
     
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  20. Disturbed Monk

    Disturbed Monk Fapstronaut

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    Yes, wauw. 5 second rule. So simple, yet so powerful. Thank you! What a great way of looking at it.
     
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