I'm super nervous around people and in public.

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Anonymous86, Dec 30, 2018.

  1. Anonymous86

    Anonymous86 Fapstronaut

    I think Porn use and isolating really made me tense over the years. :-( What's a good way to reintegrate myself in the world while disarming the anxiety in public?
  2. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    You isolated yourself and used porn to escape your problems and fears. You conditioned yourself for years to not be able to handle them.

    The anxiety is basically not wanting to fail or make mistakes. Overly concerned about the outcome and doing the perfect thing to get the perfect outcome which doesn't exist. You don't know what's going to happen, you're insecure and incompetent with social situations, and that uncertainty scares you.

    How do you get competence and confidence with social situations? You experience them until the circumstances are made not to matter as much. So that you can handle the problems, fears, negative experiences, pain, and uncertainty. This is how you condition yourself to get what you want. It takes a lot of time and effort. You conditioned yourself in the opposite direction for years. So you have to interrupt those old patterns and create new ones. What was comfortable before (escaping your problems and fears) is now very uncomfortable (anxiety and dissatisfaction). What's uncomfortable now (going beyond your comfort zone) will be comfortable later on (overcoming anxiety).

    It takes repeated courage (while you're incompetent and insecure) to attain competence. Repeated competence leads to confidence. Most people want secret techniques and some sort of instantly gratifying guarantee before taking action, but this is what it really takes to have positive change in your life. It's a difficult, scary, uncomfortable, and delayed gratification process that might not work. That's why people rather stay isolated and addicted to porn... because it's easy, comfortable, and certain instant gratification.

    You have to work for it. Not many people do and that's a good thing for those that are willing.
  3. Anonymous86

    Anonymous86 Fapstronaut

    It all makes sense. Thank you.

    I went to the gym to do yoga today and am planning on a walk later. :) I also have a gratitude journal to keep me accountable.
  4. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut


    Keep putting yourself in situations where things can happen. Expose and immerse yourself more in social situations. Sometimes you'll have negative experiences and sometimes you'll have positive ones. Eventually you'll gain enough positive experiences that helps you link satisfaction to the effort you've been making which builds momentum towards the person you want to become.

    It's kind of like gambling. The uncertainty is what makes it exciting. Sometimes you lose and sometimes you win, but those wins and the possibility of winning again gets you hooked.

    The thing with porn and isolation is you have complete certainty of what's going to happen. People are very unpredictable. Social interactions can be awkward, difficult, and unideal. It's something you have to condition yourself to handle.
    WillFightOut and Anonymous86 like this.
  5. I find that it helps to just be curious about other people. Usually when we feel worried it's because we're thinking about our own problems or imperfections - which btw everybody has! ... or stupid things we may say - which btw everybody does!

    So if you just focus on what other people are interested in or even just simple stuff like how their day is going or whatnot, learn to make some small talk about whatever, you'll realize that alot of people (not all, but don't worry about them) are happy to have some level of human interaction with others, and they're really alot like you. When that happens, the self-consciousness just kind of disappears. :)
    treeline and Anonymous86 like this.
  6. graymatter13

    graymatter13 Fapstronaut

    It's all about our thoughts and beliefs
    If we think we're a boring person, no matter what the other person does or say, it won't change our mind

    It's in us, we are already that person we want to be
    But when we focus too much on the negative and constantly beat ourselves up, that person won't come out

    Once we can control our thoughts and change our beliefs for the better,
    The anxiety and depression will go away
    First step is to identify those beliefs and thoughts and test them
    This will happen by putting yourself in uncomfortable situations in a controlled way

    For example:
    If you're afraid to talk to the cashier, (and believe that they'll judge you)
    Say something, wish them to have a nice day and check how they respond
    Observe how they behave

    Are they really judging? Do they really look down on you, or are they treating the same way they treat to the other customers? Are they smiling?

    *Some might actually judge you, but out of all the tests you make, how many times this happens?
    You can also write it down

    For instance:
    Out of 10 encounters with cashiers
    3 smiled and were nice
    1 felt like they were judging (how did you get it? Frowns? Constant judging stare? etc)
    6 acted normal/ no difference

    The more you do these tests, the more realistic your beliefs will become

    Yes, some might judge you, but cashiers are generally nice and acts the same way to all customers

    It's definitely hard and takes a lot of effort and perseverance
    But at the end, change is only up to us!
    treeline and Anonymous86 like this.
  7. Jocker

    Jocker Fapstronaut

    Take my advice
    .Get Busy
    .Morning Workout
    .Read even if you don't like reading
    .Limit the usage of electronic stuff like phone or Computers etc
    .Listen song and chill
    .Feeling horny?Get up and move your ass
    .Sleep early and get up early

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