I'm tempted to give up on this shit.

Thanks guys,

The only shame I've ever felt from being a virgin is because of how other people talk about it like it's such a horrible thing. It gets to you sometimes, but I've never been resigned to just getting it over with cause I feel pressured to. I had a friend years ago that was always trying to get me laid, it was the biggest pain in the ass. He cared more about my sex life than I did. No, never having had sex doesn't really bother me, the fact that it makes me so undesirable to a lot of girls bothers me. Also it bothers me that I've never had a serious relationship, I got problems with letting people get close to me. Every girl I've pursued has rejected me, it's not a lot cause I don't get crushes easily, but shit takes it's toll. There's all this talk about slut shaming and how bad it is, but what about virgin shaming? I'm not religious, I know Christian girls would love it, but I'm not looking for that. I mean I would date a Christian girl, but I'm not for Jesus or going to church or a lot of the philosophy that comes with that, so yeah. I'm more socially liberal and all the liberal girls are judgy as fuck when it comes to virginity in men. Also I'm sober, don't have a degree which in the area I live in is apparently a big fucking deal, and have mental health issues, mostly depression. I'm just the whole package of "don't touch that with a ten foot pole." I don't have friends, literally none, since I've been sober I don't go out, deleted my Facebook and have absolutely no one beside my family which I'm grateful for, they're all Christian though but still understanding (somewhat) of my choice not to be. I'd love to have a male friend that I could talk to about this without the whole morality or "God frowns on you for touching yourself" bent. I don't know, I've never belonged anywhere and have always been a lone wolf.

Thanks for letting me vent and the advice. I'll go through with this one day, but if I'm being completely honest with myself, I know I don't have the willpower to do it right now.

 

@TadLel

Thanks for your response, that is actually very good advice. I'm not an atheist, I believe in God, more of a pantheist. Scientific empiricism above faith or superstition.

I've tried to tackle everything at once in the past, and yeah, it's overwhelming and doesn't work. I've at least in the past few months have come to a realization that PMO is not healthy, instead of just rationalizing it as normal or inconsequential like I always have. A little progress. It's a big mountain to climb. I'll get there one day, I just need help along the way.

 

QUIT OR DIE! Well that's an offer I can't refuse...

 

I felt a great deal of sympathy for your situation when I read your post. I too was a virgin for longer than many of my peers in Western countries, and it can cause quite a bit of anxiety especially in permissive societies. But my suggestion is to not let this define you. Only you can decide for yourself if PMO is an addiction, or not, and whether you need to quit it. That's a very personal decision, but given that you're posting here I'd imagine you think it is important. I think it is useful to first consider all the positive images you have of yourself. You are stone cold sober- that is an accomplishment. I quit drinking alcohol and I think it takes some strength in Western society where drinking is so prevalent, to do that. Again, it is only you who can decide if you want to be with someone who has a substance abuse problem. Some people can tolerate it, some can't. But if you know it is not going to work out, I have found that it is not useful to blame her for any unhappiness you may feel on account of it not working out. She is who she is- if it doesn't satisfy, then it is best to move on and find solutions to one's problems on one's own.

As for the reality of the situation. Yes, society is the way it is. We can feel many things are wrong, but we've also made many choices that have led us to our current situation. If you want to be honest about your virginity and date and have a relationship in the liberal group you mention, then obviously that's going to be difficult- maybe not impossible, but certainly not easy. No one is 100% honest with any other person all the time anyway (even in marriages that last 50 years or more, believe me!), so perhaps it is worth getting off that moral high horse for a start- not that one needs to lie about something that one doesn't want to, but just to get some perspective. In the dating game everyone puts their best foot forward (and conceals their worst!)- all is fair in love and war. Don't expect a full disclosure from the other party either, and don't be disappointed if you don't.

I can share with you some aspects of being a virgin until later in life and what it means. It is not a crime to be a virgin at all. The point is not so much about inexperience with sex or intercourse, but it is more about the unfamiliarity with intimacy and being comfortable with one's own body that are the casualties. I believe those are the more important aspects that affect future relationships. I am happy now that I am comfortable and happy with my physicality and how it interacts with women. That I can be comfortable around them, even naked, and that I can share that intimacy and space with love. You might be surprised how many women have had a lot of sexual experience but don't know how to be intimate. These are not one and the same thing. One relates to the heart and the other to the body. So if you have an open heart you will find joy in your relationship. And good sex can follow.

Also at 28 you are not doomed to being alone. No one really is at any age. I'm not saying it may not happen, but it is not a certainty. My attitude is to make the best of the present. If I'm single now it is a great opportunity to do all the things singles can do that those in relationships and marriage can't. If a nice woman comes along at that point I don't want to be griping about having a relationship- it will have its share of ups and downs but I should just enjoy the ride, whatever the situation. I think when we do that, good things start happening to us. Good women like cheerful people, even if they are single and maybe sexually inexperienced or older. I think if the right attitude is cultivated it will attract a good companion and the intimacy issues can be worked out. Good luck! YB.

 

@oversexedsami

Thanks for the reply in this thread and the others! I try my best to be honest with myself and people, and never set ultimatums or definitive statements for accomplishing things, such as quitting PMO, because if you fail you fail harder knowing you've let yourself (or others) down by making that promise. I've been sober for 3yrs, never think about drinking anymore, don't get "triggered" to drink by seeing or hearing things about it, but I won't say I'll never drink again. It could happen, and it's usually one little slip up that can send your years of progress tumbling down. I think AA is full of shit for the most part, but one thing I took from there was "one day at a time."

I haven't seen that TED talk, but I read his book Your Brain on Porn and that got me on here and NoFap. The book made sense, it's an issue that hasn't really been addressed by the medical community cause there's not enough concrete data cause it's still all so new.

@YogiBlues

A lot of people would look at me as a 28yr old virgin and probably think I'm desperate and socially inept. The opposite is true. I've never been desperate, that's why I'm a virgin. I didn't throw myself at the opportunities I've had because of that. I never went to a bar and tried to awkwardly pickup girls because of that. It's the complete opposite of what anyone would think. I remember being in a mental ward 4yrs ago and there were a few others in there my age. We were talking and I shared with them that I was a virgin. The girl in the group looked at me and said "I bet I could rock your world." not as an invitation to have sex with her there or after, but just as a statement of "your inexperienced and I'm not." I told her "Probably not." Cause for some inexplicable reason I've found some sort of self-defeating pleasure in denying girls who have wanted me sexually or shutting them down like I did with the girl in the hospital. I remember once there was a party at my house, and it was mostly a sausage fest. There was one really cute girl there, so I put on my confidence and went and talked to her. I was making her laugh and getting along great and she casually mentioned "I just want to get laid tonight." Then I shut down, cause I don't know. I didn't like the idea of losing my virginity to a one night stand like that. I was just flirting with her to test if I could get a reaction.

It's okay for women to be selective, but for some reason men are supposed to fuck everything.

 

I take this as a mark of self-restraint. That is admirable. I salute you for that. I wish you peace and joy. YB