I'm the new GF of a suspected Addict, help?

Thanks @ItsNeverTooLate I appreciate all the encouragement here. I guess I am a fapstonaut myself too as I am abstaining from any MO and have told him my only O's will be with him. P was never an issue for me. I used erotica from time to time which he brought up after I first mentioned having issues with his porn use. I told him I hadn't used it in weeks/months since he and I got serious to which he replied "oh." I want him to see solidarity and that I am not asking him to quit something I'm not willing to quit myself, especially to improve our relationship. I feel the discomfort, though I know it's not the same, but can at least somewhat appreciate how urges beckon and can be difficult to resist in the moment. WE are worth it though.

I wrote the following out to help remind me of my relationship goals, especially after dealing with this situation. I waffle between feeling like I shouldn't settle for any less and worrying I'm being unrealistic and asking too much, of him or any man which is sad.

I understand the world is full of attractive people. Glances are fine. Leering, staring, ogling, and fantasizing are not. While in a relationship, finding people attractive is perfectly acceptable. Being ATTRACTED TO THEM is not. I've read (and believe) that the only difference between porn and fantasy is the mouse. Porn is a destructive lie. Real relationships are worth more than pixels and don't deserve to be injured or replaced by them.

I want a man who chooses me and my feelings over porn and fantasy. I want a guy who can see women as whole human beings and not just body parts, objects there for his pleasure. I want a man who has discipline and self control, rather than one who gives in to primal urges with the excuse that it's in his genes and he has no control over himself or his thoughts. I want a guy who knows how to respect others, especially me and our relationship.

I want someone I can proudly introduce to my family without fear that he's checking out my relatives and fantasizing about them. I want a man with whom I can go anywhere in public, who doesn't ogle and fantasize about every attractive female nearby. I want a guy who is present, particularly during sex, and who I never have to worry is imagining anyone and everyone other than me in order to enjoy and/or finish.

I want someone who doesn't make me worry every time he's alone with time on his hands. I want a man who can disconnect from the fantasy realm, be mindful of his actions and not put himself in compromising situations in person or online. I want a man who makes me feel safe and like I am "enough."

I want a man who understands these needs and works to meet them, so we can have a true intimate, loving, and respectful relationship. More than anything I want a man who will keep choosing me, over all that superficial crap, and who will love, honor, and cherish me the way I deserve - as does he.

 

Oh, forgot to add this bit which I can imagine is an issue for a lot of SO's here:

I want a man with whom I can watch movies, TV, or anything online (social media, YouTube, etc.) without massive anxiety over how he might be triggered by all of the sexual content that seems ever present these days

I feel like unless this porn habit/ addiction and its causes are truly addressed, our society - in person, in media, and online - is too full of triggers to ever allow me to feel safe or secure in such a relationship.

 

Hi all. Wow this got long. Sorry!

We're dealing with a relapse. At least once Monday (at my own house after I left for work-we don't live together-which I am pretty pissed about and will address) and then again yesterday plus 2-3 times today. Sigh.

I'm trying to focus on the positives: He fully admits it's an addiction and will be difficult to fix. He was impressed at my extensive research and told me I'm doing everything right and I'm the perfect person for him to have in his corner. He told me about the relapse himself, though I suspected it after PIED/DE reared its ugly head again tonight. That may have been what drove him to confess since he said nothing on the phone the last 2 nights. I think he will be truthful as we talked pretty calmly and reasonably though I told him I might get emotional at times but would try not to get mad/yell/etc.

He also made it over 2 weeks which is not nothing. It's the longest for him in years. We spent a lot of that time together which helped. He wants to quit and says he likes how he felt while off it. He said increasing his streaks and remembering that good feeling will help, to which I suggested he also try to hold that memory against how he feels now after a relapse for comparison.

I mentioned how I'd read that a lot of people can't really quit until the pain of the addiction is worse than abstaining from it. Or some even need a rock bottom, losing their relationships, marriages, jobs, etc. before thy can fully commit or quit. I'm not sure if that scared him or made him think 'I'm not THAT bad at least.'

The negatives are: he isn't interested in coming here and apparently tried following the Reddit sub and attending SAA previously but didn't find either helpful. So no outside support system other than me.

He admits that when he gets horny he "can't just stay that way and needs a release." That's a huge cause for concern to me. I previously offered sex anytime (outside of work hours) to help with him quitting and he took me up on it last week but not this week apparently. Though he came over tonight to avoid being home alone any further, worried he'd continue bingeing I guess? So that's good, though the reality is that I can't always be there. I'm wondering if the chaser effect got to him after we spent the weekend together.

I told him I can be an outlet and will support him but I can't be a crutch not can I do this for him. He has to do it for himself with the bonus being a better relationship for us and a way happier girlfriend in general.

He's huge into social media and movies/tv so triggers will be everywhere. I asked him to remain honest and forthcoming and told him as long as he's trying - genuinely working to stop - I will stand by him. I also asked him to identify triggers and what he can change or do differently next time he gets urges and/or relapses.

There is a part of his ritual I'm aware of and will ask him to get rid of which could buy time to help him snap out of it. The usual: loneliness/ boredom/anxiety/ stress/ depression/ images on Reddit or other social media, etc. are all likely. I think he's going to block NSFW from his Reddit account at least. He needs to keep busier in general too.

He mentioned a sort of apathy takes him over and then his willpower is gone and he just doesn't care anymore. That whatever incentive or motivation keeps him from doing it disappears. He needs better coping mechanisms. We talked about going for a run at the first sign of trouble. And exercising more in general. We'll see how it works. I forgot to suggest cold showers! I know that works for many of you.

I jokingly told him that I had promised to abstain too and have done so which means I'm totally winning. He's pretty competitive so I thought I might appeal to that aspect as well. I used erotica when I was single so he thought we were essentially on even playing ground til I told him I'd stopped using it when we got together officially. That it's better to wait for the real thing. That made him feel bad I think. Also that I could just stop since I'm not addicted.

We also talked about how even though it's not him choosing porn over me, per se, that that's what it feels like. That I can't compete with it because no single real person can. That I feel like I'm porn scraps for lack of a better word. Sloppy seconds to pixels. I also mentioned how it feels like cheating to most partners which he disagreed with. I told him if that's how it feels that's how it feels. Emotions are not logical. I also said it damages intimacy and bonding in addition to our actual sex life. He agreed and said he had felt really bonded with me during his streak which he was happy about. Now not so much which made him unhappy.

He mentioned having it affect someone he cares about is major incentive. In the past that was not a factor in his attempts to quit. Of which he made many, I now know, before essentially giving up, figuring he wasn't hurting anyone else.

For me, I'm on here, which he knows and encourages. I'm also attending CoDA meetings and may try S-Anon in person and/or online. I need to protect myself and set clear boundaries.

I can't do this for him but I can be informed and prepared to support him as long as he's doing the work. I didn't want to issue an ultimatum because I figured that is a lot of pressure for so early in and on a first relapse. I thought it should be saved for a time when he's not trying anymore or we're not seeing real progress. And when I know I'll stick to it, no empty threats. When I'm DONE. I told him if it came down to it I felt like he'd choose porn over me which he vehemently denied and said he'd choose me a thousand times over it. And yet. That's where the addiction part comes in I guess. So we shall see.

Any other tips or advice at this point? As always, I really appreciate all the support and insight. You all are amazing fighters!

 

Thanks @i_wanna_get_better1. You are a true source of insight and inspiration.

I asked him whether he was seeking material which then made him horby or if he was horny which made him seek material. It was the latter he said.

I will talk to him about detox/withdrawal and see if that helps. He loves brain/neurological stuff which will be an asset. I will also make stricter requirements for my help and understanding if his streaks get shorter or I sense things aren't getting better. PIED may come in handy after all, as a gauge at first.

Funnily enough, the time I went over to 'help out' was one of the best times we've had together, even in general. We felt incredibly bonded. His love language is acts of service so my willingness to help in so many ways might speak to that. I will reiterate that, yes, I am here to help but I am not something to just be used for his pleasure. He has to be building and bonding with me, not using me as a physical receptor to porn and fantasy.

I stayed up much of the night writing the previous post and a list of tips and info on how this is impacting us. I will include it in a separate post. Thank you again for all your help. It's nice to be connected to a community that is going through the same or similar as him and/or me.

 

Here's the list I made and info/feelings I wanted to share with him. Any adds/edits?

(WARNING: Possible Triggers)

Tips to Prevent Relapse
- Get rid of ritual item (stuff he always uses when alone)
- Stay out of your bedroom/house as much as possible
- Install porn blockers on your computer and phone
- Block NSFW on Reddit
- Avoid social media as much as possible
- Avoid any known triggers as much as possible
- Watch movies and use your computer in another room than your bedroom
- Put up a sign in your bedroom on the back of your door that reminds you so when you close it for privacy you will always see it (he doesn't live alone)
- Run/exercise
- Meditate
- Journal (he has previously)
- Cold showers - seriously!
- If all else fails, call for emergency sex and bonding/intimacy

Remember: Although you have to do the work for yourself, I am here to support you and believe in you. We are in this together. This truly affects both of us.

Finishing by yourself means not finishing with me and likely not being able to even get or stay hard with me.

It means you are being selfish and satisfying yourself sexually outside of our relationship, excluding me. You are getting off to and spending time with hundreds or thousands of images, and women, who aren't me. I can't compete. Nor can I decide if porn is the mistress or I am.

It takes away from me and us and you. You've seen what it does. It wastes your sexual energy. It saps all your energy and productivity.

It hurts me. It disrespects me, especially in my own house. It hurts us and disrespects what we have together.

You were able to finish twice via your fantasy method, then even that novelty wasn't enough with porn and masturbation in the picture.

When you quit, you finished multiple times via PIV in one preferred position. As you continued to recover, we looked forward to you being able to finish in other positions too. With porn and masturbation we won't. We can't, which makes me sad and frustrated and unfulfilled. And yes, angry.

It also makes me feel 'not enough.' Because next to porn and masturbation I'm not. How can I be? As I said before, it hurts knowing I literally can't and don't 'do it for you' while you use porn and masturbation. Who wants sloppy seconds to pixels? Coming in second place to porn? Because that's how it feels.

Each relapse is a chance to learn and better yourself and our relationship but it also sets back your and our progress. It may even force us to start all over again which will be disheartening.

If you feel yourself wavering, here is some math: You finished the same (or more) number of times in the last 3 days by yourself than you've finished with me in the 4 months we've been intimate

 

I did tell him if the equipment isn't working, I understand there are a lot of possible factors. That PIED may be in the back of my mind but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and trust him until he gives me a reason not to.

I'll give him those resources. Fingers crossed he's fully receptive. If he starts stonewalling my help or offered information at every turn that will be a problem in and of itself. Last night I asked if I could show him something (my 26 page long word doc of research, links, quotes, and passages -many from here). Before he realized what I wanted to show him, he said he didn't want to watch any Ted Talks but it sounded more like a ...right now. It WAS late and we were both exhausted.

I will definitely keep updating. This is helping me retain my sanity. Happy to help in any way I can after this site has already helped me so much.