Im thinking of ending my life. No sexual desire/arousal for 2 years, Nerve damage / SSRI brain chang

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by patrioshka, Feb 19, 2020.

  1. patrioshka

    patrioshka Fapstronaut

    I want to get help. I dont know what to do. Im young and I dont feel the urge and my penis just doesnt work.


    1. I dont know what caused this. I used to masturbate PRONE before that, I pulled my penis like that: PICTURE

    like that, i just masturbated this way with my one hand and most of the time I really choked my penis.

    1. BUT this probably was not the cause, because that time I started to take Olanzapine 5mg and some other SSRI which the name of I cant remember, I took maybe 13 pills of olanzapine and 7 of the other stuff, but no more than that, first thing first I didnt even wanted to start to take this shit, but I had to, because this all happened when I first tried cannabis OIL and I had some sort of panic attack I thought my heart will jump out of my chest it was pounding, so I called ambulance and I was fucking treated as schizophrenic just because I had a anxiety attack from THC. My anxiety attack cleared after 1 hour and they urged me to take these pills these fucking shitty SSRI, I stopped to take them as soon as I could. And since that happened I just could not feel the urge somehow.
    2. Because of me not being able to feel the urge, I tried to PRONE masturbate harder, I thought it will help if I push erected penis downwards and try to push harded to feel something. And then I just pushed it too hard and I could feel the orgasm was nothing, I probably stretched my penis ligament or damaged it, it snapped , because after that 0 feelings orgasm my penis was just dead. I could see that it was soft and I could not get hard by thinking, I could not get anything, I could not force erect it, nothing worked. It was also longer and hanging more than usual. Completely dead dick stretched ligament or something. I went to urologist the other day and he just told me there is nothing wrong and fuck off get a sex therapist, I hate him so much.

    3. Since that, I tried to fix it by myself, I tried to masturbate forcefully, it didnt work first 30 days. After 2 months I could get semi erection but it was weak, weak so weak, and not in any way erotic, it was just really boring, I was not horny. I managed to masturbate without the urge, I dont know why, but there is no urge at all, I can get little erection, when I touch it, but its not coming from my brain, its like my penis get erected but I dont feel the "good" when it gets erected, I just feel its filling with little blood, and I have to hold my breath very strong to keep it somehow erected.
    4. I tried to stretch my pelvic floor, Im trying Yoga now, breathing, , cold showers to penis, I can feel it is getting more warmer, but thats all, Im desperate.

    5. Final conclusion, I think I have nerve damage, I cant even feel the urge, I cant feel properly this part of penis mainly, even if I focus and want to get blood there, I just cant: PICTURE:


    this part is like dislocated from the prone masturbation injury

    And its 2 years since I had no sexual urge, NO penis erection by thinking, NO penis erection by watching any type of porn, NO morning erection, I just feel weak and I dont want to live anymore.

    Yes I still can make my penis erected, but I have to try hard, I have to touch it with my hand and its not just good, and the orgasm is pure SHIT, its like nothing, I ejaculate but its nothing.

    I feel like I have to repair the upper part of my penis shown on picture above, I think that isnt working, and that should be sensitive to touch and it isnt, I think that part is blocking my brain to get the erection impulses, spontaneous HORNY erection goodness :(

    Please can someone tell me what to do, what can I use to repair it, what to try, anything, I cant live like this, im just 23 years old.

    I tried NoFap for 2 weeks and I could continue forever, but I just wanted to try if it helped, and it didnt.
    I can nofap how many days I want because there is no brain urge to touch my penis or to masturbate or no horninness at all.
    control your life likes this.
  2. ShaolinMonk

    ShaolinMonk Fapstronaut

    Hey Man, my english is very bad but I can tell you only one, go and check your hormonal levels (testosteron, prolactin, estrogen, cortisol) after this, buy ashwagandha, rhodiola, uridine and cdp-choline. Uridine and cdp-choline repair and upregulate dopamine receptors, ashwagandha and rhodiola will lower your cortisol levels and raise Testosterone. You can be healed.
    control your life and Wanktard like this.
  3. rob13_

    rob13_ Fapstronaut

    Have you talked to a doctor bro? They'd be the ones who could actually diagnose nerve damage and the like.
    control your life likes this.
  4. Nucleus

    Nucleus Fapstronaut

    Go to a doctor and ask for help.

    NoFap will help you for sure if you give it time.

    You WILL overcome, brother.
  5. Anonymous86

    Anonymous86 Fapstronaut

    Something somewhat similar happened to me. Is your dead dick shriveled small after prone masturbating? How do you know that you damaged a ligament? Are you sure?
    control your life likes this.
  6. patrioshka

    patrioshka Fapstronaut

    I will try, but im afraid of those herbs and vitamins, isnt that just temporary fix? I need to get back my libido and start working without herbs. Thanks.
    No I didnt, my doctor sucks and I will change doctor soon.
    I still can get erection and its not small, its the same size as it was, but my skin on the penis is really desensitized and I dont feel any "good",when touching, I just feel erection but no the sexual urge to fuck someone, its just erection without emotions. Fucking bad.
    control your life likes this.
  7. Breach

    Breach Fapstronaut

    Nofap is a journey that needs time and many attempts. But trust me, it is worth it and very helpful! When I started this path I was also very suicidal albeit for slightly different reasons. I felt my mind hijacked and couldn't identify with what I had become. It seemed impossible. At the lowest points it was a living hell. It is a lot better now, however I must still remain alert and vigilant. It's a good idea to change doctors if your current one sucks. Remain persistent and optimistic my friend, you will get better!
  8. Discouraged

    Discouraged Fapstronaut


    you can sort of diagnose it same way you'd diagnose electrical system in a car.

    follow back to the branches. if it was before the nerve branches to testicles your testicles would be numb, too, etc etc.

    yeah if you tore a ligament, i guess they could do surgery. usually have to go see at least 3 doctors before you find one that has any idea what the fuck you are even talking about
  9. diaspar

    diaspar Fapstronaut

    I had a bad cut on my finger once. The tip of my finger went completely numb. It was weird when I touched things.

    Feeling eventually came back to it though. For a while it was more sensitive than normal, and it gave me strange sensations. Now it feels pretty normal. It doesn't look normal lol, but only one person has noticed that.
  10. aimforthemoon

    aimforthemoon Fapstronaut

    Bro how are you doing now?

    I am 19 years old, I prone masturbated and became completely numb and then I stupidly tested to see if my penis was working only four days later and that was the worst mistake. my sensations died after ejaculation. Like my erected dick, died in my hand. After that occurred I was like... I am screwed... the past few weeks have been excruciating pain with ct scans of the pelvis and abdomen that have come up clean. I have not checked my back yet, I think I need an mri on my back. I am pretty sure I pinched a nerve so I can not feel sensations anymore. I have been erected in various ways, however it has been gone for a few weeks now. This occurred may 24 and then may 28 I have been on nodap for 53 days and I still have minor nerve pain in the back and thigh. I really damaged my nerve unfortunately, I do not know if this is pudendal neuralgia or if it’s one of the lumbar/sacral nerves that are pinched. I have no idea. All I know is the pain has been going down each day it seems like. But I finally told my parents what truly happened to me so I can making my second appointment for the urologist. He said physically my penis was fine the first time. Now I need to go back and explain all of my symptoms that I am having since this has hit 53 days with no extreme improvement. IF I WERE YOU, I would go to the urologist and get an mri on your back and tell him to check your penile suspensory ligament. You may have tore or stretched it.
  11. TheRetainer

    TheRetainer Fapstronaut

    Sounds like youve been masturbating alot and in a rough manner for quite a while. Your penis isnt designed to be treated roughly. Im not surprised its desensitized.

    I would recoomend you stop touching yourself completely. No fantasy. Give yourself a break. Your only young.

    Focus on life outside your dick. Get a happy and fullfilling life. Id bet youll feel good that you wont care about how your dick performs anymore. Youll probably also find after a few months to a few years, your dick will be working much better as well.

    There is better things in life than getting an erection and having sex.

    Good luck.
  12. aimforthemoon

    aimforthemoon Fapstronaut

    Yes sir understood! I have been crying a lot lately, thinking about how if I just told someone as soon as I went severely numb, I would have been okay. However, that wasn’t the case and I failed everyone in my life. I ended up telling them all 55 days after the “test”. It’s just sad that I was stupid enough to not say anything to anyone. All I had to say was a few words to help myself go back to normal

    thank you for the encouragement bro!
  13. aimforthemoon

    aimforthemoon Fapstronaut

    Even if you weren’t talking about me at all, I learned from what you said and I hope to apply it.
  14. Boochen

    Boochen Fapstronaut

    Hi bro.
    1 year ago I read about a similar case.
    Young guy all of a sudden couldnt get it up. He even tried to use viag-ra with little effect (semi erection).
    He went to 3 doctors who ignored the problem and told him not to fap or watch porn.
    But 4th time he spoke to decent urologist and it turned out that one of his penile vessels was ruptured (hence deminished amount of blood was going to his dick).
    I think he went through surgery and everything was ok ever since.

    I recommend you to find PASSIONATE urologist and even PAY him for a visit but demand a complete checkover.

    You can also read "your brain on porn" by Gary Wilson. You might find some answers in this book too.

    Don't do anything irrational - everyone struggles with something in live at some point but it is only TEMPORARY.
    Future will bring AI and tech advancements influencing our lives big time. Your problem will be solved it just a matter of time! Good luck brovsky
  15. TheRetainer

    TheRetainer Fapstronaut

    If you are sad, depressed, anxious and crying regulary. You really need to forget about sex. Can you really expect yourself to perform while your in such a bad emotional state.

    Forget about girls, forget about sex. Focus on yourself. Get happy. Get Confident. Then start being around women. Build up slow. Flirt, touch, kiss and when your in the right place witht he right woman youll be fine.

    Theres nothing wrong with you.
  16. aimforthemoon

    aimforthemoon Fapstronaut

    understood, thank you but, I have had so much pain.
  17. aimforthemoon

    aimforthemoon Fapstronaut

    this is my story:

    I am 19 years old. In college. In quarantine. Made a terrible mistake twice in one week.

    Unfortunately, on the morning of May 24 I decided to make the worst mistake of my life. I woke up in the morning, tired, dreary, annoyed. I wanted to masturbate all of my problems away. So, I, regrettably, chose to turn around and hump the mattress instead of using my hand, bc unfortunately I burned my hand when I was cooking a few days before. I knew I had my other hand but I was like, no that’s not the hand that I use so let me just turn around and hump. I’m literally like a few seconds I came and then I turned over on my side and felt pain in my anus. Then, I realized I was completely numb from my penis to my testicles. I was so confused and distraught. I had so much homework and things to accomplish that day. So when the day went on I just ignored it and did my work. Then a four days later, on May the 28, I panicked. I was freaking out when I was doing an assignment for school. I thought I was never going to be able to please my future wife, so I switched to conventional masturbating. I slightly pulled my penis up and down and in a few seconds I came again. However, this impulsiveness was an even worse mistake. As I was coming up after I started to ejaculate, I felt my muscles contract in my pelvis and I noticed that I was completely constipated and I could not feel my erected penis anymore. it’s like my erected penis lost life. The sensation was completely gone. Additionally, I had right testicular pain and right groin pain.

    After that day I was still getting erections even though it wasn’t as high and prominent as usual. Every day after that I felt worse and worse. Almost like I couldn’t sit down and was feeling sick. So I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment and they couldn’t even get my blood work because I had not been drinking water ever since I moved to the area I was at like a year ago. later that night, I was hanging out with my girlfriend and I just kept feeling worse and worse. After dropping my girlfriend and her sister off. I went home and I felt so much pain in my pelvis, my penis, my abdomen, my balls, and my anus. It was completely a horrible and painful experience. It was so bad I had to go to the ER. after they did CT scans on my pelvis and abdomen it all came back clean with no issues at all. Then, I started drinking water and a lot of symptoms started to get better, even though I had a lot of inconstinence. I had to go to the restroom every 30 minutes it felt like. however, I still could not sit down and I had a multitude of pain throughout both sides of my back for weeks. I also went to see an urologist and he did a physical examination on me and said I have nothing to worry about, I told him that I did prone and how I didn’t know what I was doing. he said just to never do it again.

    Since then, I have been drinking lots of water, taking magnesium supplements, taking zinc supplements, and getting plenty of rest. Additionally, I am basically always laying down or standing up unless I have work to do. When I sit down for too long I still feel burning and it’s uncomfortable. I have been doing nofap for 55 days, a lot of the pain has gone down. Even though, it is still uncomfortable. My penis is still desensitized except for the top/tip of my penis and I get these hourglass shapes on my penis from time time. Every now and then, especially when I need to poop. It’s still hard to consistently poop freely like I used to. Sometimes it’s like my penis and anus muscles are glitching to figure out whose turn is it to move. A lot of my inconstinence has gone down and I feel like I am now starting to have a tiny bit of control over my bladder. my testicular pain and right groin pain have gone. I am now trying to start walking again every morning. Can barely sit down for more than 30 minutes. I still feel this bubbling in my perineum. I still feel disconnected from my penis after getting so many boners and huge erections over the period of my life. I truly miss them.

    I don’t know what I have tbh, did I damage my nerves permanently? Do I have pudendal neuralgia? Is this a PSL injury? Did I destroy a certain nerve that gave me sensations to my penis? If I did not damage them, how long will it take for me to heal? My pelvic floor feels sore. I barely can lift up my penis. I can jult/flex my penis but my penis barely moves, it moves mostly on the top half or when it is erect. I still have random like worms crawling through my back sometimes. I don’t know if I will ever fully recover but I am truly truly planning on never masturbating again for 4 years before I can hopefully marry my future wife. Honestly, I am just hoping that I can heal and still have kids one day. Holding out hope that I won’t have permanent impotence. I am truly sorry for my terrible sin. I thought I was invincible and clearly I was not. I had so many thoughts going through my head of wow I really was stupid enough to relapse and maybe I really can’t have kids now. Additionally, I felt like my life was worth nothing. This is the first time I ever felt truly depressed. I was not wise. Masturbation is not worth it and I should have been on these forums years/months ago. I encourage that you tell all of your peers and friends who masturbate to avoid this at all costs by joining the forums and engaging and reading this informational stuff. If I had kept reading into these forums before these injuries I would be completely healthy and fun by now. I still haven’t told anyone exactly what I did, until now.

    This has been a horrible roller coaster ride and I would not want anyone to go through this. The ironic thing is, I barely even masturbate to begin with. I feel like a lot of things I didn’t take into consideration and it caused my downfall. I am telling you all please stop masturbating or at least never do prone again. Additionally, if you do prone make sure to not relapse as fast as I did bc it can have terrible effects, like numbing all of your genitals. please wait 3 weeks to a month at least. Make sure to tell someone you trust if you ever go numb so you can save yourself from this misery. If I had done that I would have never relapsed and I would have been fine by now. now my penis keeps glitching with different shapes and sizes, and sometimes it even drops down when it’s half erected. I also have barely any libido and can barely make myself horny enough to get erections that I used to get consistently. I don’t think this is a flatline because I was numb and then instantly no sensation. Also, I did get diagnosed with bilateral testicular microlithiasis after ultrasound on my testicles.

    I didn’t realize how great life was without ever falling. I fell into needless traps fills with my desires. I had plenty of brain fog and I always felt like the chillest person in the room despite barely even fapping, even though my penis was too extremely sensitive. I always felt like my penis was going to explode out of my pants. I remember that when I was a kid this happened to me but I did not relapse, I waited until my penis was in an hourglass shape multiple times and gave me excruciating pain. Then, one day I randomly came back to normal for many many years. The irony of it, was I didn’t even remember that until after I relapsed. Extremely bad timing. All I can do is hope, pray, relax, and continue in this quarantine. I hope you all stay safe and hopefully reply with some insightful information. Any comments are welcome. Hopefully you can read my story and have thoughts!
  18. phwrancesco

    phwrancesco Fapstronaut

    if you keep releasing your energy constantly be masturbating is perfectly normal not to feel desire other than that. I really don't see whats wrong here.
  19. vril

    vril Fapstronaut

    I'm certainly no doctor, but it sounds like you need to give your penis time to heal. And that means that you need to quit abusing yourself.

    My suggestion is you try the re-boot for 90 days with no porn or masturbation, if for no other reason than to give your penis a break. (Sorry about the bad pun)

    You need to cut off access to porn to do that. In the mean time, I would look into a meditation practice and feeding your mind on something written by enlightened beings. You are searching for happiness in instant gratification and that will only make you a miserable wretch. But you can be happy regardless of what is going on in your life -- including your penis not working.

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