I'm trying to win my ex back - My letter for her

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by MJ93, Feb 13, 2020.

  1. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

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    Ok, so.. since last Monday when I lost my girlfriend after confessing to her about my PMO addiction, I couldn't handle my heart being broken. I feel that I can't go on without her. Knowing that I terribly screwed up during my relationship with her, I can't cope with it, and it was my fault. I decided to find a way to win her back. It took me two days to work on it to send it to her by e-mail, because she blocked me on facebook. Ok, so.. here's my letter. Let me know what you guys think. If there's anything that can be fixed, let me know. Here it is:

    "Dear, Jennifer:

    Let me be the first to say, happy Valentine's day. I'm only dropping by and hoping that everything's all well over there.

    This will be my last message that I will send you for now on. And yes, it's long.
    You don't have to reply to me if you don't want to. But I wish for you to take the time to read it all the way to the end at least for once. Please?

    About our last conversation that we had. I know you were very angry. It tore us apart. I never wanted to lose you that way.

    I know you don't want to be any part of it, but let me explain what I've done after:

    I thought about what you said to me about figuring it out, and I already did. I've realized that what I've done to myself can also hurt everyone else that I love and care about the most, especially you, even without noticing it. It's truly a difficult thing to handle. I know you do NOT have any tolerance for porn, and neither do I. That's why I left this addiction past behind, and it's for the sake of my own life, to be better, and to be free from it. I truly see and respect women as human beings. I won't lie to you on that. Plus, when you told me your reason you had a divorce from your ex, I didn't know about that before, and I'm truly sorry for what happened back then. It was never my intention to try putting you in this when I asked for support. It was never my intention to drive you away like this either. Knowing that it was wrong for me to hide something terrible that can affect us. It's not fair for you. It's not your fault, It's mine. I completely regret screwing up.

    The reason I never told you about this before is because I was afraid, I was terrified, I was a true coward. And I was very irresponsible. I have no excuse. It was my fault for causing tremendous pain to you. I have already faced the terrible consequences, I have faced my worst punishment, I have paid the massive price for it, and again, I left the addiction completely past behind. Just because I've made the same mistake to myself many times before, it does NOT mean that I will keep doing it. I'm not a bad person.. I never was. And I'm not a pervert either. I know much better than that. I'm only learning from my own mistakes, to make sure it won't ever happen again. Everyone makes mistakes. We all do. And as frustrating as it can be, but it's part of life. I already accepted my responsibilities.

    I wish to start all over and I wish to win you back. I became ready to grow. Please, don't ever block me anymore. Don't be done with me like this. I know you think I don't deserve you anymore because of my confession, but all I ask of you is one more chance, to show you my redemption, to show that I can change, and that I can be better. I truly mean it. You don't have to trust me, but at least give me one more chance to be better. I still can't give up on you, and I won't. I've failed you terribly, but I will never fail again.

    When you blocked me, I felt completely devastated. My heart was shattered to pieces. I cried my eyes out. I couldn't even breathe. Knowing that I lost my best friend in the world that I have known for many years had left me feeling broken and dead inside, without knowing what to do. I believe that the reason you blocked me is not only because of my terrible confession, but also because you learned that I'm mentally and emotionally weak. Well, I won't allow myself to feel that way anymore.

    And since you've known me for a very long time, you also know that I've always been nothing but nice, and sweet, and cheerful to you all the time, because I care about you. Think about the days when I made you happy, when I gave you all the love and joy everyday. When we even talked about our own mistakes. When you were sad, I made you smile. When you were alone, I gave you company. When you were feeling down, I cheered you up. When you needed someone to listen to your songs, I was there for them. Don't let our love end this way. Don't let it go to a waste like it's nothing. I can't live without you. You're the only person who I've talked to everyday.

    Well, I don't know what else to say. But if you can take the time to find a little space in your heart to forgive me and accept me back, I would be really happy and glad again. And at least unblocking me on facebook and have me back there would also be appreciating. But if you won't do any of those, then this is truly goodbye forever. At least I tried everything. I won't judge you for that. Even though you don't love me anymore and you hate me now, but deep down inside I will always love you, I will always care bout you, I will always support you, and I will always be in your heart. You will always be special to me. And I will never stop thinking about you. I know you deserve a lot better, and so do I. I wish for you a great and better life.

    If you don't want to reply right now, it's ok, I understand. Take all the time you need to think about it after reading all this. But if you feel ready to reply anytime, I'll be waiting for you with patience, no matter how long it takes. Until then, so long, my dear Jen. Thank you so much for reading all this. I hope you have a great day. I love you so much, forever and ever, 'till death and after death. I hope we can talk again in the future. Sending you hugs and kisses your way. Take good care.

    I still have faith in you, Jen. I always will, no matter what.

    Oh, and there's one last thing I have for you: "


    So, what are you thoughts on this?
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2020
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  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Were you using porn while in a relationship with her and did you lie about it? Because if you did then you can’t say “ I would never hurt you or lie to you”. If you knew she felt strongly about porn and didn’t tell her, that too is lying by omission. As someone who’s been married for 28 years, the lies are what kills the relationship. The porn cripples it but the lies kill it.
     
  3. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

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    I believe you're right. I'm sorry. I'll get that fixed.
     
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  4. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I’m not trying to make you feel bad, I’m just letting you know how I would think or feel if my husband write that to me. I know he loves me, as you do her. However, once trust has been broken, it’s very hard to repair. If you say things that are contradictory, then she will only believe it’s the same old thing. She won’t believe you mean it.
     
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  5. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Good luck. A long lasting relationship is not built on lies. It’s built on trust, friendship, love, attraction and respect.
     
  6. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

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    I understand. And thank you.
     
  7. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

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    Yes, exactly. That's what I've needed to work on.
     
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  8. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    Consider a marketing concept. Two letters. Make the first one only 3/4 of a page... very non-threatening. Get to the point with what matters most.

    Then, pour your heart out in a longer one. Talk about the things you remember that you will value -- let her know the time she spent with you was worthwhile. Tell her you're going to grow from this experience no matter what. Tell her that you'd love to maintain a friendship of some sort even though you're far away. Tell her the kinds of things you'd like to have been able to do with her. Tell her about the talents she has that you admire. Tell her why you think she'd be amazing with a family.

    In doing all that, you're rebuilding trust. And, you're showing her that not everything was broken or a waste. You're a person and mistakes are part of life, but you're always going to learn to be better.
     
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  9. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you very much.
     
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  10. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

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    I already added a few more like you told me to. And again, thank you so much.
     
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  11. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

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    I just edited my letter
     
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  12. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    You're a great guy showing a lot of insight. I don't think she is done with you forever, just shell shocked. If I were you, I would remove the following:

    Phrases about you two being friends/family: see, here is were the problem is. Porn steals the passion and desire and leaves only the friendship (at best). Women dealing with PAs learn to loathe the phrase "friendship", because it downplays the desire that a woman craves, and to top it up, it robs her of feeling feminine. It's like being called "the nice guy". For example; "I see Rob as a nice guy, a great friend. I see Rick as funny and hot". Which description would you like from a woman you're in love with? Would you wanna be Rob, the friendzoned, or Rick, the desired? Now she feels friendzoned, and she feels like porn is the desired third person.

    ... And then add a deeper understanding of her feelings: "I am afraid you feel... (unloved, disrespected, lesser than...), but that's not the case". Or, "I wanted to be straight with you, now and always, because I know lies damage you badly and make you feel traumatized and afraid, which is very understandable". Or, "you blocked me to protect yourself and your feelings, but from now on, you can rest assured I will protect you and never take your feelings for granted". The more you can delve into her perceived hurt, the better.

    Any man that can make a woman feel safe, desired and understood will be very hard for her to resist.
     
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  13. SpaceGirl1

    SpaceGirl1 Fapstronaut

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    @MJ Elite
    It’s very possible that you’re interpreting her reaction to your porn addiction in the wrong way. When you truly love someone you can’t just flip a switch and stop loving them. It may very well be possible that she had to decide if she had the strength and energy to support someone through their addiction recovery. My husband and I were married 19yrs when he finally admitted it and this with me addressing the issue for years and him denying it. At 19yrs of marriage and 2 kids I had to stop and think about if I had it in me to handle the battle that is addiction recovery. If I even wanted to go through it and if our marriage was worth it. So can you imagine with all I had to lose I still needed time to decide whether I should stick around or cut my losses and go, I can only imagine that your ex-gf felt the same. She’s doing what she feels is best for her right now, today. That may change and it may not but as long as you’re obsessing about getting her back you’re taking away any energy you have from successfully quitting. As well you might be setting yourself up for failure with negative self talk that you’re unlovable and not good enough and your life is over. So what might you do ? Turn back to PMO only this time it may get much more out of hand. Focus on you, give yourself a chance to be a better man, clear your mind of everything that’s not related to who YOU want to be.
     
  14. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    I assume you are posting the new version soon?
     
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  15. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

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    Phrase part about friendship... where does it say it again?
     
  16. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

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    It's to send it for her today
     
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  17. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    @MJ Elite
    Your letter is not going to change her mind. I don't mean that in a bad way. She knows who you are, if you and her were as close as you have said you are, your actions from your past will bear 10,000 times more weight than a letter. *If* you had been an awesome enough boyfriend in spite of your porn revelation, she is likely to come back to you. But, she is going to need some time.

    Think of what is happening on her end.

    Order of Events:
    1. She thought she had found her future husband.
    2. (from her perspective) Her future husband just told her she is not attractive enough and that he needs porn to be happy, even though she has been there for him.
    3. The future she had in her head of a happy marriage and an awesome husband just came crashing down, it is in ruins.
    4. Now there is anger, confusion, fear about the future. Anger at you for dropping an atomic bomb on her life. The idea of being around you makes her sick. She will say anything in her anger, she doesn't even know how to cope.
    5. She blocks you. Not a very surprising turn of events. Even less surprising if she previously thought you were her future husband.
    6. Eventually, her anger subsides and she is able to start processing how to move forward. With the anger lessened, there is enough room for her to consider her options. If you really were a great boyfriend, she will consider forgiving you, she will remember all the good times and she will have to make a mental ledger of the good and the bad and decide if you are worth a second chance. If she does give you another chance, she is taking a big risk, because she knows you are more likely to fail again in the future and if you all get married, it will be even harder to walk away at that point.

    You are at #5 now. Your letter might help things go from #5 to #6 a little faster, but ultimately, it is going to take time (weeks, months, maybe more than a year), you can't rush it, you shouldn't rush it. It seems like you are trying to rush it (I know I would be). A hard thing you will have to do is come to grips with the fact that she will need time to move forward and you will be left in the dark during that time. If you were an excellent boyfriend like your letter portrays, she will probably come back to you.

    My recommendation for your letter:
    a. Make the letter shorter.
    b. Focus on letting her know that when she is ready, you will be waiting. Validate her feelings. Let her know you are addressing your addiction and will stop. Be strong, confident, empathetic, and don't lie or be fake (doing all of those things at the same time is going to be hard).
    c. Don't focus too much on reminding her why she should come back to you. Your previous actions will speak for themselves.
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2020
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  18. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    This indicates that you don't understand why she got hurt. No 1 rule is that you have to understand why she felt like she did, agree with her, own responsibility and respect her feelings 100%.

    She wanna be your goddess, not your sister.
     
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  19. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

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    Hold on. How can I find a way to validate her feelings?
     
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  20. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

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    Got them removed. Thanks.
     
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