I'm trying to win my ex back - My letter for her

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by MJ93, Feb 13, 2020.

  1. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    When I wrote this:
    "Focus on letting her know that when she is ready, you will be waiting. Validate her feelings. Let her know you are addressing your addiction and will stop. Be strong, confident, empathetic, and don't lie or be fake (doing all of those things at the same time is going to be hard)."

    I hope you didn't think I meant that your letter didn't contain any of those things. Parts of your letter already address those things. I was just being clear, that when you go to edit your letter, to keep the focus on those things.

    As for validating her feelings. #1 Do not invalidate her feelings by complaining about her reaction. (I don't think you did this in your letter). #2 here is an example of validating: "I know you are angry. I am sorry for causing you such a tremendous amount of pain."

    You are letting her know that you agree with her. You don't need to agree with every action she takes or understand everything she does, but you do need to give her space to grieve the way she is going to grieve and not judge her for how she is going to process the destruction you caused.
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2020
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  2. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    Ok. I'll try.
     
  3. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    I'm gonna try sending it to her by email. I just hope that she read it this time. :emoji_pray:
     
  4. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    Be strong. She will almost certainly read it. It is very likely she won't respond or responds and says some hurtful things. Less likely that she will do or say anything you want her to do or say. Prepare yourself to expect the worst and don't respond to her anger... i would not respond at all until she reaches out to you seeking positive attention. If she wants you, she will reach out eventually.

    Maybe, if you don't hear from her after a couple of weeks, think about a followup email with a similar theme. I think the spouses on nofap probably have better advice about how to properly give her space.
     
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  5. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    That's what I'm afraid of
     
  6. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

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    I find @Coco99 advice from your other thread quite good. Don’t send any letter.

    Also in your letter you speak about ‘showing her that you are emotionally weak’, this letter will show it. Begging her now will make your situation way worse.
    wish you luck in any case
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2020
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  7. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    Too late, I already did
     
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  8. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

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    As I said, I wish you luck and I hope that you were right and I was wrong.
    In any case what’s destined to be yours, will be yours, stay strong
     
  9. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    Now you tell me that? And I sent it to her 3 hours ago! Great! Just great!
     
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  10. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

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    It’s just my opinion, would you listen to me or to others on this thread? idk
    maybe what you did is the right thing, who knows
     
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  11. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

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  12. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    There's one more thing I forgot to mention about that: I NEVER told her that she was not attractive enough, because it's not true. And I NEVER told her or anyone else that I needed porn or that it makes me "happy" because It never made me happy at all.
     
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  13. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

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    @MJ Elite I want to give you my sincere opinion and advice (if you want I will delete it from your thread)

    You f'ed up with this letter (and with her), but for good. It's good that you have sent this letter because she doesn't deserve you (she shouldn't at least react this way on finding out your porn addiction, regarding your long-term friendship).
    Don't you think that you put her on pedestal? (obviously I don't know her, but you said that she is divorced, so haven't saved her previous relationship, that's to see). So probably it's better to get separated with her now than if it goes further (or if she just puts you as her plan B).

    It's probably very hard for you now, but now it's time to forget about her (delete everything) and focus on yourself. I was also (and still have problems) 'needy' guy wanting approval from women. It doesn't work that way, you will be used. I strongly recommend you to start to educate yourself about various topics concerning relationship with women (nice guy syndrome, how they think and how they are different from us (men), even try to find out divorce rate statistics in your country).
    The analogy for a healthy relationship: you are businessman (man) and you are trying to find employee (woman) for your business, who will meet your requirements (it's up to you, ofc you need also correspond by yourself what you demand from woman). You define boundaries and you determine the general course of your relationship.
    Hope in time you will be smiling at your current situation and won't understand why it seemed so bad.
    Wish you to build a healthy relationship with a good girl.
     
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  14. Coco99

    Coco99 Fapstronaut

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    100%. I know its hard. Some days will be ok and some days you want to reach out so badly. I have gone through this and nothing anyone says here will help you cope with the pain. You just have to find a way to let it go and be a strong individual. Think about it from a girls perspective. Would you want a weak you? Work on yourself bro and good things will happen
     
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  15. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    On the contrary, it is I who doesn't deserve her. But still, you could've at least told me much earlier about that one part of my letter that shouldn't be said before I sent it to her. Just saying.
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2020
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  16. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

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    I don’t think you should have sent her letter at all.
    But OK, what makes you think that you don’t deserve her? What she has done so special for you during your relationship, can you say?
     
  17. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    No worries. I had assumed you never told her those things. That is why I preceded the statement with "From her perspective". You don't have to actually say those things or even feel that way, she is probably going to feel that way regardless of whether or not it is true. How do I know? Well, because that is how my wife felt and I think every spouse of a porn addict on nofap has made similar comments. I too, always found my wife attractive, I never said she was unattractive, but when I told her about my porn addiction, she told me that is how I made her feel. I made her feel unattractive and not good enough.

    Try some role reversal, if you caught your girlfriend masturbating to a muscular, burly, mature male that looked very different than you, would you not feel inadequate and unattractive? Some men are mature enough to handle that, but most are not, I am not. Yet, us dudes, do it and assume it isn't a big deal to our significant others.

    @Metis07, I hated when you wrote "You f'ed up with this letter (and with her), but for good."

    Keep things in perspective. @MJ Elite has been with this girl for a long time. She already knows about his flaws, she probably already expected him to respond in the way that he did. This is a hard situation for both of them and no one is going to deal with the problem perfectly. We don't enter marriages or serious relationships perfect, we enter marriages hopeful, flawed, immature, and confused. Marriage isn't about finding the perfect person, it is about finding someone who is willing to grow and experience life with you for the long haul. If you want to "perfect" yourself before marriage, good luck, because you will never be perfect and you might pass up opportunities to share your life with some amazing women.

    One letter is NOT going to make a big difference. And, if MJ Elite came across sounding weak or shaken, then fine, hopefully the better parts of the letter shine through, or the good memories from the past take precedent. Conversely, not sending a letter might make his girlfriend think he wasn't taking the problem seriously and didn't really care. Also, there were at least 2 mature women on this thread that read the first draft of the letter and neither of those women said he shouldn't send it. There is rarely one correct path in life and this letter is no different. Hell, we could have written the letter for him or told him exactly how to proceed, but he had to be himself, and we did our best to help him walk through the fire a little more easily.

    @MJ Elite, fix your porn addiction. As for your girlfriend, wait and see what happens. Each day that passes will lower your anxiety and hers. 3 weeks from now, you will feel a lot better, you will get through this, humans are strong and you are strong. Please try not to overthink this whole thing and work on being patient.
     
  18. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    She made me a collage photo of me and her

    Then why didn't you stop me earlier?
     
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  19. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    @JustADude Thank you. And no, I'm not gonna "fix" my porn addiction! I'm gonna KILL IT, and then leaving it past behind dead and I'll be free from it!
     
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  20. I had a crush on a girl in the 4th grade. As time passed, we went to different middle schools, and then we went to different high schools. I still missed her. (Note that I never got her back. I don't care now.) I would think about her a lot, and although porn wasn't the reason we aren't together, I loved her with all my heart. It's possible she didn't like me. Even then, I loved her, but I moved on.


    However, your case is completely different. The two of you (you and Jennifer) were really close. Me and my crush weren't at all. I was too shy and didn't have the guts to say a thing. I understand your pain right now man, don't ever give up.


    Love is a very strong feeling. Two people that are really close love each other with all their heart. But, suddenly, everything vanished for you. You confessed, I understand, you wanted to get that out. You were sick and tired of not telling her.


    Again, don't give up man, but at the same time, don't act desperate. Once you send that letter, don't send another one.


    Anytime you have a problem, say this to yourself: I CAN, I WILL, I MUST!

    Again! I CAN, I WILL, I MUST!
     
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