I'm trying to win my ex back - My letter for her

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by MJ93, Feb 13, 2020.

  1. The time is now @MJ Elite. I'm sure that the moment your girlfriend left you, you gained a TON of willpower. If you did gain willpower, you are now in WAR WITH PORN!!! The battle with you and porn started 4 days ago. I believe that the moment you gain willpower, you only have one chance to win against porn / ONE chance to get your girlfriend back. Don't lose man! I may only be 16 years old, I may have never had a girlfriend, I may have never gone on a date, I may have never kissed a girl, etc, but let me say this: Without willpower, hatred, seriousness, motivation, confidence, and memory, you'll lose. So give it everything that you got!

    I don't give a crap that I'm talking to people way older than me. The same advice goes to all of you as well:

    The root of beating this horrible addiction is memory. Without memory, you're toast. So remember your hatred and seriousness every day.

    In life, every person has feelings for someone. The strength of that feeling is different. The people that are closest to us have 10 times more strength than those that are not close to us.

    Your strength is extremely strong. Do your best to not act desperate. I have finally read your entire journal. I now know that you have sent her the letter. However, don't think about when she will respond. As one or some people have said, this will take time. I also agree to that.

    So far, my favorite post on this journal is the last one,

    "@JustADude Thank you. And no, I'm not gonna "fix" my porn addiction! I'm gonna KILL IT, and then leaving it past behind dead and I'll be free from it!"

    Man, I love those two key words, "KILL IT"! That's right! You're heading in the right direction!

    Never give up in the battle against porn! I don't care if there are 100,000 urges or a trillion urges!!! Fight back with everything! Rely on your original thoughts (In this case in particular, it's the thoughts that you had immediately after your girlfriend broke up with you and the thoughts that you had immediately after you fapped off 4 days ago.).

    Lastly, I must say this: If you're taking any medicine that's messing your life up, get off of it immediately. Don't tell me if you are on some, as that's none of my business, but if you are, get off of it immediately.

    I'm not saying that you're on any medicine and that it's the reason why your girlfriend broke up with you, it's just some advice if it's causing a problem with other things in your life.

    I'll be here @MJ Elite anytime you need me. You can also post in my journal, Fighting for a new life.

    Here's the link: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/fighting-for-a-new-life.262612/
    MJ93, ikerxkenshin and Metis07 like this.
  2. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

    That's what I hate, as they were friends for a long time, at least he had a right for an explanation, not just blocking him out.

    Try some role reversal (no one caught him masturbating), she is porn addict and she confesses about her addiction, you just stop talking to her and block her everywhere, does it seem OK?

    I gave you my advice as soon as I have read your thread, assuming that probably you haven't sent your letter yet.

    I mean what she did for you during your relationship - has she invested her time and money in your relationship, cooked, cleaned, gave you presents (and have you done so)? The more we invest, the more we value such relationship and the more we want our ex back (because we have invest a lot, for example).
    Again - what makes you think that you don't deserve her?

    Doesn't mean anything. From my point of view such letter would be OK (PROBABLY), if you were married with kids, went thought a lot of ups and downs together and then you hurt her with some stuff (big one).
    What I wanted to say in whole don't be such guy

    What is important now is that you use all your negative feelings and experience for your self-development and killing your porn addiction.
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2020
  3. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    I get the feeling you have not had a lot of close relationships with women in your life. That statement is not an insult.

    Women are different. For example... don't do this (I know because I have done this many times):

    Go piss a woman off. I mean, really piss her off. So pissed that she has a blood flushed face, yelling, saying all sorts of mean stuff. Then, try and logically explain to her why she shouldn't be mad.

    I think you already know what would happen. She would grab the closest heavy object and knock you unconscious (I am partly joking).

    You know... guys can be similar too. I think we tend to put value in logic even when we are pissed and women put value on feelings when they are pissed. But, our guy logic gets all screwed up when we are pissed, we can't think straight and our logic doesn't make sense to the outside world. And it isn't just when we are pissed, it is also when we have super high anxiety, basically whenever we are in what I would refer to as 'Crisis' mode.

    My point is this. I am responding to your indignation towards @MJ Elite's girlfriend. He pissed her off. She is in a personal crisis. Once a person gets into that mindset, we need to give them space. Don't expect a person in crisis to behave perfectly or logically or sane. If you choose to require sanity when someone is in crisis, you are being an asshole. My son goes into crisis mode easily, for some really silly stuff, like... he can't figure out how to work the dishwasher. All I can do is let him calm down and let his anxiety pass, then, he can move on and be reasoned with.

    Maybe his girlfriend never really liked him. Or maybe his girlfriend did like him but in the end will be unwilling to forgive him. Or maybe she will come back to him. We don't know. @MJ Elite is going to have to see how it plays out. In the end, if he handles the situation in a healthy way, regardless of the outcome he will come out a stronger person. Let's just support his decision to try and work things out with her.
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2020
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  4. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    To be honest. I thought that to build our relationship stronger and to trust each other, we had to be honest with each other without telling lies. I was being honest with her about my battle against pmo addiction, but I wasn't ready to break up, I didn't want to lose her that way. I even told her that this year we were gonna make our love stronger everlasting, and she agreed on that. But now look, it became a total waste. Telling her about my addiction was a terrible idea, I don't give a shit if it was the right thing. I just wish she was still here. :(:(
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2020
  5. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    And yeah, I agree don't be THAT guy. I can't read the title... is he proposing or groveling because he cheated?

    I too don't like sniveling and groveling men who put women on a pedestal.

    Moments of weakness, being strong while being empathetic, being able to cry, that kind of stuff... that is ok. You can't be close to someone if you are too afraid to be weak around them. If you just want sex, then be the perfectly strong and mysterious male. But, if you want someone who you can hold tight when your father dies, or someone who will stay with you when your child dies of pneumonia, or someone who will stay by your side as you slowly die from cancer, then you will need to allow yourself to be imperfect and vulnerable with that person.
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  6. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    We were in a long distance relationship.

    And here's why I don't deserve her: As much as I love her and value her, but I was afraid to tell her about my addiction, and back then I never knew her reason when she divorced from her ex until she told me that. I was irresponsible for that, and I was a coward. It was never right for me to hide my PMO addiction as a secret during a relationship.
  7. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

    Have you met each over regularly?
    Long distance relationship = relationship with imaginary character, which you create in your head based on her/his messages
    Also to understand this situation a little bit better please answer these questions: it’s correct that you are 26 y.o.? you have been raised in a full family and your father and mother both were involved in parenting?
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2020
  8. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    To understand better? Or to humiliate me more? Sorry, but I'm not gonna fall for that!

    She was not imaginary. I knew her for many years.
  9. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

    Question about your age - if you are young and it’s your first love for example such letter is very good thing.
    Question about your family - just to have some insight on your perception of relationship with women.
    I didn’t say that she is imaginary and I didn’t want to humiliate you, knowing better your situation makes it easier to give you some valuable advices.
    Long distance relationship (especially if you have never met, just by means of communication) differs from relationship ‘in flesh and blood’, that’s all, it depends how often do you see each other also.
    I see that you don’t understand completely what I am trying to say, so our conversation is meaningless, sorry if I hurt your feelings in any way, I didn’t mean it. Good luck and bye
  10. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    Ok, look. This was not my first time falling in love with someone.

    Ok, fine. I grew up with my mom and my grandma. My dad used to be nice, but then he stopped giving a shit about me after I turned 18. There.
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  11. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

    I have only one advice - read one of these two books:
    ‘Not nice’ or
    ‘No more mr nice guy’
    (‘Not nice’ is recommended over second one by many users on this forum, I am reading second one, but intend to read first one also).

    I understand that you don’t want to share your personal details here, me neither, you can pm me anytime if you want.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  12. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    Where I live, they don't sell much books like these you mentioned.

    I was looking on youtube about caring too much, and then I looked back at my message I sent....

    You were right. I did fuck up with my message. I went way too overboard. Now she hates me even more :(:(
  13. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

    I think you can find them in internet (order in amazon or buy/download pdf version).

    We don’t know for sure if it was wrong or right to sent your letter, now you need to work on probable (I say probable because maybe it’s not you but she) causes of your break up with this girl coming from your side (pmo, some mistakes during your relationship (read this book), etc.), that’s why it’s better to forget about just getting her back at any price, show some self care and aim at self development.
    If you don’t work on the cause of the problem (breakup), but try to resolve this problem instead (getting her back), you will have the same problem sooner or later (with her or any girl you will have relationship in future).
    Do it for YOURSELF, you can use motivation coming from breakup’s negative feelings or coming from love for her, but firstly do it for YOURSELF
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  14. fredisthebes

    fredisthebes Fapstronaut

    In my late twenties/early thirties I was absolutely obsessed with getting back with a girl who dumped me, by text message, out of the blue. We weren't living together but had talked about marriage etc, was pretty serious until about a week before this happened. I sent some pretty pathetic messages early on, but then did a load of research online - here's what I learned.

    Some women want to talk about it endlessly, some want space. She has blocked you - this means, she doesn't want to talk about it at the moment. The letter is fine, whatever, it happened. Now give her the space she needs. Most websites recommend 30 days 'no contact'. Don't look at her facebook, etc, try not to think about her as much as possible (I know it's hard). She's probably not going to get into a long term relationship again immediately (even if she does, it probably won't last). So relax, take your time. You need to get your mojo back.

    Needless to say, work on yourself during this time as much as you possibly can. You won't feel like it - but do it anyway. It's a great time for hard gym sessions, new studying, get into reading or a new hobby etc. All that time you used to waste on her - give it back to yourself for a while :)

    Before you meet up with your ex again, or even before you message her - go on (at least) two dates. Use a dating site, ask a girl at a cafe, at work, whatever. Nothing serious (unless you want it to be!).

    There are also written exercises you can do during this time, I forget exactly, but things like - write out the 'story' of your relationship, how it started etc. Write out all the things that you like about yourself as if you are another person (this is VERY helpful if you have negative opinions about yourself after how you were treated, write out as many positive things as you can think of and read through them every day), write down positive memories about you and your ex, things that you did together when times were good, etc.

    Your first message(s) should be non-committal, something like 'I saw xxxxx and it reminded me of xxxxx (positive memory that you have together).' No questions, no demands or neediness. Just a little reminder and a suggestion that you are still thinking of her and your time together.

    If you get a positive response, you can escalate to more intimate memories, telling her that you miss her etc. or that you were a great couple (keep it positive!), and then asking her out for a drink etc. If you get no response, give it a week or so and try again with something else. If you get her on a date - try not to talk exclusively about the past. Have a few stories ready from all the fun things you have done during your 30 days no contact - she doesn't want to go out with a loser who lay in bed crying for a month.

    And DEFINITELY don't have a go at her for breaking up with you. You need to forgive her and move on from that if you have any chance at all. If you can't forgive her, you won't be able to have a relationship with her any more. This is ultimately what made it fail for me, though I got to the point where we were regularly 'dating' again, every time I would have a drink or two I would start trying to make her feel bad for what she did to me and the way she went about it. You can't have a relationship with someone you can't forgive. Thankfully I met a lovely new girl soon after this realisation, so I am ultimately happy with the way things turned out.

    It is harder overall than finding a new girlfriend - so be open to that too! - but it is possible, usually. The above will make it more likely to succeed, but it will also improve your mindset so that you can move on, if necessary, as frightening as that idea probably feels right now. Best of luck!
  15. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    It's not gonna be an easy thing for me to do, but I'll keep trying
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2020
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  16. Coco99

    Coco99 Fapstronaut

    I don't think she hates you more.She may not care about the email you sent. You just have to go full out No contact now so that you are in a stable position
  17. Coco99

    Coco99 Fapstronaut

    What @fredisthebes said is true. I have done the 30 day rule and when I found out it didn't work I was shattered. At this point I wouldn't even try to reach out. She has your number, if she wants to talk to you she knows where to reach. If you try to move on with the mindset that there is hope for you guys to get back together then you will only drown yourself in pain. You have already done your part with the letter. Just let it go and take care of yourself
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  18. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

    Im going to be blunt here, it might hurt but at the moment I think you need to hear this. I am the partner of an addict who is in recovery - he was my best friend for 10 years before we got together, I am experienced to give you advice.

    You are in denial.

    I don’t truly think you have grasped the situation or the severity of what you have done or the damage your addiction has done to her. She is HURTING because you made a choice to either lie to her about the use of porn or lie by omission. You may not have said specifically that you did not desire her or wanted someone else but your actions proved that. By choosing porn over her you make the conscious choice to deny her the intimacy that she deserves.

    She has every right to feel safe in her relationship, your actions have made her feel the opposite. Her world has came crashing down by the person who is supposed to help support it. For those saying she doesn’t deserve you because she walked away, that is wrong on so many levels. She never chose to enter a relationship with an addict, by not telling her you took that choice away. She is taking her choice back and walking away because that is best for her in this situation. She is the victim here. You were aware of everything that was going on, she wasn’t. She was an unwilling participant in all of this.

    Give her space, focus on your own recovery and your triggers. She has her own recovering to do.
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  19. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    That's what I tried to say. It's I who doesn't deserve her. And it's my fault. I felt completely shameful.
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2020
  20. HELL MAN what has gone through your freaking head?! The man who has been motivating me in ways that others haven't is now saying that he wants to kill himself?! I KNOW that you can live through. I've felt like killing myself before (not now though) because of the crazy ass medicine I was taking. I didn't know what to do. My life was controlled by medicine. I was so crazy that I wrote F*** on my bedroom wall and got sent to a therapy place for 9 days. Like you, I was desperate for a girl that I really liked. We both didn't get the people we wanted forever. However, the difference between the me 2 years ago and the you now is that the me from 2 years ago couldn't help but feel those feelings of annoyance and the you from the present CAN help those feelings of regret and hatred. Unlike me from the past, the present you CAN be in control of yourself as long as you BELIEVE you can.

    HELL MAN, you do deserve another chance!!! Didn't you ever stop to wonder that you were going to look at porn as a young kid, no matter what your parents/guardians told you?! I'm not mad at you, but just stop and think about it!!!

    This man, this person, this incredible 26-year-old who motivated me in ways that others haven't is now going to demotivate himself, but not just that, kill himself?! No way! I may never be able to see the inside of a person, but I can sometimes see the outside! The 'outside' you created a journal about a letter that you sent to your ex-girlfriend. Wanna know something else? The 'outside' you texted his 'inside feelings' to get them out there!

    I think I can finally use NoFap's slogan,
    "Get a new grip on life"!!! I know you can make it through. Don't give up on yourself. While she may not love you anymore and while that may be tough to hear from anyone, there are tons and tons of tons of fish out there in the sea! There's always one you can have a relationship with, you know?! Your mind is so wrapped up in a bubble that that bubble will not ever pop, unless you pop it yourself!

    Rethink this @MJ Elite. I know you can live the best life ever!!!
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