I'm worried I am forgetting how bad porn is?

It's good you're aware of this pattern, you're definitely not alone. Also the fact that you see it both with drinking and eating is a good insight, and that's why with early recovery they focus on abstinence. Even with stuff you can't be completely abstinent from like food, it's a good idea to cut out stuff you CAN be abstinent from like sugar.

And the point about the search is stronger is accurate, we are addicted to the seeking rather than the pleasure. Even if the pleasure never comes the addictive mind will still keep seeking.

A big part of why people go to recovery meetings is to remember. Even if you're not paying super close attention it's going to sink in to some degree. In early recovery of course our mind isn't working very well, so repetition is pretty much the one tool we have. It's in a sense fight fire with fire, because addiction is repetitive so you repeat the things that are going to remind you to not go back to the addictive behavior, with meetings and reading/educating yourself. After enough repetition you will have a foundation and can go deeper, but it's important to be stable enough to go forward.

 

This are two well known psychological effects experienced by most of people recovering from addiction.

First one is called Classical or Pavlovian Conditioning: Dog->given food + ring a bell = saliva. If you repeat behaviour multiple times you get dog->ring a bell (no food) = saliva Or in our case user -> searching for P + PMO = rise in dopamine repeated many, many times and now now user -> searching for P (without PMO) = rise in dopamine

Second one is called Ego fatigue -> after a long abstention period it's harder and harder to stay motivated. That's why only abstention (= I'm not doing it) without finding and pursuing alternative goal that keeps you motivated (gives you dopamine rise) won't work.

1. Strengthen desire for other goals
- identify and hold on to future goals by envisioning a future self, taking aims, and advancing towards that future self (CBT, mindfulness meditation can help etc.)
2. Self-understanding (depression, anxiety) -> self-forgiveness -> self-trust

 

I think journaling and meditation will help.
You need to reflect back on your past every day through meditation and journaling.
In case of meditation, you can practice the 6-phase meditation and it will certainly help to keep you on track.
In the case of journaling, you can ask 5 questions that will keep you on track every day and write brief answers to those questions.

 

I found your post thoughtful and honest. I can relate in the sense that I, too, relapsed recently, and found the porn itself to be rather boring. I wish that boredom was how I could react whenever that little voice in my head tells me to "just look" at some porn. Maybe with enough effort that will happen! Anyway, keep working at beating this. We all know it's worth it.