Impasse - Battle of Phone Access

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Vixen, Nov 20, 2018.

  1. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Husband refuses to put accountability app on his phone unless I unlock mine. I told him I would give him access once he has regained trust. (Given his recent use of incognito, blantant lying to my face several weeks ago, and relentless gaslighting— there is a long road to magical trust land.)

    He says: “I'm not trying to fix a broken relationship. I'm trying to grow from the ashes of it. We are either going to grow together or we aren't. I'm not interested in your restrictions after the 90 day under any scenario. I feel like the 90 days is wholly unreasonable but am still going on with it. You can consider all the things I have done as progress or not. It's your call. It's your heart. The truth you know may be the only truth you ever know. I want to keep loving you and always will but I cant keep buckling to unhelpful demands. I will put the app on my phone when yours is unlocked. I will take it off at 90 days. I will do what's best for me because you wont let me do what will help us. Please get out the house today and see some sunshine. It's a nice day. I want to know what it will look like after the 90 days. Is it going to be like this? How do you see it changing? I mean realistically.”

    I’ve mentioned the idea we go different directions for Thanksgiving. He responds:

    “Your choices seperate us. Why do you think that's better?”

    I had no say in the way he spent over a decade betraying me. I cannot stomach him trying to dictate how my trust is recovered.

    I guess this is an impasse. Not sure where to go from here. I’m open to marriage counseling. I just feel like he’s making me sick in my core.
     
  2. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    Oooppphhh.
    My SO tried the same thing. Demanding I unlock my phone or he wouldn't keep Ever Accountable on his.
    Stand your ground. If he wants to give you that "after 90 days" BS start making an exit plan. Your recovery is not up to him. It literally took me honestly not giving a shit what my SO did anymore for him to make major attitude changes. He lost me emotionally and has been working hard since to gain my trust and fix us.
    This is so frustrating. I'm sorry you have to go through it.
     
  3. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I thought that was pretty kryptic too. “The truth you know may be the only truth you ever know.” Because he’s so skilled at covering his tracks...

    Thanks for all the remarks, Ghost! You build me up and even made me smile and chuckle a couple times.

    I may still need your help with consequences. I read the thing you sent last time about natural consequences vs punishments. Does that mean I determine a consequence for each unique situation or determine that upfront, umbrella style?
     
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  4. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Well at the moment I think Thanksgiving may be the consequence of him not putting the accountability app back on his phone. Of his own volition he slept on the cot yesterday and yet the day before when I asked him to do so he refused (so I slept in the guest bed/nursery). I don’t get it. Part of me fears he went to the cot to be secretive in whatever phone activity he’s hiding.
     
  5. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    He wants to be in control . He slept in the cot because he CHOSE to ;)
     
  6. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Have you shown him the helping her heal videos? or any of those videos from this guy? They might help him understand that what he is doing isn't going to help you heal and trust.
     
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  7. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Trying! There are some good nuggets in that. I’ve shared it with him. May be a coin toss whether he actually watches it or not. I have a whole audiobook about intimacy betrayal which I’ve suggested a couple times that he listen to— to get an idea of what I’m going through. I don’t think he’s paid any mind to that. But I listened to his audiobook about sex addiction... standard protocol for me to do more work in our relationship.
     
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  8. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I do have moments where I really wonder who he is and what his true motivations are. The last time I knew he was lying, it was eerie how he delivered the lie flawlessly, looking me dead in the eye. I never would have questioned it if I didn’t have proof. No wonder he doesn’t want to have the accountability software. Sidebar: he was also suspiciously vehemently opposed and upset at the notion of taking a polygraph test. I know there are reasons they aren’t great— but the man got riled up about it. And this is the same man that was completely calm the night he confessed his compulsion to chat online with girls (posing as a woman) since he was 14. (Also strange.) I don’t know how deep his dishonesty goes.
     
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  9. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    So tonight he conceded to the accountability software. Huzzah. And then went on to discuss the cycles of badness in our relationship and how we need to set a time limit. He wants some benefit, some excitement out of this. Yeah buddy don’t we all. He’s really squandered a lot of what I have to offer. Years ago I dressed up sexy for him and he laughed. And at the risk of sounding vain I’ll just put it out there that I’m attractive. Even more so before babies. So yeah. This probably needs to be filed somewhere under misdirection but I’m all out of ducks tonight.
     
  10. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Update: I think this video helped soften him! It was at least part of the reason he came around. Thanks again!
     
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  11. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Yay! That's awesome.
     
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  12. ClaritySeeker

    ClaritySeeker Fapstronaut

    May you please explain an accountability app? I may consider telling my SO about this to help me out. Thank you
     
  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'm doing a doug Weiss program right now... He does the helping her heal videos btw
    And he says on apps and 90 days etc
    For the first part and being equal....
    He (your addict) has to turn TWARDS you.
    You don't need to respond until 90 days of continuous improvement and recovery.
    However it does no good for your drunk to be healing and you not to be healing from the drunks damage on the marriage... Essentially,(yes he treats porn - this is the example), if you unlock your phone or get a accountable app, you don't need to respond or give the permission to the addict until after 90 days.
    Give the code to someone else.
    A trusted party.
    It's ok to show your addict you are taking steps to heal, also... But not heal together until they show you that they are also healing in their own..... After the 90 days mark.
    And doug Weiss has had 30 years of experience and success with addiction... So that's his opinion.
    Just FYI.
     
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  14. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Curious— how would an accountability app on my phone for some other trusted person be relevant to my healing?
     
  15. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I’m using Accountable2You but there are other more popular options. (Chose a more secular one since my husband isn’t religious). It monitors and records all his phone activity. It will alert me via text/email if there is questionable activity such as porn, sex, etc. And you can add your own red flag words too.
     
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  16. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    This made me very sad. Does he take an interest in other things you care about or are interested in? I think that acting this way cant be isolated, because most people would probably ignore interests much smaller then this but DEFINATELY take notice of the big hints and interests when a relationship is struggling. The fact he didn't tells me the small things lacked first. This was a way for him to engage in something you identified with and relate your experience but he didn't care?

    Are these moments increasing or decreasing?

    You remembered this from a long time ago. It must have hurt. What happened after it? This is juvenile behavior at best. Please explain that this was a laugh of delight or some type of uncontrollable expression of joy rather then a demeaning or insulting chuckle to express "oh how cute, she is trying to be sexy for me" which is what is sounds like.
     
  17. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Actually often it seems to have the opposite affect. When I was pregnant with our first child he took very little interest in baby related preparations. But then he got a book “And baby makes three” which is basically about knowing what to expect in the marriage to better adapt and circumvent uneccessary, yet common disputes and stress as a couple.

    So he took initiative to buy the book and I was excited. We had alternate work schedules at the time so I suggested we both take turns reading it when we were free and then discuss. The more I read the more I wanted to share and grow with him. Because disputes have been no alien to our relationship. But long story short he shut down and refused to ever read the very book he picked out. Because I took interest in it.

    One time he wrote a fictional short children’s story and I was excited to collaborate on the project. And so was he! At first. So I would help proof, edit and ultimately I would invest a good bit of time in creating the illustrations. Well, he showed complete resistance to doing absolutely any edits after I proofed it. And he shut down. Another disappointment because I was excited about that project. I’ve done writing in the past with tons of edits and proofs so his response was really odd to me.
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2018
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  18. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    It was basically a scoff. Like how absurd. It definitely hurt.

    Knowing what I do now, this has a lot to do with my husband’s shame, cowardice and unhealthy qualms with his own sexuality. It’s weird and incongruent though because he will make sexual quips and act like he wants favors. Yet makes almost no imitative and case and point often doesn’t rise to the occasion.
     
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  19. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I’ve thought about this a bit. With all this research into betrayal trauma, there’s a lot of discussion about overcoming the shame stories we tell ourselves.

    I’m the face of neglect, some women try to be extra accommodating. Seems like I’ve gone the opposite route. On some level I’ve known he had an issue all along. It frustrates the hell out of me and I’ve been very lonely. So I don’t really know if my self talk aligns with “I don’t deserve love.” But maybe more along the lines of feeling trapped by marriage and not knowing if better exists. My parents didn’t model a very engaged relationship either. And my husband’s parents were worse— they never showed affection. They went on separate vacations most of the time.

    I keep reminding myself that there is silver lining in knowing his closet tryst secrets. (Side bar he through a big pity party about losing his office after expecting new babies so I gave him my big closet to use as an office and so that’s where his deviant behavior occurred.)

    Silver lining: if things aren’t good (after some amount of time trying) I can leave in good conscience because his lies and infidelity are substantial reasons for me to walk away. It’s just shitty because I am bonded to him in many ways and I don’t want custody complications and drama for my kids. But there’s a threshold. We will see if things improve.
     
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  20. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    These moments of perplexed concern are increasing. Of course since DD in September I’ve gone through different phases of disconnect each time the climate grows colder or tainted by deception. So that could mean I’m becoming more objectively observant or more fearfully paranoid. I’m not sure. When he lied to my face effortlessly that struck something in my very core. I’m a very honest person and I now feel somewhat naive for having trusted he was the same.
     
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