Improving one's ability to relate to women on a romantic level...

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by e8ight, Apr 5, 2017.

  1. e8ight

    e8ight Fapstronaut

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    So I'm 14 days into my reboot now. So far it hasn't been particularly problematic (I do say this with an awareness that complacency may be dangerous...) - in fact it has been very empowering, and really interesting to watch my urges come and go. What has been most interesting is when they come and go.

    For me this has tended to be when I am feeling insecure about my current inability to relate to women on a romantic level. This can come up at any time, but usually when out in public and I see pretty girls about. My usual reaction would be to go home and wank away the loneliness (which actually just beds it more firmly into my psyche), but this reboot has made me reflect on the fact that that reaction just isn't sufficient. And so I need a new reaction!

    Has anyone had similar experiences? Does anyone know of any good resources that may help? I'm not interested in becoming a pick-up artist, I would like to be able to find a way that I can express my needs, desires and wants to women without seeing as them as a challenge to conquer. I want emotional connection with a sexual element, not the other way round.

    I would be really interested to hear other's experiences on this one too, particularly those who have made progress on it - or have some idea what work they think they need to do (I've spent too long remaining static and feeling sorry for myself!)
     
  2. The_Übermensch

    The_Übermensch Fapstronaut

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    I have some tools that will help you here. Send me your email.
     
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  3. The |E|volutionary

    The |E|volutionary Fapstronaut

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    Make that two, please. THIS is an actually not-garbage topic and has the potential to create some interesting dialogue.
     
  4. e8ight

    e8ight Fapstronaut

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    Are there any you could share here publicly? They may be a good point of discussion on this!
     
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  5. fapnaut95

    fapnaut95 Fapstronaut

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    I would like to see it too
     
  6. fapnaut95

    fapnaut95 Fapstronaut

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    Well I'm not near experient in a romantic level talk, I'm 22 and never had a girlfriend . It's mostly duo because I never try it, but in the past 4 or 5 years it's mostly because i'm ashamed too (duo to 4 or 5 years of cycling PMO).
    Well , but sometimes (like a recent 110 days streak of no PMO) I did try to accomplish atleast to get a little more intimate with girls.
    What I did was to become more vulnerable (I didn't tried to look good or confident, or even flirty) when I was talking to a girl. I started innocently asking some questions about her life: where exactly was she from, what was like in there, how was her family , how often did she meet them, things personal but in a casual way (because they were my colleagues and we often see eachother). And by talking we get more confortable and as we speak more we can throw some jokes around to each other for example. I think both will feel more intimate and if you keep showing interest (and a genuine interest) eventually I think she'll know you care about her and finally it's only a step untill your relationship enters romantic contourns, and you speak more openly. Well that's how I plan to "conquer" their hearts. For that you really need to be interest in her, not just on her looks.
    And I might add that just works if you feel good about yourself , you act natural, and you show genuine interest and care. In my experience I just have that mindset or natural disposition when I'm away from PMO addiction. When i'm not, I'm ashamed about myself, and I'm protective about humiliationg due to social anxiety self-perpetrated, and I try to ignore conversations instead of creating one . When i've relapsed recently I know girls will notice I'm different , I've heard things like "you're strange" or " why are you ignoring me?" . It's duo mostly because I avoid eye contact and I respond with short sentences and I feel like in a chronic embarassed state. It's really shitty. That's one of the reasons I wanna stop PMO and be myself natural again. :)
     
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  7. Mankrik

    Mankrik Fapstronaut

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    Well said, after abstaining from PMO for a long time this is what I want as well. I do not have much experience, however I have found it difficult to cope with lonliness and am never myself around girls or really just people in general. For me personally at least, I need to have confidence in myself and stop putting others on pedestals. I want to emphasize just being yourself around girls and not worrying about judgement because most of us here are honest people with well meaning intentions and that should get you pretty far. Although this is easier said than done. I dont think theres a specific formula, you just need experience and a willingness to take risks while at the same time being comfortable with yourself.
     
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  9. e8ight

    e8ight Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing guys.

    Fapnaut - sounds like at 22 you've got a level of self-awareness and desire to work on yourself some people will never achieve (I certainly didn't at 22...). Keep it up.

    I agree that just being yourself, being relaxed is the key to all this. The problem for me is how does one achieve that? There have to be smaller steps to take when achieving a big goal. I've been reflecting on this a lot the last two weeks. What I've realised is that before I start to look at how I relate to women, I need to learn how to relate with human beings in general (something you also flagged up Mankrik). If after working at this for a while it is going OK, but there is still an issue with women I'm attracted to specifically then I'll review. If it isn't working at all I'll review. If things slot into place nicely - sweet! So far I've come up with:

    -Stop PMO (all good - we've all clocked this one, even if it is a difficult one to achieve)
    -Put myself in positions where there are lots of people
    -At any event or social gathering I go to, set myself the initial goal of striking up a conversation with one person of a similar age to myself (I can then measure: did I achieve my goal or not? In all likelihood I will)
    -Set an intent to be genuinely curious about the person I'm talking to's life
    -Have a few pre-prepared questions
    -Be prepared for awkwardness and embarassment (this doesn't make me a bad person)
    -Reflect afterwards about how I could improve on it

    I guess when I started this thread, small practical solutions is what I had in mind (as well as people sharing experiences; I don't think one can really come without the other). I'd be interested to hear if anyone has any ideas of this sort

    Sweet - nice one for the article on questions. Exactly the level of specificality I was looking for!
     
  10. SheMonk

    SheMonk Fapstronaut

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    If you want an emotional connection, you have to get to know the girl. Talk to her like you would a friend. Ask her questions about herself, her life, her interests. Find something you have in common and exchange thoughts and opinions on the matter. If you have a mutual hobby, go do it together.

    It really isn't that hard, once you get out of your "women are magical unicorns from another planet with elaborate guide books I need to thoroughly study before I am able to converse with them"-mindset. We're just people, like you. We all sit down when we take a shit, if you catch my drift.
     
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  11. e8ight

    e8ight Fapstronaut

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    OK so first of all...yes! Absolutely and thank you for cutting through my angsty ramblings with some down to earth, no nonsense talking. My social circle for the past two or three years has been almost (although not quite) entirely male and somewhere down the line I have forgotten this (I'm currently in the process of getting the f*ck out of my social situation and back into more mixed settings). Which is sad. My perception of women has come a long way in the past few years but there are still ways to go...

    That said friendship with women does come pretty easily to me, although interestingly it's not often sustained (I need to ask myself why). The issue usually comes when I'm attracted to a girl and my rational mind conveniently ducks out. Then all I can see is a magical unicorn. Perhaps I could picture the magical unicorn taking a shit (sat down) and it might neutralise the overall effect...
     

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