Hi Nofap I'm here at a very sad but cathartic period of my life. I'm 26...and recently moved two states with my girlfriend of 4 years, with our bright futures and wonderful life in an exciting new city in mind. I won't give the whole story...but things have sadly ended between us as the love just does not go both ways. The above is relevant as I am the one initiating the break up...and it's one of a few things I felt I needed to do to move on with my life, and hers, for the better. Another very important thing is my porn and online chat roleplay addiction I have had for more than a decade. I feel I can't live without that feeling I get from indulging in something so carnal, degrading and sometimes just downright disgusting. While I can't say my addiction is as bad as "every spare moment I can find a corner to browse and jack it", I have at my worst been doing it daily, sometimes twice and to content that is very hardcore and deviant with few limitations for what is acceptable. I should clarify for other fundamental reasons, not this entirely, I have broken up with my partner. But the fact remains that I had been doing this and thus seriously affecting our sexual bond as I felt the thoughts I had going through my head were rampant and ever present, needed to be satisfied in fear of them making me actualize these desires and devious behaviours in real life. I admitted to her once that I did this and it near shattered our relationship...it didn't and she was willing to go on, but even despite that I couldn't shake the addiction and continued on without telling her. Trust me....I know that I'm a disgusting and horrible person. This is one big reason I have to let her go. It's selfish, it's wrong and it's robbing her of true happiness. So here I am. Feeling very low, lost and very much in a dark place mentally. I don't want to waste time though, learning from this and becoming a better person, breaking the chains my mind has tempered over time. For three days since I broke up with her, I have not brought myself to ejaculation. I've viewed a small amount of porn...thought about some roleplay only to find I'm repulsed by myself, then just this morning fapped to very intense and near abusive imaginings...only to stop feeling it wasn't right. I realise now, this untamed and filth ridden habit of my has gotten so far out of control it haunts my mind persistently...I cannot go mere minutes without something triggering the want and desire to bring myself to orgasm over these thoughts or just porn in general. I considered myself a very strong person, but for some very fundamental reasons now...I don't think it's true at all any more. I would like to be a part of this community to BECOME that person I thought I was. And as much as any read this and would like to help me, I seek to hear and help those on the relevant leg of the journey that I am on. If you got this far thanks for reading ☺ I really didn't want to waffle on but putting my thoughts to the page felt like a good thing.