In a dark place right now...

Hi Nofap

I'm here at a very sad but cathartic period of my life.

I'm 26...and recently moved two states with my girlfriend of 4 years, with our bright futures and wonderful life in an exciting new city in mind.
I won't give the whole story...but things have sadly ended between us as the love just does not go both ways.

The above is relevant as I am the one initiating the break up...and it's one of a few things I felt I needed to do to move on with my life, and hers, for the better.

Another very important thing is my porn and online chat roleplay addiction I have had for more than a decade.
I feel I can't live without that feeling I get from indulging in something so carnal, degrading and sometimes just downright disgusting. While I can't say my addiction is as bad as "every spare moment I can find a corner to browse and jack it", I have at my worst been doing it daily, sometimes twice and to content that is very hardcore and deviant with few limitations for what is acceptable.

I should clarify for other fundamental reasons, not this entirely, I have broken up with my partner. But the fact remains that I had been doing this and thus seriously affecting our sexual bond as I felt the thoughts I had going through my head were rampant and ever present, needed to be satisfied in fear of them making me actualize these desires and devious behaviours in real life. I admitted to her once that I did this and it near shattered our relationship...it didn't and she was willing to go on, but even despite that I couldn't shake the addiction and continued on without telling her. Trust me....I know that I'm a disgusting and horrible person. This is one big reason I have to let her go. It's selfish, it's wrong and it's robbing her of true happiness.

So here I am. Feeling very low, lost and very much in a dark place mentally. I don't want to waste time though, learning from this and becoming a better person, breaking the chains my mind has tempered over time.

For three days since I broke up with her, I have not brought myself to ejaculation. I've viewed a small amount of porn...thought about some roleplay only to find I'm repulsed by myself, then just this morning fapped to very intense and near abusive imaginings...only to stop feeling it wasn't right.

I realise now, this untamed and filth ridden habit of my has gotten so far out of control it haunts my mind persistently...I cannot go mere minutes without something triggering the want and desire to bring myself to orgasm over these thoughts or just porn in general.

I considered myself a very strong person, but for some very fundamental reasons now...I don't think it's true at all any more.

I would like to be a part of this community to BECOME that person I thought I was. And as much as any read this and would like to help me, I seek to hear and help those on the relevant leg of the journey that I am on.

If you got this far thanks for reading ☺ I really didn't want to waffle on but putting my thoughts to the page felt like a good thing.

 

Thanks for your support lulz.

It is a long story...but the break up is not particularly isolated to this one issue. I realise after posting about it it was going to seem like this is actually the crux of the issue but I was more just saying that it did affect our relationship. Apart from the addiction to porn I find my partner is not someone I feel total commitment to, I've been here before with these thoughts and thought about breaking up...but if I'm being honest went years trying to see more positive than negative, I sort of...settled. I knew it wasn't really right but I thought being patient and putting in a lot of effort in EVERYTHING would help. I should say that she is a very needy partner and everything hinges on me, she basically has to be constantly by my side. This and other intellectual and motivational values are also a bit incompatible. She has issues, she's shy, she doesn't exhibit a confidence that I think I need in a partner I want to be with for life. At the end of the day I feel I will forever be trying to push her and help her work through her limitations if I were to stay with her...I would love, love, LOVE to say I could sacrifice pursuing what I would prefer in my life partner...but it's just not true. Perpetuating a lie.

Shit...this became a bit of a rant again lol.

Anyway the fact remains the same I did let this addiction also hurt her and continued despite what pain I had caused...what's done is done, but I can never do this again, to anyone or to myself. I am a slave to it and sickens me. I know I can be a good person, I have good intentions and love deeply and wholeheartedly...but this demon has its claws so deeply set in my mind

I'm glad to hear that you are overcoming...and at least if you are being dishonest about your weed smoking habits but then feeling stronger each time about not doing it, for her, then I don't think that's too much of and issue. Though I would still advise honesty at some point, to admit fault might bring slight disappointment but she will be glad you came clean...she will realise you're struggling obviously and I imagine she will try harder to help you.

Good luck to us!

 

Thankyou for the support