In a huge dilemma, please advice.

Discussion in 'Abstinence, Retention, and Sexual Transmutation' started by ELITE2BE, Feb 7, 2020.

  1. ELITE2BE

    ELITE2BE Fapstronaut

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    My fellow fapstronauts,

    I am 26 years old. I have been plagued by the malignancy of PMO for almost half of my life. I am very keen on improving myself and seek ascension. Today I am on my 140th day of no PMO, which, by far, is my longest streak (I had several streaks before, 120 days being the second longest). I am hanging strong and have zero urges whatsoever to watch porn or masterbate. Around the 100th day mark I met this heavenly bliss. So sweet, so loving, so caring, so polite and well-mannered. She is also very very pretty and the top in class. Ironically I didn’t notice her until a few months into study, as she tends to simply sit at the very end of class, pick her stuff up and leave once the lecturer signals the end of lecture. This semester I had the chance to actually work with her in a group and simply put, we clicked. It turned out most of the guys at my university have their eyes on her, but she turns each and every one of them down (she is religious just like I am). I have choosen to take the on the path of semen retention to up my game and reach new heights, however things between me and this girl developed fast, so fast that we engaged in sexuality within less than a month (no orgasm/ejaculation on my part though), which is a path neither I nor her took before (for religious reasons ). I am really into her and so is she to the point we can’t imagine living without each other. I just don’t understand how can I manage the path of retention to achieve my aspirations whilst being with the girl I really hope to live the rest of my life with. I am really stressed and going through many hardships currently, but whenever I am with this girl I become very happy and forget about life and all its calamities and just smile. I love her to pieces, I also deeply believe that I was created for a purpose and semen retention is a prerequisite to me fulfilling this purpose. I am really torn between losing her, and between throwing away this vision that I have (which I deeply connect to my very existence). I really really wish there is a way for me to do both.

    Sorry for the long post. This is easily the toughest decision I had to make in my 26 years. Please advice.

    Many thanks,
    ELITE2BE
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2020
  2. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I'm married. Like most married men here when I got serious about ridding myself of my porn addiction I started what I then thought of as a reboot. But as sex is an important part of intimacy in a relationship I (like many others) opted for 'normal mode', i.e. no porn and no masturbation, but sex with my wife was allowed. I am now on Day 1,224 without porn and 1,215 without masturbation. You could choose to swap from hard mode to normal mode.
     
  3. untunedguitar

    untunedguitar Fapstronaut

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    You are so lucky to have found such a wonderful partner, may you both live happily together. I'd switch to normal mode in a heartbeat, but it's your choice...
     
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  4. ELITE2BE

    ELITE2BE Fapstronaut

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    Before anything, thanks for taking the time to reply.
    I am committed to never watching porn and masterbating again. I have been debating on whether I should have the occasional O with her (normal mode) or to just be upfront with her regarding my celibacy (which I am 100% sure she will understand and encourage me to pursue), but it is easy very easy for me to get carried away with her. I heard that a single orgasm can cause a major setback in terms of retention benefits and this is a source of concern for me to say the least.
     
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  5. ELITE2BE

    ELITE2BE Fapstronaut

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    Many thanks my good brother for your kind wishes and insight. I really hope you will find your special one in the very near future. Just stay put and stay strong, the blessings are coming. To me, it is really a conflict between what the heart desires and what the brain perceives as “right”. But honestly I can never imagine continuing without her at this point.
     
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  6. Dim Meadow

    Dim Meadow Fapstronaut

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    Well you seem to really like her. If you're serious about her and she's serious about you have you thought about waiting till marriage?

    To clarify: I don't mean ask for her hand in marriage right now, but leaving intercourse until you're married and do normal mode from then on, and until then just enjoyed each other withtout intercourse?
     
  7. Di.Do.555

    Di.Do.555 Fapstronaut

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    Why not try the karezza method?
    Search Marnia Robinson's interviews on youtube.
    To me sex is optional, intimacy is non negotiable.
    You have found your soulmate , why not discuss the issue with her?
    If u want both options ,why not try bonding everyday and intercourse once a month or so? This sounds like an acceptable compromise to me.
     
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  8. ELITE2BE

    ELITE2BE Fapstronaut

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    That’s actually our plan from the get-go my brother. She refuses the idea of pre-marital sex and so do I. However, no sex really doesn’t equate to no ejaculation. It is very easy to slip up. Also, it is worth pointing out that as much as we were against the idea of exposing our sexual side prior to marriage, we did it. At this point actual intercourse doesn’t feel like that big of a leap anymore.
    I really need to play my cards right, not for the sake of her, but for the sake of us both.
    Thanks.
     
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  9. ELITE2BE

    ELITE2BE Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the resourceful input. To be honest, I feel like Karezza is just me beating around the bush when it comes to actual retention. What I don’t “spill” during intercourse, I am more than likely to emit nocturnally the same or the following night.
    I feel like your suggestion to just open up to her about it is the best plan of action. Have a joyful blessed day.
     
  10. Di.Do.555

    Di.Do.555 Fapstronaut

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    Karezza is not what you think mate.
    Most of the Bonding Excercises are non sexual.
    Read the book "Cupids poisoned arrow" to fully understand the concept.
    You get night "spills" only if you don't spill in 4 or more weeks.
    I am glad you found the one. It is in my daily prayers to find my twinflame this year.
     
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  11. ELITE2BE

    ELITE2BE Fapstronaut

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    I am more than surely going to check the book out, I have been advised to do so multiple times already. I will pray to the lord that you find the soulmate you have always dreamed of. Just have faith and stay strong, I reckon the future holds many blessings for those who are righteous.
     
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  12. It actually does work wonders. You’d be surprised. It just takes a disciplined mind.
     
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  13. lordofmental

    lordofmental Fapstronaut

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  14. lordofmental

    lordofmental Fapstronaut

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    Big ups my man, More great things coming your way! stay at it, truly inspiring.
     
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  15. ELITE2BE

    ELITE2BE Fapstronaut

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    Many thanks my good brother, I wish you all the best. Just out of curiosity, what would you do if you were in my position?
     
  16. @ELITE2BE Brother, Your first priority should be to obey God, always. First of all, to answer your question from a non spiritual perspective. Do you really wanna give up your dreams to become the best version of yourself for a woman, no matter how great she is? If you choose to do so, that’s okay, but that isn’t the most elite thing you can do. That’s what almost every other man does. The true hero puts aside anything and everything that stands in his way of becoming his best, and if a woman comes alongside him to help him become his best, then great! But if she is holding him back, he says sorry but “my mission is more important”.

    Now from a spiritual perspective, do you know that definition of fornication is sex before marriage. And God says “FLEE FORNICATION”. You already know He says that not to control you but because it’s for your best interest. If you have sex now, then you’ve already tasted the cake. You already have gotten the best of her. What else can she further offer you? Now your love for her turns into a love for yourself, for lust, for sex.

    And studies show the more premarital sex, the more chance of divorce and adultery later. What you choose to do now has very big implications for the future. A godly man will always lead a woman to God and not temptation.

    I know it’s difficult brother but i encourage you to honor God with your body. Our bodies are temples of the Lord. Remember it says the marriage bed should be in defiled

    If you wait with this woman, your marriage will surely be blessed and you won’t have any guilt hanging over your head later. You can be proud of yourself.

    Remember the choices we make in this life determine how we spend eternity.

    Everyone on this thread seems to be telling you to go for it but they have a worldly perspective. Jesus said “Do not be conformed to this world but instead be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may see the good pleasing and perfect will of God”

    I’m speaking for your best interest, and i only want to protect you from hurt and i want you to have the best relationship possible. One built on a solid foundation, one that will be a blessing

    Please hear my words and if you feel the Holy Spirit speaking to you, don’t ignore it
     
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  17. This is the truth.
     
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  18. Beloved98

    Beloved98 Fapstronaut

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    Woah!!!

    I'll be honest, I can relate in some ways.

    My husband and I met on Instagram. He messaged me after I added him when I read his testimony on another page that I found inspiring. A few weeks later he messaged me his number....

    I told him I don't give out my number to strangers or text random men. Sexual immorality was my sin. When I became born again, I repented and out of four years fell twice into sexual immorality. Each time the weight of the remorse was so heavy I felt like I was going to die. Chastisement was so heavy upon me that I avoided all men, eye contact often and stopped trying to deal with my appearance so men wouldn't find me attractive.

    We dated 6months online in video chat, phone calls, text, email, like extensive communication. All pure and not sexual. I should've seen the signs....but he made his intentions very clear from day one. He was looking for a wife and not interested in playing with my heart, and that he feared God.

    Everything he said were like cords in my biblical brain. I simply didn't weigh the fruit.

    So I'll come back to this back story,
    But after reading your story there are huge red flags here as a Christian.

    1. You are looking to find freedom from sex addiction. That blankets sexually acting out....and you are doing just that. Sexually acting out. When we are outside of God's will, things are so different. Sex was created and meant to be enjoyed under the context of marriage. Those life stressors of paying off debt, rent, mortgage, sickness, child bearing, stress of chasing around children, arguments...yes, sex is the glue to keep husband and wife "cleaving to one another".

    2. You are not cleaving to one another to keep the covenant bond going, you are exploiting one another sexually without any agreement for sinful and selfish desires.

    3. Marriage removes impulsivity. Many men struggling with pmo/sex addiction thrive on impulsivity. Because "lust" is never satiated. Do you know the biggest thing they tell drug addicts to stay away from? Relationships. Why? Because that newness, that infatuation, that rush of rollercoaster emotions can bring up the same dopamine and intoxication, but also undo impulse control while dulling the ability to reason beyond the high.

    4. The plumet from honeymoon stage to low will come howling after you. Let's say this happens after marriage...the temptation is going to be SO MUCH HARDER. One day your beloved is going to say or do something you are going to hate her for. She is going to deny or reject you. You are going to be alone, dissatisfied and possibly even raging mad. The devil is going to come in as a roaring lion at this point, and every justification and reason to fall back into temptation will not only be there, but it will be more appealing than you ever thought possible.

    I would plead with you....as a mother pleads for her own kids, please:
    1. Find a pastor to mentor/counsel you.
    2. Do a full disclosure. Expose all your sexual sin, how you struggled in the past, how you lied to keep it hidden, how it has affected you and your life(before a pastor preferably. Possibly a letter). Talk about what age you were first exposed to sexual sin. Every woman I've ever heard from that has been betrayed says the same thing. "If he would've told me instead of lying, I would've supported him so much more!" Before my husband, I dated a recovered heroin addict. He confessed beastiality one time as a child. Did I find it repulsive? YOU BET. But you know what I felt Honored? That he revealed to me a secret that I could destroy him with...we didn't work and ended up friends (both got saved later on around the same time). I never told a soul what he shared. My heart only wanted to protect him and his vulnerability. I later shared this with my husband...he was the first person I ever recounted that confession to 8yrs later. When men are honest, women honor that. It gives them something to protect...we are helpers. Remove that ability to respomd in wisdom and help, and you violate our God given purpose. A PROVERBS 31 woman is fiercely protective when there is no foundation of lying. Gas lighting is the most mentally abusive thing a man can do to a woman.
    3. Disclose your financial history and ask her to disclose hers. Want to remain pure before the wedding? Talk finances there's nothing more unsexual than debt. This will expose a lot about your addiction as well. Again, I wish I'd know my husbands debt and that he knew mine before.

    After all of those things I would move forward in caution. She needs to have full knowledge of what she is entering and who she is marrying(assuming your intent is courtship/marriage). I say "who" not in regards to slapping a scarlet letter on your chest, but that she would truly know your struggles. The little boy that stumbled into this mess is still there crying out to be heard and seen.

    I feel like I just married a completely different person, though we've been married three years. Our anniversary was Nov 15th, I was 9months pregnant and we fought that day and he left for work an hour early. We didn't celebrate.

    If someone told me this was going to happen I would've died laughing. Ya right! Our love was like notebook passion...Not! he thought marriage would remove his struggles. It didn't, it magnified them! Paul warned the unmarried about the troubles from marriage and refraining for good reason if possible.

    Referencing my earlier depiction of mine and my husband's online dating, looking back it's so clear now out he was acting out with me.
    He was completely lost in fantasy. His pmo addicted brain trained him to believe
    A. Strange(unknown) women are where satisfaction/fulfillment is found. Seek them.
    B. Familiarity comes through a screen.
    C. The fact I was a single mother attracted him since his mother abandoned him. (Later I would find his pmo addiction burned out of hatred for his mother. Which became hatred for me.)

    Consider your coping mechanisms and honestly, in addition to pastoral counseling I would recommend you go to Christian counseling to address your past and what it is for you personally that has caused you to use pmo as a coping mechanism.

    I wish you the best and would give anything to plead with you unmarried men struggling with pmo to protect our sisters in Christ. I wish someone said these things to my husband...his family knew and gave me ZERO warning.
     
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  19. Beloved98

    Beloved98 Fapstronaut

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    I agree. Guilt and shame destroy the ability to truly connect! Which is why pmo makes men want to hide from wives, the church, other healthy meaningful relationships and more importantly Christ. Those MUST be established and thriving before even considering pursuing a wife.
     

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