In danger...

Hey guys I'm posting this now because I am in danger of relapsing. The 'pull' is really strong right now - and while my 46 days of no PMO have been a been a roller coaster ride I find myself right now, in this moment, feeling weak.

I post in order to: 1) do something productive in this weak moment; 2) ask for prayers / positive vibes from you brothers; 3) share my process with the hopes it might help someone else out there.

I've struggled with addiction to O for a long time - I somehow found it at a young age (5 or 6) and its been my release, reset, pleasure - in one way or another - for decades on decades. M was the fastest / easiest way to get there. P added spice and excitement to M so that I could get to O quicker.

Sex also leads to O - but because my relationship with O is so warped (the result of starting at such a young age) I am questing whether I've ever had meaningful, awesome sex in my life.

The pull to O - which I am feeling right now - has been going on so long that its lead me in weird places, doing weird things, seeking novelty and 'newness' that would give me a sense of excitement.

So while many people on NoFap are really dealing with P issues - I've identified my main issues are based on a wonky, early-seeded addiction to O.

When I found these forums I immediately felt 'at home' and could feel the brotherhood of so many warriors out there taking this beast on. I am merely taking on my own version - and what is required for me is abstinence from PMO for a lengthy period of time (100 days is my goal).

What's been driving me forward are the benefits. I've spent almost all my time on here in the 'success story' section because I wan to feel connected with what's possible as I accomplish this mission.

For me - I KNOW that a lot of my talents and energy have been subverted into the quest for O. It has also robbed me of truly wondrous / connected sexual relationships and also caused confusion, doubt and fears to persist.

My intuition is telling me that cutting this addiction to O - and learning self control and discipline - is re-wiring my brain so that I can experience deep clarity and magnetic confidence that will directly impact the work I am meant to be doing in the world.

This motivates me. I've experienced definitive changes in the energy flow in my body during my streak. I have also become extremely disciplined in my morning practices, diet. and my self-awareness is skyrocketing. I take ice cold showers and feel like an absolute warrior doing it. No fear.

I haven't necessarily felt 'happier' because I also find myself very stressed around money and work. Part of my big intention here is transmuting S energy into output of clear and powerful work - I'm an entrepreneur and find myself in major re-building mode.

SO, this pull for O right now - while strong - can't hold sway over me. Its not an option because I've been down that road before. I know how I'll feel after - dirty, exhausted, depressed - and it'll feel like the entire month and a half is down the tubes.

I can't, and won't, do this to myself right now. I made a commitment to myself and to other people. I love them, and I love myself. I celebrate that I've made it much further than I ever have before - but I also know this is just the beginning.

I've come to realize the PM no longer have a place in my life - ever. While I'll O again it will be in my relationship - and I look forward to the day when I can reconnect with her almost like it's the first time

Keep on going brothers.....and I hope this helps!