In desperate need of some life advice.

Hello everyone!

Before you read any further, I have a couple of warnings. This is gonna be a LONG post. sorry! I have alot to explain, and alot on my mind, and very much so could use some advice on my current situation. I decided to put this in the off topic discussions because it is going to talk about my relationship, my nofap life, my living situations, my career, and everything in between. If you feel like reading a while, I would truly appreciate your input. Final warning, I will be talking about my sex life, and if you have any known triggers, you should not read this, or should skip the paragraph where I talk about this (I put a warning).

In this post, I specifically would like to address my current situation and how I can make it better. Easy, right? Not so. Some backstory... I am a 19 year old Realtor from Colorado. At the time of getting my license, I was the youngest realtor in the state, but not anymore. I chose real estate as a career for so many reasons. Lifestyle, income potential, relationships, etc. I will get into my career later, because it is super complicated. But here is where things get tough.

I currently am in a relationship with this girl. Lets call her Jan. Jan and I started dating my junior year of high school, and we will have been together for 2 years in november. We knew eachother for a few years prior, but never truly got to being good friends. We re-met through a mutual friend, and there was chemistry, and next thing you know we're in my parents basement making out and she's my girlfriend.

In reflection, things moved fast between us. She said "I love you" 2 weeks into us dating. Our first few dates were essentially just making out, but at the time, things just felt right. With all this moving fast, we introduced ourselves to the other's family pretty quickly, and we settled into a routine where we alternate going to eachothers house to work (we both have worked at home with our families since Covid started, both at school and my work as a realtor). Since then, she has been adopted into my family and my siblings and parents consider her family/a good friend. She goes on girls dates with my sisters and mom, and I spend time with her parents.

** Trigger warning next 2 paragraphs

There have been some red flags since the start that I think I knowingly ignored. I think this is due to me just being excited to have a girlfriend, but also, Jan is very beautiful and I was very interested in her sexually. A month or so into dating she disclosed her history with her ex boyfriend. They were incredibly sexual, but he abused it and would often force her into doing things she wasn't comfortable with/ did not feel like. She gave in and lost her virginity to him, among many other things. She disclosed this all to me one evening, and I was incredibly supportive and understanding. I wanted her to feel safe and respected by me. I wanted her to realize I would never do what he did. In this conversation, I distinctly remember her saying something along the lines of "I would love to have sex with you, soon". I kid you not. We both disclosed that we were sexually interested in eachother, and were willing to partake in that with eachother in this relationship.

Then things changed.

After telling me all of this, she completely refused to say she lost her virginity to her ex. She said "it didn't count" because "we didnt finish", and that she was still a virgin. She also decided that we were not going to have sex in our relationship, but this was not disclosed to me until later, ALOT later. I wont lie to you. I am a horny guy. I have had a PMO problem for years. But, I absolutely respect people and their wishes. For the first month of two of our relationship, we did pretty much all the sexual things you can do with clothes on. Lots of grinding and groping. She would finish but I never did once. But after this conversation about her ex, our relationship then became a cycle of me making advances on her, her leading me on, and then her telling me she wasn't in the mood to do anything. It became a cycle where I couldn't understand why she wasn't interested. Was I ugly? Did I do something? I was very vocal about my concerns, but it always became "I just dont feel like it". Much later, she told me that she wanted to "lose her virginity after we got married", and completely refused to acknowledge what she said months ago. After this, our sex life has essentially been that we exchange oral sex every 3 months or so, which I always have to initiate. I was worried she felt an obligation to do sexual favors for me, and we have had several talks about it, and I made it incredibly clear she doesnt have to. She has told me she finds it incredibly enjoyable. In the time inbetween, I usually will make advances but the same "I dont feel like it" dialogue happens and of course I stop and respect her wishes.

Now I feel like partially, its my fault we've gotten to this point. I want to have sex in my relationship. I feel like part of my pmo problem is an incompleteness in my sex life. I honestly don't know if this is a dealbreaker for me, but it always comes back to it. This next part, I am going to sound like a piece of shit. I feel like deep down, I resent her for not having sex with me. I feel like if I knew she wasn't interested a month in, we may not have made it past a month dating. But, with how things played out, we had already been dating for almost a year before she disclosed that to me (basically blue balling me the whole time), and thus we had already became super involved in eachothers lives and I couldn't just walk up and leave.

Now here we are. Almost 2 years into this relationship. In her eyes, we're going to get married and live together for the rest of our lives. Both of our parents have even said they expect us to get married. I dont know if that's going to happen. I can't tell if I want to be with her or not. And it's not just about the lack of sex. I don't feel like I used to about her. I still care about her a ton. I am incredibly concerned with her wellbeing, if she's safe, if she's happy... but is that just obligation? I dont know if im happy or not when I'm with her. I see her every day, however, and she is a constant in my life.

Jan is not stupid, but I dont know if we match eachothers emotional intelligence. She is incredibly textbook smart. She is an engineering major, and works 8-10 hours a day from home on her laptop. But I feel like something is lacking. All we do is work together. Every date we have every once in a while, she is usually just studying on her phone. In the instances where I ask to take her out, and ask if she would be willing to put the phone down for the date, she gets all moody, saying shes stressed and needs to study. This generally ruins the date and she will be upset with me for the rest of the day.

She feels immature. She throws fits, and can be incredibly manipulative. Multiple times when I dont give her what she wants, she's said stuff like "no more kisses until I get ___" or "I guess you dont love me. If you loved me you would give me ____". She will dwell on things for days or weeks, and talk about them constantly. For example, there was some drama between 2 of her coworkers. She talked about it nonstop for a week, essentially saying the same thing rephrased the whole time. I just about lost my mind, hearing the same story multiple times a day for a week. I try to explain things to her about myself and my emotions, and they completely go over her head. She is very surface level, and has a hard time diving deep in conversation.

I don't know if we are destined to be together. But, our lives are so incredibly intertwined, it feels impossible to undo it all. I dont think her or anyone we know has and knowledge of me being unhappy. They all think we're going to get married and settle down together. I dont even know if I want to break up with her, but if I do, I feel like its impossible. I feel trapped.

But I ask myself, is she the reason I am unhappy? Or is there something else

****Segway into another part of my life, not my relationship........


As I mentioned earlier, I am a licensed Realtor. Being a realtor, I am location based. My family moved from Los Angeles to Colorado 6 years ago. For several reasons, my parents relocated us all. I was only 13 so I had no say. My entire extended family is in colorado, politically my town now aligns with my parents beliefs, and also, my mom was a raging alcoholic when we lived in California. Los Angeles represents the poorest, worst years of her life, and she needed a move for her mental health.

I dont think I like colorado. I HATE the cold. I dont like the log and cabin homes, the repetitive suburbs, the long fields of nothing, etc. I belong at a beach by a city. I crave the hustle and bustle, I crave surfing again, and I ultimately feel Imposter syndrome here. I envision an empire, but It feels impossible here.

In my mind, I was always going to move out of Colorado. There is no way I will be here till the day I die. But, getting into real estate, I planned to work here and make a good amount of money first, then relocate, most likely to Florida, when I have the skills needed to build a business out there. Realistically, this seems unlikely if not impossible. Turns out, its hard to sell yourself as a realtor when youre 19 and covered in acne. I havent sold a house since I got licensed 4 months ago. I feel like where I start is where I need to stay.

So now the question is posed... when do I move? Now, or in 10 years? Because it feels like there's no inbetween. But I dont have the capital to move, nor the skills to sustain myself. Also, theres the whole relationship thing. I can't just up and leave.


So... what do I do. I know, its a loaded question. But I am incredibly depressed. I am growing to hate this city. I need a change SOMEWHERE, but Im not sure where.

 

Thanks man, I appreciate it.

I realized that after writing the post. I have no idea how, I have no idea when. Im going to have an honest conversation with my parents and ask them for some advice and help.

As far as my career, Im giving myself a year to save. My goal os 8 transactions, or 50K net (after taxes). I should hit those numbers, but if I dont in a year, Ill keep going till I do. After that, Im saying fuck it, and moving out. Luckily now, I have no expenses, and am super grateful that I can realistically move my business to florida in a years time or so.

Thank you for you input, truly. I wish you all the best in getting out of Canada. If I can lend any advice, let me know!

 

RUN and dont look back from her, plently of stable women out there .I lost count of all the red flags in your post. I advise you to look back at this relationship as a tool for growth write down privatly all the stuff she said and did and in the next relationship you will now know whats normal and when to cut loose and run call it your relationship playbook , all the best

 

thanks man…
Totally agree with you. Took me some time to see it, but after writing it all down I very much so see it.
I do plan to break up with her. I also have a career plan that involves me moving in around a year, so I am extremely excited for that. Thank you so much for the advice, take care!

 

Your Welcome, you will find someone better have fun